To not want to be responsible for SC as adults?

[EwaZB]

Boyfriend and I have been together for four years. I have DD18 and DS24. He has DSDs16 (twins) and DSS17. The plan has always been to move in together when DSDs are 18, and he’s started sending links to houses.

The thing is… Increasingly it looks like none of his children will fly the nest in a traditional sense any time soon. My son is living independently and my daughter moves out for university next summer.

I would love to live with my boyfriend, but not in a houseshare with three of his adult children. AIBU to scrap the plan?

I wouldn't move in with a guy unless their dc were fully independent - ie steady income and own homes.
Your dd will still need a room in your home until she graduates; she'll just have temporary student accommodation for about 40 or so weeks a year. His dc will still need a room in their dad's home at least through their teens.
His family sounds chaotic and I think you are at different life stages.

I wouldn’t expect 18 yr olds to be anywhere near moving out tbh. Going away to uni isn’t the same as moving out permanently. The uni terms ate short. DS1 moved back home after his first degree to do a post grad & moved out again at 23 to live with his girlfriend. My other DC are 21 & neither have plans to move out yet.

Don’t move in with him if the DC are going to be an issue! It won’t end well.

Completely fine. If he wants to give adult DC a home for perhaps several more years and you don't, you aren't compatible.

This 100pc

People keep saying this, but it wasn’t the case for my son, or my friends’ young adults. They all lived in halls for the first year, student house shares after that, then regular house shares when they graduated. He now lives with his girlfriend.

We live in a town over an hour from the nearest city, so not many people move back unless it’s during short-term job-hunting periods. My own daughter can’t wait to leave!

If he were to move in with you, where will his children live? Is he expecting them to move out and live independently at 18? That's just not feasible these days, why does he think it is?

I don’t think he does, he seems to be thinking they’ll still be moving out to uni. This was realistic a few years ago but doesn’t seem it now…

Well his kids are different to yours and they should be his priority. So it's simple - don't move in together.

@EwaZB Yes, my DD(21) is similar to your son, she's in a house share and rarely comes home, she stayed there during the summer as she had opportunities in her uni city. She enjoys her independence and has no intention of coming home when she graduates unless it's absolutely unavoidable. It doesn't mean that we're not close, she just loves living her own life.

Anyway, hold off on moving in together. His children need to find their ways first. You can continue your relationship perfectly well without moving in.

My DB and SIL are absolutely minted. 18 and 20 year old and one has recent severe phsycial issues rendering them unable to work, and the other has severe mental health issues and they are now on PIP and unable to work. Theyve been together since young and now in 50s and this is absolutely breaking them as a married couple. And they have lots of joint finances/resources at their disposal.

Dont do this OP. If there are drugs and mental health issues and impacting ability to study/work you need to back away. Harsh but it just isnt your circus.

We usually spend time at mine, as it’s calmer and tidier and I prefer it. His children are lovely, but they are quite loud and more intense. It’s fun for short periods but not when I’m exhausted after work and need an early night!

I’m sure I’m mishearing an accusatory tone there, but OP is no witch or ogress in not fancying setting up home with her chap if it’ll entail the prolonged presence of his grown DCs. Hardly the love nest she might have been yearning for!
I think it’s an entirely reasonable (even advisable) reluctance, given all we know from MN threads about women in such a position having a miserable time of things, with very high expectations placed on them in terms of parenting a partner’s grown offspring, surely no great attraction after raising her own to adulthood and seeing them thrive independently.

You seem to have the means to support your teenage children to leave home and live somewhere that isn't your house, not everybody can do that, not every teenager goes to university, mine didn't leave home till they were 23 and 24 . I don't know where you expect his kids to go?

You need to look outside your own experience before you commit to living with your your boyfriend because you are likely not to have the life you want,

Yes don’t do it. They could be living with you for 10-15 years. Even longer if they don’t meet anyone to move in with.

I was just thinking the other day how unfortunate the parents of NEETS are - who I’m assuming just hang around the family home day-in-day-out with no plans in place to ever be able to move out one day. And the same for parents of all those who leave college at 18 and go straight into work, they will be still at home for years to come. There’s no break for either parents or young adults. At least with kids going to Uni, it very much feels like they are moving out (and growing up) even if they are back and forth. Those 3-5 years at Uni gives them room to grow and the parents a well deserved break after 18 years of parenting.

@EwaZB You couldn’t pay me to move into a house with someone else’s kids/adult kids, especially those that will 100% be living at home for the foreseeable with no end in sight. Don’t do it.

Thank you! We have had many discussions about moving in together but neither of us wanted to “blend families” or force a stepparent onto our children. The children are friendly with each other but don’t consider each other to be family. We have (had?) similar goals and expectations for the future and were working towards them, and the children were all aware. We knew things would be tight for the years we’d collectively have four in uni, but thought that by the time the twins were 23ish, they’d all be fairly independent.

Effectively, the plans have come to fruition for me and my children, but not for him and his, which means our future plans are no longer clear.

I don’t want to live with or subsidise his adult children. If that makes me an ogre, so be it.

I absolutely would not move in with him. No way.

Their father still thinks that they will be moving out for University and you don't. How are you coming to that conclusion and why do you think that they will be in low pay jobs? I know a few millionaires who never went to university allow with other people who are earning big money without having gone there either

@seanconneryseyebrow One of my friends and her DH have DD's (25 and 22) who've had some MH struggles, the eldest dropped out of three universities and accumulated debt that her parents had to pay off. Her younger sister is doing better, but taking classes that don't have many career prospects.

It's killing them, at one point my friend was working two jobs to repay the debt.
The awful part is that neither adult DD seems to acknowledge how this is affecting their parents.

In this particular case, I suspect (possibly incorrectly) that they could do more with their lives if they had to, but they're used to their parents providing everything. It's v. sad.

It was always completely unrealistic to think the DSCs would move out at 18. But that's fine- just stay as you are.