Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

Sounds like your son gets very little attention from his dad so was probably acting up, because even negative attention is attention for kids.

I don't know what the solution is but I'm sorry that you and your son are suffering due to your son's dad checking out of being a dad.

I'd have smacked him too. Perhaps if you disciplined him, other people wouldn't have to.

Discuss it first. If grandad thinks DS had it coming and he'd do the same again next time, then you need to stop sending him. But it might be salvageable if he is already regretting it.

Even if you find a way to make if work it sounds like it's quite a trial for GPs and it's not going to be stable long term.

This.

And then he is put in a situation where he has to see his Dad having a family living relationship with the his parents ( his grandparents) but not with him. That's just cruel.

Imagine being abandoned by his Dad and then having to ' bump' into him like that.

Bloody awful.

No wonder the kid is playing up.

This cruel ' bumping into his Dad' has to stop OP. Unless his Dad is willing to form a proper contact arrangement with his son then he cannot ' bump into' his son like that. The GP need to stop that from happening. And everyone has to work really, really hard at making this kid feel as secure and loved as possible.

It might be better if the GP come to look after him at OPs house, rather than the son having to go to theirs where he will be stressed about ' bumping into' the father who abandoned him, and where he will have distressing bad memories of that happening.

This kid needs to feel secure and loved and that no-one else will abandon him.

He will already be feeling he is unlikeable and abandonable, so stopping contact with his GP is not the way forward. That will just confirm his negative self-feelings. Instead he needs contact in a way that is safe and secure for him.

He probably cannot really explain his feelings or understand where they are coming from, so talking to him will not be illuminating.

Poor kid.

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The number of people ignoring that this behaviour happened under his father’s care and has continued around his father’s presence just to have a go at the OP is ridiculous.

this is clearly an issue of poor parenting from the father

Did you miss that the dad lives with the grandparents?

I notice you have very little criticism for the dad.

Assault. Not smack.

I wouldn’t underestimate how tiring it is for grandparents to look after grandchildren. And the lack of patience and tolerance that can come with age. Smacking isn’t acceptable anymore. It wasn’t so taboo when they were bringing up their children.
Only you can decide what to do for the best.

Exactly.

It's always blame the mum around here.

They are his dad’s parents but dad never comes to see him?

There is obviously 2 issues here.

Firstly, your son's behaviour needs to be addressed. If it's unique to him being at his grandparents obviously something about that setting is causing him problems.

And secondly, regardless of what that behaviour is, it is never, ever, ever acceptable to physically discipline a child. It's up to you whether you give the Grandfather a second chance or not, but at the most a second chance would absolutely be all he would get. One more attack on your child and the GF should never be allowed to see him again.

Maybe they should smack their own son before going hitting someone else’s kid. It’s shit how many of you on here are just blaming the mum despite the dad being right there

stupid bloody app and it’s multiple posting!

Maybe they should smack their own son before going hitting someone else’s kid. It’s shit how many of you on here are just blaming the mum despite the dad being right there and abandoning his own kid

Maybe they should smack their own son before going hitting someone else’s kid. It’s shit how many of you on here are just blaming the mum despite the dad being right there and abandoning his own kid

There are a lot of women who hate women on here. Single mums, blended family mums, stepmums, MiLs, SiLs, unmarried mothers - they don't discriminate.

👏out of control kids due to soft parenting. Seeing the fruition of that in the workplace.

This. Must be so upsetting for him to know that his dad doesn't want him. Can he access counselling of some kind?

His grandparents are awful for hitting a child in any circumstances but especially one who they know is already distressed. I wouldn't send him back for overnights there, no-one is coping. Smacking is illegal in many places now (including Scotland where I am).

I take it you live in one of the countries where assaulting children' is ok?

Lots of batahit responses on this thread.

The OP has said why she still sends him there - she is a midwife and presumably works unsociable shifts that normal childcare doesn't cover, and as a single parent on an NHS salary she won't be able to afford a night nanny. If she doesn't have childcare, she doesn't work.

Also a lot of people with polar opposite opinions, from he deserves a smack to never send him again.

I'm not sure what the answer is OP but it sounds as though your son is really struggling with his dad not seeing him, and the grandparents are associated with his dad / in the place that his dad normally sees him.

Is there any way at all you can request different shift patterns?

Could they come and look after him at your house for a bit as that might break the association with his dad?

Have you looked into some therapy for him?

The dad is a cretin. TBH i would not want him getting any contact. Its both cruel and confusing. I agree with those who have said maybe its best the GP get contact away from their home environment.

Thats doesnt excuse even a confused little boy from acting ferral. Actions have consequences (Not smacking). His mother and his grandparents should have been communicating about this for much longer. It seems the GP did try but busy working single mother is not able to invest the time to deal with it properly. Thats not on the GP alone.

I said earlier its abut bringing consistences into the childs life. Parenting (Mother & GP), discipline and consequences.

Its quite simple.

One short sharp smack on the bottom doesn’t really hurt but is enough to shock briefly and stop the behaviour in its tracks and make the child listen. Much like a mother dog will nip a pup or a mother cat will scruff a kitten.

You don’t repeat the smack.

Assault is so far beyond that.

I do despair that the ability to tell the difference between those things has been lost.

This thread seems to have been derailed by people arguing whether smacking is acceptable or not 🙄

OP it's clear you cannot keep sending your son there if his behaviour is so difficult for his grandparents to manage. Physical punishment is never acceptable but it sounds like they are struggling to cope with his behaviour.

You will need to look at changing jobs if you aren't able to work around your childcare commitments. Your son has to come first. Can you look into bank nursing/midwifery?

DS’ dad (their son) stopped seeing him at the start of the summer holidays

DS must be so confused about this.

Maybe they should be having a word with their son or raised him better in the first place so he didn't believe that opting out of parenting his child was an option.

It’s not ‘derailing’ when it’s what the thread is about.