Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

This is strange. His misbehaviour must mean something about the grandparents or upset at his dad not being there.

Perhaps have a meeting with him and the grandparents together to see if that unearths anything. Hitting you child is not on. Suggests they lost control.

Yes really. I would not be looking after a poorly behaved behaved child.

I would let their parents know what their behaviour is like and if it continued they would have to find alternate childcare.

"They’re far from elderly, both work full time and not near retirement age." What day?

Yeah, kids used to go into shops and just walk around stealing in plain sight. They used to carry knives with them. Stabbings were rife back then. Crikey you must live in a bucket.

His mother?
You'd blame his mother despite the fact that your son, his father, was living with you. Men really get an easy pass from some people on here.

I would stop him going there. He's obviously unhappy there and there's a reason he's lashing out there. Listen to that. The smack would be the final straw 😞

My niece was so unhappy when she had to stay at her dad's. Her dad is now in prison. Won't say any more but we should have listened too 😢

It's because a Child Arrangements Plan may have been established as part of the proceedings, thus outlining the time a child will spend with each parent and where.

If the current situation is not what was agreed, seeking advice from a solicitor would be advisable.

I don’t agree with smacking but I agree with the above that the single instance of smacking in 8 years can be worked through. The much bigger issue is why a child who is generally a good, well behaved kid is behaving poorly for his grandfather.

I agree with other posters I would say his father’s abandonment and disregard is probably at the heart of it.

Let’s face it the 8 year old and the 80 year old are so far from being the worst behaved people in this whole story.

I really hope you get sorted @mionetee it would be a huge disappointment if there is not some way to address this for you and your son. Maybe some play therapy to help him open up about what is going on.

I know you say you don’t have childcare but cannot nothing be rearranged at work with alternate childcare?

It would be good if his dad stepped up but that’s not going to happen and clearly something at the grandparents is triggering his behaviour. Another PP said maybe it’s his outlet for his dad abandoning him. In which case is a child therapist possible? Or what about your parents?

Why did his dad suddenly abandon him after 8 years.

You posted that his behaviour there has been bad for years but you have continued to leave him there so you really don't seem to have addressed the situation and it's finally come to this.

He's angry with his dad on on an unconsious level for rejecting him and abandoning him. He's just a kid. When he's there he's angry and he's showing it. "Why isn't my dad here? Why doesn't he treat me like he loves me?" It's actually pretty healthy. He's a child, an innocent, dependent, hopeful child who has wants to be loved and cared for.

Have you spent time with him, while at the grandparents house?

You can't give up your job. If you have the money for it, I'd suggest some family therapy so he can talk about his feelings of disappointment, grief, sadness, rejection and anger that he's been abandoned by his dad. It's a lot for a child to process.

Do you talk to your DS about his feelings about his Dad?

I dont agree. Generally now lax, no or "gentle parenting is causing a lot of issues in communities and schools. This boy is old enough to learn to behave. Although probably many of his issues are coming from being totally let down by his dad. At least the grandparents are trying.

Do you get hit when you deserve it?

And it today’s episode of adult men not being accountable for their own behaviour….

It's against the law is a factor.

yes it is. Would you allow your boss to smack your bum when you perform poorly at work? Or is hitting only okay for children?

Not using violence.

Where does OP say the grandparent is 80? She mentioned a comment the grandparents are working full time and not at retirement age

Well they are not trying are they, they are smacking him so he's better off without them too.
Deadbeat GP and deadbeat dad.

There is obviously a middle ground between being completely permissive and physical abuse.

We don't tolerate adults hitting each other, and adults are capable are capable of standing up for themselves and defending themselves. Children are not.

There is obviously an underlying reason to this kids behaviour, but you absolutely do not solve it by hitting the kid.

That’s rich from you considering you are blaming the mum rather than the dad because it’s been established that the dad is crap

Doesn’t appear to be strictly true:

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/civil-rights/young-people-s-rights/

OP said he's excited to go. I'm not saying his gf was ok to hit him, but if a light smack on his bottom was enough to have him in tears then maybe he needs to stop being such a spoilt brat and learn that he can't just do as he pleases when he feels like it.

So do you.

It sounds like it's was a one off - although I'd still be furious personally.

Since no one seems keen to change the current arrangement, I would:

• have a strong word with the grandparents about how unacceptable it is to hit a child, whatever the circumstances.
• closing the matter above and moving on: discuss a plan of actions together to end that cycle of bad behaviour when he's visiting them. It sounds like your son isn't denying it either, so you all need to agree about consequences when it happens next.

It also sounds like your son is quite open about his lack of control and acknowledge the behaviour, so personally I would look whether a therapist could help with underlying issues he's having that he struggles to communicate about with you.