Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

Perhaps linked to be a sense of abandoned by his father? Why on earth did he stop wanting to spend any time with his son?

Whole thing sounds a bit of a mess.

Does his father speak to him when they “bump into” one another at grandparent’s house?

Was the smack bottom something out of character for grandfather? Was he at the end of his tether? Or is it something you’re not surprised he did?

I’d imagine the dad situation is extremely upsetting, so if you can’t resolve that somehow the behaviour could continue to get worse. Don’t expect your 8yr old to give you a detailed psychological breakdown of the issue.

8 is young - if youd said 15 but hes just a youngster - but counselling would be good - hes angry at his fathers lack of interest probably but this is not how to show it
I don't blame DGF - he shouldn't have hit but I'm not surprised he did

Would the open to having it all on camera at their house so you can witness what is leading up to his bad behaviour so it could hopefully be resolved.

Now I know people will differ based on their view of spanking. While I lean more non-spanking I don’t see this as a big deal and think you should have already dealt with this behaviour.

Poor kid. He spends two nights a week in the house that his dad lives in, but his bad wants nothing to do with him? No wonder he is misbehaving.

it also doesn’t sound like his grandparents are the most emotionally intelligent.

how does this play out when his dad is home, does he ignore his son? As others have said is the poor kid desperately trying to get his dad’s attention. And instead of his dad stepping in his grandfather hits him?

this can’t continue. You can’t keep sending f a child to the place his deadbeat dad lives but refuses to have a relationship with him. I assume he is fighting with his parents about this and the house is a tense and unhappy place for your son.

What do you mean by "discipline" ?

Not at all but grandparents of working age complaining about a child when their son has refused to see him anymore? Pretty disgusting frontbw adults.

75% of children being feral is utter nonsense by the way.

The children, teens and young adults I see these days are no worse than we were as kids ,in the 80s and 90s. Society just seems less willing to deal with normal kid behaviour unless they can see a parent responding violently to every indiscretion

There are 2 people here who need a massive slap.

One is the dead beat dad, and the other is the grandad who is a bully.

You ok with people.doing it to you?

That said I would have stopped looking after a poorly behaved child years ago.

We are not in the dark ages anymore. Smacking little kids isn't appropriate.

I'm sorry but that is no excuse. My husband and I from the generation when hitting a child wasn't considered abuse. And after reading OPs posts I am sure we are older than the grandfather here
My husband has never hit our grandchildren despite them sometimes being extremely challenging. It is something he would never dream of doing . Smacking children is always wrong, smacking someone else's child is even worse and a responsible person would be able to restrain themselves no matter how they may feel.

Or maybe the deadbeat dad should have dealt with it? Seen as it’s in his home

I never get this argument. By this logic any punishment of children is unacceptable. I would not let another adult ground me therefore it’s wrong to do it to children.

I would not be ok with an adult confiscating my phone so it’s wrong to do it with children etc.

No there isn't.

considering the GP only started in the summer because their son is a waste of space maybe they should look at their own actions. Clearly didn't bring up their son right.

Really? You wouldn’t think maybe my domestic set up is causing the behavior?

you wouldn’t think your son was a failure as a parent?

in the grandparents shoes I would be deeply ashamed of my son. I would ask him to move out. I would also apologise for hitting the child

If he's hoping to see his dad that would explain why he wants to go but then misbehaves once there when he is disappointed.

a) It’s not his home (edit. I see it is his home. The OP implied it wasn’t.)
b) He’s a deadbeat. That’s been established so no point commenting on whether he should be dealing with this behaviour. There is no point giving completely impractical advice.

I wouldn't let the GP have my child anymore, no one smacks or hits my kids and then gets free access to them. GPs should be ashamed of themselves.

He lives there, it’s his home. It’s better advice than ‘smacking is ok’

What do YOU mean by "What do you mean by "discipline"?

Do you mean hitting

Yes. Sure. Ok.

”Just get the deadbeat to stop being a deadbeat”.

Easy enough.

Discipline should ALWAYS and ONLY be done by an adult who’s calm, rational and completely in control of their own feelings and temper.