Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

DGP anf DC are all clearly struggling. Speak to DC, and to DGP, but really the only option is to step away from this arrangement ASAP.

The grandparent is not the problem here. They’re doing you a massive favour caring for him and trying to discipline your unruly child before he goes completely off the rails.

You need to focus on your son’s problem behaviour instead of pandering to him otherwise you’ll regret this when he’s an older teen and doing drugs and god knows what else.

How have you addessed the poor behaviour at his grandparents’ house? You didn’t mention anything in the OP.

This. Clearly issues going on.

Is there any chance you can sit down as a family and discuss it?

Ask DS to explain the situation as he experienced it, then grandparents, listen to eachother, and set expectations around behaviour for all parties?

If you can't reach a conclusion which results in DC feeling heard and safe and agreement across all parties on expected behaviours (Inc punishments that aren't allowed like hitting), then yes, you'll need to find an alternative.

It's as simple as: do you permit smacking? If not, and grandparents won't stop, then they can't have him unsupervised. Thats it.

It’s not true that you have known for years he’s badly behaved and difficult to control for the GPs but continues to be sent there two nights a week?

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

Perhaps he expects to see his dad when he goes to GPs and is disappointed when he usually doesn't show up, and then starts to act out. You need to get a handle on the bad behaviour if your parents can't make him behave in their house. Can you impose consequences at home if he misbehaves there? Do they do timeouts and taking away toys etc, or do they let him get away with a lot until your dad snapped and smacked his bottom.

All childrens behaviour is communication. What is your ds communicating to you op?

Hitting and smacking across the bottom are a bit different. Hitting has the intention to hurt, smacking has the intention to discipline. Was he actually hurt or just shocked?
Hitting is never right, but smacking is not automatic grounds to burn your life, your career and your child's relationship with their grandparents to the ground.

What a horrible comment.

I think you'd be crazy to ever send him back.

Maybe we don't hit children

Don't send him, explain to them that you won't have anyone assault your child, pick him up and bring him home and unless he's very upset by it cease contact. You don't get a second chance if you hit a child. The fact they complain about him anyway woul have stopped me sending him, horrible people.

Sounds to me like GP have repeatedly told you of the bad behaviour. Either you dont class it as such or he doesnt act like that with you. Either way, if a child of mine acted in such a way at ANYONES house they would be disciplined. That doesnt neccessarily mean smacking but they would regret their actions in some form.

The GPs were wrong to smack your child. OK. So tell them you dont ever want them smacking your child. Now thats dealt with you can then come up with a solution to ensure his behaviour improves. 2 days per week is a lot of childcare and you say the child enjoys going and must have a fairly solid relationship with them. Thats a blessing in the current world.

From what you write i think you need to start looking into your own parenting. They can switch off the smacking immediately, you cant modify your childs behaviour so quickly and given legs might get worse as he ages.

Is it their expectations to blame? Is he being hobby or just chatting? Are they expecting him to sit quietly Infront of the TV all evening? If he's well behaved everywhere else they're the problem Id bet. Especially now we know they're happy to slap him

DS’ dad (their son) stopped seeing him at the start of the summer holidays. Prior to this, they didn’t regularly have him. They’d have him for their son on his days/nights when he had to work etc.

The arrangement of them having him 1-2 nights a week was pushed by them, I imagine because they feel bad that their son had abandoned his child. DS’ dad lives with them, so he sees him sometimes.

He isn’t bad there all the time. This behaviour happened when he was with his dad. What they describe is a different child.

I’ve spoken to DS many times, of course. He says he doesn’t know why he behaves that way, says he can’t control it.

It’s hard for me to discipline him for behaviour I do not witness. When with me, or my parents, or at school, his behaviour is exemplary. Genuinely rarely have an issue with him, and when I do it’s just typical 8 year old stuff.

I have talked about stopping the over nights before, neither DS nor grandparents want that. Grandparents insist on having him.

I am a midwife, so have to do long shifts and have no other option.

You can't continue to send him to a household you know he's being physically abused.

I wouldn't be bothered about a single smack on the bum in 8 years, especially if the child's behaviour is so awful.

However, it does sound like they are struggling to cope with him. I would want to ask him why he behaves as he does. 8 is plenty old enough for him to talk about it. If he still wants to go there and commits to addressing his behaviour, I would continue with the arrangement.

So they’ve raised their own son to be an absent father, why would you entrust them to help raise your son?

I was born in the 70s and I’ve gone on to have three children and have never smacked them. I would be absolutely raging at the grandparent involved and as I live in wales where smacking is now illegal I would also be getting the police involved. Shameful behaviour.

If his behaviour is that bad it’s really not fair on his elderly grandparents. Maybe they just were at their wits end and snapped.

You need to look at managing his behaviour before he goes there again.

This. No wonder teenagers are getting worse....

You seem to be going everywhere except a child being badly behaved. Agree with you on the no smacking but the rest is why 75% of children are turning out ferral. In your eyes children can do no wrong.

What actions did you take with your son when grandparents first raised the behavioural issues?

They’re far from elderly, both work full time and not near retirement age.