To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

If he is aware of your fortunate financial situation be very careful that he isn’t anticipating you taking responsibility for it all
what size are the houses that he is sending you links to?

My late husband's ex had an arrangement with her partner whereby they stayed half the week in each other's house.

Then, during lockdown, each of the partner's daughters separated from their SO and moved into the partner's place. They never moved out and I gather that the ex did not have a happy time of it.

I wouldn't risk it, @OP .

By the sounds of things moving in together is not going to work out, I would be very very slow to buy together. I can see this ending in tears.

On the face of it, our lifestyles and current situations are similar. However my son is now independent and doing well financially, and my daughter is going down the same path. Increasingly it seems like his children won’t.

I think it’s worth considering the future with his children in the same house as you even as they become late 20’s and 30’s.
Would that mean every Christmas and special occasion you would all be together including future partners and children. Would you/ your kids like that? Do you do things the same way?

If your children have long since moved out how happy would you be having someone else’s 25 year old in the house potentially for several more years especially if they don’t do anything round the house and don’t seem to be saving up.

If you lived with him would you be willing to provide future childcare to grandchildren if for example them came round every week for “grandad” to look after?

If your children had a head start financially with the house deposit from you and he then helps his children out but you have to pay for all your joint holidays going forward would you be happy with that?

Are there things one family does but the other doesn’t that would annoy you.
An example- family 1 don’t care about swearing. They don’t swear at each other but they swear in general conversation. Their parents don’t mind this.
Family 2 - don’t swear but constantly interrupt and speak over each other.

Family 1 find it overwhelming that family 2 are loud and interrupt family 2 think family 1 are rude as they swear.

This is one example of how different families do things differently.

I have a boyfriend with teen/ adult children. I could never, ever live with him because of their behaviour.
Hats off to people who can blend into other people’s families and I have some friends with amazing step parents but I couldn’t do it. If it’s not for you it’s not for you. Just live separately.

Where does he think his kids are going to go. If they're going into low paid jobs , as most young people do, they'll be with you until 30 potentially

Nope, you need to hold off on.

One of my friends and her now-DH moved in together after 12 years.
They have five children between them and deliberately waited until they were either fully moved out or settled at uni. His two eldest were in their mid-20's by then.

So, I'd hang on longer and let the children find their paths. OK, they may need to move back in at some point but at least let them all get into the job market, settled in higher education. 16 and 17 is too young, I'd wait minimum another three years, perhaps another five.

It sounds from this as if you are the higher earner in your relationship. It might not be a popular thing to say on here, but for that reason alone I would not move in together. You could end up supporting him (you may or may not feel ok about that) as well as his kids - to your own detriment and that of your own children. Living together isn't the be all and end all. You've no doubt worked hard for your money - hold onto it.

His son is at college but redoing the first year, and considering dropping out. His daughters both did badly in their GCSE mocks, one is into drugs and partying and the other has poor mental health.

All of our children went to the same school so we (naively it seems) assumed their prospects would be similar.

Hold off moving in for a couple of years. Too soon to know how soon his kids will move out, will depend what they end up doing. Let him sort that bit out, you enjoy your space and quality time with DP. His kids are getting old enough he can soon spend most of the evenings with you even if they are still living at home. Don’t rush anything would be my advice, it sounds like you’re at a stage in life it wouldn’t be a massive inconvenience to wait a couple of years to avoid any hassle and then release some equity. The bit before “living together” is often one of the best bits too, you get all the dates, company, overnight stays etc without being fully responsible for the mundane bits of running a home together.

If you need to you can always downsize & then sell up when he’s ready.

I don't think you can rely on kids to move out and not return until mid twenties these days. It is hard enough for an adult with an established career to find a rental. I'd end it in your shoes, right now you want different things and it will be a very long time until either of you can confidently say your DC have left for good.

These are all reasons you shouldn't be moving in together and he should be helping his children out instead of itching to move out.

His children are messy and noisy and he wants you to share this!
No thank you!
Keep your own home.

Leave things as they are. You dont sound compatible as families.

This!!!

Where is his ex/DSC's mother? Do they spend any time with her?

There should be some sort of compulsory checklist that people have to complete before blending families. To consider finances, debt, accommodation, children's current needs, future needs, retirement plans (I'm only loosely joking). OP is absolutely right to put the brakes on at this stage and go through all the potential outcomes.

You'd be wise to rethink this whole plan @EwaZB . If his DD have MH and or drug problems I can see them relying on their DF for a long time and it's much easier to stay where you are then trying to split up later when you're joint owners of a house.

On paper it’s 50/50, but it fluctuates a lot and they come and go as they please now they’re a bit older. His ex is remarried with younger children.

Where is their current full time home at the moment. Do they also have a home with their mother ? It would be nice to think that you could have a nice flat to just leave and go travelling . But the reality is that young people will have a difficult time at only 18 . You would have to get good advice about the ramifications of buying together regarding finances and inheritance. I can see the attraction of living together without adult DCs but could see any of them struggle for housing ?

Even more reason to delay moving in together. His children need their parents' support to find their paths in life, not the upheaval of a move and getting used to living in a blended family.

It sounds like moving in together would be a mistake. It's increasingly rare for dc to move out forever at 18, and totally understandable that both of you will want to support your dc in young adulthood.

Where did you/he think his three noisy and messy teenagers are going to suddenly go and live when they hit 18?!

I think it's perfectly sensible to change your mind and hold off on moving in together. I also think you're being a bit quick to count your chickens in assuming your daughter has nearly left home already.d

If your children will always have a home with you then I think you'd need to be looking for 5 bed places anyway. But it sounds like you would be happier maintaining the status quo.

This
OP is being unreasonable to expect sc to have moved out indepentedly and not fair on them either.