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AIBU?

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Original poster

Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

223 replies

mionetee · Today 11:35

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

OP posts:
Scarlettpixie · Today 12:12

Have you not been concerned that the behaviour shown there means he doesn’t want to go?

DoubleBusy2026 · Today 12:12

BobbleBear · Today 11:57

The grandparent is not the problem here. They’re doing you a massive favour caring for him and trying to discipline your unruly child before he goes completely off the rails.

You need to focus on your son’s problem behaviour instead of pandering to him otherwise you’ll regret this when he’s an older teen and doing drugs and god knows what else.

Edited

Victim blaming and condoning violence against a child! My f’ing god

Velumental · Today 12:13

Tessasanderson · Today 12:08

Sounds to me like GP have repeatedly told you of the bad behaviour. Either you dont class it as such or he doesnt act like that with you. Either way, if a child of mine acted in such a way at ANYONES house they would be disciplined. That doesnt neccessarily mean smacking but they would regret their actions in some form.

The GPs were wrong to smack your child. OK. So tell them you dont ever want them smacking your child. Now thats dealt with you can then come up with a solution to ensure his behaviour improves. 2 days per week is a lot of childcare and you say the child enjoys going and must have a fairly solid relationship with them. Thats a blessing in the current world.

From what you write i think you need to start looking into your own parenting. They can switch off the smacking immediately, you cant modify your childs behaviour so quickly and given legs might get worse as he ages.

How would you discipline out of interest?

IronEverything · Today 12:13

mionetee · Today 12:09

DS’ dad (their son) stopped seeing him at the start of the summer holidays. Prior to this, they didn’t regularly have him. They’d have him for their son on his days/nights when he had to work etc.

The arrangement of them having him 1-2 nights a week was pushed by them, I imagine because they feel bad that their son had abandoned his child. DS’ dad lives with them, so he sees him sometimes.

He isn’t bad there all the time. This behaviour happened when he was with his dad. What they describe is a different child.

I’ve spoken to DS many times, of course. He says he doesn’t know why he behaves that way, says he can’t control it.

It’s hard for me to discipline him for behaviour I do not witness. When with me, or my parents, or at school, his behaviour is exemplary. Genuinely rarely have an issue with him, and when I do it’s just typical 8 year old stuff.

I have talked about stopping the over nights before, neither DS nor grandparents want that. Grandparents insist on having him.

I am a midwife, so have to do long shifts and have no other option.

Right you're now telling a completely different story to your OP.

Either way, the behaviour is ongoing and he's admitted to it but you supposedly can't discipline him? It's no wonder things have escalated.

Franjipanl8r · Today 12:13

His own dad has abandoned him and I expect the GPs are normalising this and singing his praises. This whole situation is toxic and your poor son is struggling to make sense of it all (and rightly so). Remove him from this situation ASAP, none of them deserve your son’s time.

Worriednanof1 · Today 12:13

Franjipanl8r · Today 12:10

So they’ve raised their own son to be an absent father, why would you entrust them to help raise your son?

Why is somebody always quick to blame the parents? Sometimes you can do everything right & they still turn out the way they will.

Wynter25 · Today 12:13

Stompythedinosaur · Today 12:09

You can't continue to send him to a household you know he's being physically abused.

A smack on the bum isnt abuse. Jesus. No wonder kids are getting out of control now.

Stompythedinosaur · Today 12:13

Wynter25 · Today 12:11

This. No wonder teenagers are getting worse....

Show quote history

Sure sure, the problem is that we aren't beating enough children.

It's not like there's an abundance of research to say violence does not help to improve behaviour. Let's just focus on what feels good to a certain type of adult.

PurpleThistle7 · Today 12:14

It sounds like this is the end of something that never worked well anyway.

DoubleBusy2026 · Today 12:14

mionetee · Today 12:09

DS’ dad (their son) stopped seeing him at the start of the summer holidays. Prior to this, they didn’t regularly have him. They’d have him for their son on his days/nights when he had to work etc.

The arrangement of them having him 1-2 nights a week was pushed by them, I imagine because they feel bad that their son had abandoned his child. DS’ dad lives with them, so he sees him sometimes.

He isn’t bad there all the time. This behaviour happened when he was with his dad. What they describe is a different child.

I’ve spoken to DS many times, of course. He says he doesn’t know why he behaves that way, says he can’t control it.

It’s hard for me to discipline him for behaviour I do not witness. When with me, or my parents, or at school, his behaviour is exemplary. Genuinely rarely have an issue with him, and when I do it’s just typical 8 year old stuff.

I have talked about stopping the over nights before, neither DS nor grandparents want that. Grandparents insist on having him.

I am a midwife, so have to do long shifts and have no other option.

If you can’t leave your job then your DS needs to go into foster care as he’s not safe in this situation. Your son is being physically assaulted! No job is worth that ffs

Original poster
mionetee · Today 12:14

HalzTangz · Today 12:12

What actions did you take with your son when grandparents first raised the behavioural issues?

I have tried speaking to him to understand where the behaviour comes from, I’ve tried disciplining him, we’ve had long chats about his feelings, I’ve suggested shortening the visits and stopping over nights, I’ve spoken to his teacher and the health visitor. I’ve googled and googled and googled too.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · Today 12:15

Worriednanof1 · Today 12:13

Why is somebody always quick to blame the parents? Sometimes you can do everything right & they still turn out the way they will.

Show quote history

I cannot tell you how often "subject to physical abuse in the form of physical chastisement" comes up in my work. It's abuse, and it harms children's brain development.

