To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

I don’t want to live with or subsidise his adult children. If that makes me an ogre, so be it.

It absolutely doesn't make you an ogre, you need to be happy that is more important than your partners wants, but it looks like you might need to.put the brakes on until his children are a bit more secure.

I think you need to have a clear conversation. You don’t want to live together while his children are mostly at home.

What that means is up to you. I know several couples in long term relationships who never moved in together so as to keep finances and family responsibility clear cut. They are happy together regardless. If living together is a deal breaker for either of you maybe the relationship has run its course.

either way, I wouldn’t move in together if you have any doubts. Life’s to short to get entangled knowing full well you’ll have to undo it all at some point.

I detailed it in a previous post: dropping out of college, mental health, drugs, school avoidance. DSS failed most of his GCSEs and DSDs did poorly in their mocks. All of them flit between homes and will go to the other for a week or two if they’re told off by a parent, and their parents don’t communicate awfully well.

It’s been easier for me to maintain discipline standards as my children’s other parent lives abroad.

Oh gosh, I wouldn't do this in your shoes. Sounds like you're jumping the gun a little bit anticipating the twins suddenly just 'leaving home' at 18. Even university involves them returning in holidays a lot and if you have 5 DC between you surely at any one time there would be minimum one or two them hanging about...

If you've got used to your peace and space (and it sounds like you have) I wonder if living together would muck it up, why not just date?

Yes scrap the plan if you don’t want to live with his kids.

You’re being incredibly naive to think they can all just move out at 18, and that your own kids won’t need to come back home during the long uni holidays and quite possibly permanently after they graduate. It’s the norm now because young people can’t afford to move out.

It is. In my DBs case the money isnt the issue its the disagreements it brings to the couple. DBs mental health is now shot because of this.

We all think they are headed for divorce - or he will have a nervous breakdown - or both.

Its very very sad.

FGS dont put yourself willingly in a situation that could end up like this. You absolutely should not be funding/support adult children that arent your own! My point in bringing this up its its hard enough when they are yours.

Stay as you are I say. But its still going to affect your future retirement plans which is something for you to consider. Ive had to. My DP earns considerably less than me, and my retirement Im basically going to be funding his as well as mine. Sticks in my craw a bit sometimes, and its something Ive had to get my head around, but he works super hard and brings a lot to the table - he cant help that he earns a lot less than me. It is what it is and I decided, ultimately, Id rather be with him. But if I was funding our retirement because he was funding his adult kids Id feel v. differently.

They could still be millionaires one day!

But it’s a long-shot, so I still wouldn’t risk it.

God no, don't do it! Recipe for disaster (and unhappiness and financial messiness)

I get it, and my own dd is the same, but her student accommodation isn't continuous. Halls accomodation ended at the end of June and private student accommodation ran from mid August to end of June. Some groups had second and third year in the same accommodation, but if there is a fall out or year in industry break, then they are potentially all out at the end of June again.
A couple of her boyfriend's mates ended up sofa surfing for the few weeks due to different circumstances, but I wouldn't want that for my DC.

It is too much, maybe your boyfriend is sending you houses as a distraction, something to look forward to ?

I’d still like to do what I’d planned for retirement (retire early, downsize, travel) and it may not be possible for him if he’s funding three adult children indefinitely. I don’t know that I want to bridge the financial gap created by his children not being successful.

It’s hard to say how things will pan out at the moment. Of course we’d have maintained spare rooms for if any of the children needed them short-term, but that’s not the same as three of them never moving out. I have a colleague whose ‘children’ are still at home in their late 20s and it’s a big strain on her marriage. I don’t think I’m selfless enough to live that lifestyle for someone else’s children.

Yes, I think he’s in denial about it. He’s aware they all have issues but still thinks the girls, at least, will pull it together. We need to have a proper chat about it. I don’t want it to seem that I have no confidence in his children, or that I don’t like them. But I really don’t see myself living with them long-term as adults, or subsidising him to subsidise them.

I think you’re fair, sounds like there’s at least 3 years to go yet anyway so just make it clear what your boundaries are.

OMG he has 3 kids. So if you bought a 4 bed house together, his kids would naturally take up the 3 bedrooms because they would be there full time. So your kids would end up staying on the sofa.

And all of it subsidised by you.

This is what’s crossing my mind, and I don’t want it… I also don’t want to buy a six bedroom house, because then there’s less money for retirement (and I honestly don’t want to live with his kids as adults).

The more I write down, the less appealing it all is…

Fuck that, stay in your own homes.

I wouldn't move in with him Let him put up with his kids and you live separately Its not obligatory to live together and saves a load of hassle not doing so

Not a chance. I am single and currently my 25yr old DD1 has moved home after uni/travelling, working but life is hard for young adults these days. 19yr old DD2 is ay uni but home for large chunks, they have long holidays/reading weeks etc. Love them dearly but its wearing having 2 young adults in the house. No chance in hell I'd be adding another 3! How will you all fit in a 4 bed house with potentially at least 3 possibly 4 or 5 additional adults. Best stay seperate.

Just carry on dating from separate houses. You dont need to live together.

So if you remain living apart, you still wont be able to enact your retirement plan with him though right? Because he will still have to have a separate home and support his three adult children. How will you feel about that? If its a dealbreaker might be worth getting out now, sad as it is.

100%

Assuming that you do not live hours from each other and seeing each other is not a problem,stay as you are.

I think I could manage living with my own two (the age gap is big enough that they don’t squabble, and their personalities are similar to my own) but I would definitely not be able to live with his three. We’ve been on holiday together and I needed another holiday afterwards!

You don't have to live with him you can still do nice things and holiday etc etc without living with him, if you want to downsize you can do it on your own,can't you ?

His kids might take time to find their way but you don't have to wait on him.

Exactly. I can just about manage my 2 preferably one at a time (they do not get on). Someone else's extra 3. No way!