Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

Poor kid, I can't imagine being able to cope with being abandoned by his Dad at this age.

Did you see that episode of Friends?

Have you spoken to the grandfather to find out what happened? One smack won’t hurt your DS, but it sounds like you need to get the bottom of why he acts up so badly with his grandparents and support them with your DS’ behaviour.

He’s 8 so hopefully there is wrap around school care that won’t affect your work? But otherwise yes you may have to change jobs/hours because the current set up isn’t working.

Glad grandad smacked him, he needed it.

I agree with the previous poster that these threads are not useful to OPs, they end up with people competing over how much they love assaulting kids. Really disturbing.

Wow, literally in the comment right above mine.

How do you give a child his P45 ?. Send him into foster care, as somebody has suggested up thread ?.

I don't know where you live but in Wales this would be illegal and has been for 4 years.

I assume that you don't spend time with the in-laws and your son so it's hard for them to see how you parent and vice versa.

Children can behave differently in different environments and with different adults. For various reasons. Sometimes this is between school and home. My parents think that their local grandkids are better behaved than the grandkids who live further away but from what I see, it's more that the ones who live further away arrive really excited and energised and see their time at the grandparent house as a holiday time so they're wilder, whereas the more local grandkids are at the grandparent house for a few hours after school a couple of times a week, a meal on a weekend, doing chores, around the shops, etc and it's more of a normal extention of home so they are more chilled and used to how the grandparents home operates.

It's hard for children to switch and sometimes mask. My step child had two very different households growing up. One was more grown up with just her and a parent who wanted to be besties and the other needed more routine and responsibility because there were more children and pets and whatnot. It's hard to code switch.

But you also need an immediate conversation with the Dad's parents about smacking and hitting.

Whenever I mention being anti-smacking there's often a "well, that's why kids these days are disobedient" or some similar rubbish. Nah mate, mine are polite, respectful, bright, kind, happy, friendly, sensible, successful, lovely human beings, they work, they volunteer, they're nice members of society and that's all been possible without ever stooping to physical violence.

Except smacking is correlated with increased aggression and emotional difficulties in children.
Thankfully I live in a country where it is illegal. And the amount of youth crime is roughly the same.

1. If he's so badly behaved with them every time then why on earth have you kept sending him?

2. if an adult assaulted my child I would call the police. If he's that naughty then they should have called you to collect him.

3. If he's only naughty as his grandparents and there is the chance that his estranged father who can't be bothered to see him regularly, may or may not turn up, can you not see how those two things are probably linked?!

4. If your child acts up because they're staying the night at someone else's house, surely you pick them up? And if it happend a second and a third time you have the realisation that perhaps staying overnight doesn't work for them?

5. Why are you choosing a job that depends on someone else to have your child overnight every week?! That is a big commitment especially if your child is very badly behaved.

I just can't get my head around still taking him there if he's been badly behaved with them for years?!?
Could you pay for a babysitter instead? A lot of registered childminders offer babysitting evening/overnight.
If your child is acting up then they obviously don't want to be there, it's not rocket science?!

This is so sad. It's obviously tied in to seeing his dad if it's been going on for years and only when he is with that side of the family. It's common for a child to have a safe, regulated household and one where they try out boundaries for attention - it's called the "Exploration vs comfort" dynamic. Whacking him won't solve anything.

Weird thing to be glad about.

I always really hope that posts like this are not genuine.

OP, it’s clear he’s struggling at his grandparents’ house, quite possibly due to his father’s behaviour/rejection of him.
Children often aren’t able to articulate their feelings and he mightn’t actually know what the problem is and so be unable to tell you when you talk to him. But his behaviour is telling you there’s a problem. That’s how he’s communicating it.

I’m sorry this causes problems for your work, but it seems there have been issues for some time that have now been brought to a head.

Have stern word with grandparents without dc being there that he isnt to be smacked, thats not how you discipline him.
Id give them one chance.

Given the OP says it’s been going on at their home for years and his dad lives there I’d say it’s more likely it coincides with seeing his dad.

My grandson wouldn’t be spending the night at my house anymore until his mother taught him how to behave in other peoples homes.

When you read that an 8 year old called his mother crying after being hit by an adult, how did you conclude he wasn't hurt?

Has has grandad said to you about this? Is he sorry and promising not to do it again?

I think they meant one smack on the bottom isn’t going to do him lasting damage

Very sensible response!

The amount of people who would be ok with their child being hit by an adult is baffling.

In Scotland this is illegal thankfully.

nobody should be hitting anyone, especially a child.

Also might help agreeing house rules at grandparents.
So if he is rude or throws stuff etc - he spends 10 mins in his room then comes down and apologises.

I can't believe it went on for years. Aside from the grandparents feelings, surely this child is communicating that they absolutely do not want to stay there?!
She said it's been years and I'm wondering how old when it started.

If the child is well behaved the rest of the time (allegedly) then I would be extremely curious as to why he's completely different.
Certainly wouldn't keep sending him there!

Sounds like he was being a little shit and deserved it. A smack on the bum never killed anyone. It's not like they punched him, ffs. You can't expect grandparents to tolerate this awful behaviour. Kids never used to behave like this, we wouldn't have dared.

Why have you left it so long? They can't cope with him and I don't believe for one minute he's 'fine with you'. How much do you let him get away with?