Velumental · Today 12:15

mionetee · Today 12:09

DS’ dad (their son) stopped seeing him at the start of the summer holidays. Prior to this, they didn’t regularly have him. They’d have him for their son on his days/nights when he had to work etc.

The arrangement of them having him 1-2 nights a week was pushed by them, I imagine because they feel bad that their son had abandoned his child. DS’ dad lives with them, so he sees him sometimes.

He isn’t bad there all the time. This behaviour happened when he was with his dad. What they describe is a different child.

I’ve spoken to DS many times, of course. He says he doesn’t know why he behaves that way, says he can’t control it.

It’s hard for me to discipline him for behaviour I do not witness. When with me, or my parents, or at school, his behaviour is exemplary. Genuinely rarely have an issue with him, and when I do it’s just typical 8 year old stuff.

I have talked about stopping the over nights before, neither DS nor grandparents want that. Grandparents insist on having him.

I am a midwife, so have to do long shifts and have no other option.

His dad has clearly massively upset him with his horrible behaviour.

He doesn't go there anymore, he's being upset by his dad abandoning him yet having to be in his home (horrible, my children would be distraught) so he's acting out and their response is to hit him?

If be putting it to them exactly like that and if in Scotland where hitting kids is illegal I'd file a police report to have it on file

Worriednanof1 · Today 12:15

Raccoonswillonedayrevolt · Today 12:04

Hitting and smacking across the bottom are a bit different. Hitting has the intention to hurt, smacking has the intention to discipline. Was he actually hurt or just shocked?
Hitting is never right, but smacking is not automatic grounds to burn your life, your career and your child's relationship with their grandparents to the ground.

What a load of crap.

SomersetBrie · Today 12:15

BobbleBear · Today 11:57

The grandparent is not the problem here. They’re doing you a massive favour caring for him and trying to discipline your unruly child before he goes completely off the rails.

You need to focus on your son’s problem behaviour instead of pandering to him otherwise you’ll regret this when he’s an older teen and doing drugs and god knows what else.

Edited

Hoping you don't have access to children but it's probable that you do.
If you are hitting them, please stop.

Stompythedinosaur · Today 12:15

Sorry @Worriednanof1 I've quoted the wrong post, that wasn't a reply to you!

Wynter25 · Today 12:16

Stompythedinosaur · Today 12:13

Sure sure, the problem is that we aren't beating enough children.

It's not like there's an abundance of research to say violence does not help to improve behaviour. Let's just focus on what feels good to a certain type of adult.

Show quote history

Theres a massive difference to a smacked bum and beating a child ffs.

Tessasanderson · Today 12:16

mionetee · Today 12:09

DS’ dad (their son) stopped seeing him at the start of the summer holidays. Prior to this, they didn’t regularly have him. They’d have him for their son on his days/nights when he had to work etc.

The arrangement of them having him 1-2 nights a week was pushed by them, I imagine because they feel bad that their son had abandoned his child. DS’ dad lives with them, so he sees him sometimes.

He isn’t bad there all the time. This behaviour happened when he was with his dad. What they describe is a different child.

I’ve spoken to DS many times, of course. He says he doesn’t know why he behaves that way, says he can’t control it.

It’s hard for me to discipline him for behaviour I do not witness. When with me, or my parents, or at school, his behaviour is exemplary. Genuinely rarely have an issue with him, and when I do it’s just typical 8 year old stuff.

I have talked about stopping the over nights before, neither DS nor grandparents want that. Grandparents insist on having him.

I am a midwife, so have to do long shifts and have no other option.

I would be looking into what they are feeding him. I know my children would return from their GP wired to another planet.

It turned out GP idea of love was to open the sweets and chocolate jar the entire time they were there. "If a GP cant spoil their GC then who can" type thing.

If the behaviour is so different then there has to be a underlying reason

NoHotGirlsInHell · Today 12:16

It sounds like the arrangement can’t continue. He is badly behaved with them and they can’t control themselves and physically harm
him?!

Absobeautely · Today 12:17

So many disturbing posts promoting child abuse. I really hope the pro violence posters don't have a kid.

Can you tell your employer you need to reduce your hours? Your son can't be left with violent adults.

purplecorkheart · Today 12:18

Tessasanderson · Today 12:16

I would be looking into what they are feeding him. I know my children would return from their GP wired to another planet.

It turned out GP idea of love was to open the sweets and chocolate jar the entire time they were there. "If a GP cant spoil their GC then who can" type thing.

If the behaviour is so different then there has to be a underlying reason

Show quote history

No harm in looking into this.

Sorry can I clarify does the bad behavior happen when his Dad is in the house or when he is not in the house? I wonder is that part of the issue?

AbouttimeIhadanewusername · Today 12:19

Poor boy. He probably keeps hoping he will see his Dad there. 😢
No wonder he misbehaves. His emotions must be all over the place.

IronEverything · Today 12:20

mionetee · Today 12:14

I have tried speaking to him to understand where the behaviour comes from, I’ve tried disciplining him, we’ve had long chats about his feelings, I’ve suggested shortening the visits and stopping over nights, I’ve spoken to his teacher and the health visitor. I’ve googled and googled and googled too.

Show quote history

Sounds to me like he's had no consequences.

Tessasanderson · Today 12:20

Careful everyone, the child abuse, assault, murderer comments are now in full flow. Ignore the fact the standard of parenting is now in the gutter and youths are out of control because they werent given enough discipline (Not smacking) when they were younger. If you use anything more than a raised voice we call the police.

Its the same with any issue in this country these days. Shout a bit louder than the person next to you and your opinion then becomes the law.

TinyOcelot · Today 12:21

It's (rightly) illegal in many countries to hit a child. You can't let this happen to him.