Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

His father has abandoned him and 1-2 days a week he goes to a home where his father may or may not be?

How does that work? Does his father engage with him when he’s there or ignore him?

It sounds like an entirely unsustainable situation.

Where did you get this from? This issue only happened recently and she clearly said he loves going there. Where did you see that he had been unhappy for years?

If he's happy there it could just be that their way of talking to him/disciplining him/setting expectations etc isn't very effective. Especially as it sounds as though parenting methods are different - see the smack. I don't think the smack is okay and I'd want to be making sure that they were clear it mustn't happen again but it's not on a par with sustained serious physical abuse. Parenting norms hace changed since their day. And having to leave your job is going to have a significant negative effect on the household which some people seem to be merrily overlooking.

''If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.''

OP, you DO have options, it's just been convenient for you that the grandparents have been childminding your child for free.

You have admitted your son display challenging behaviour while there.
You have said his grandad hit him across the bottom.
Your son doesn't want to be there, yet you STILL want to send him, because it's free childcare???

So prior to the summer was his dad having him for your overnight shifts? I think it is quite clear where the bad behaviour has come from, poor boy must be so confused and upset by his dad abandoning him.
In an ideal world you would sweep in and tell them that they would not lay another finger on you boy and would only see him when supervised. However, you have a job and bills to pay and it is not that simple if it really does end your ability to provide for him. I would suggest taking a moment and thinking through all your options:
Is there a chance of another shift pattern?
Could you easily get a different type of job with a similar wage?
Is there anyone else who could take him overnight, even if just one night to make it more manageable for grandparents?
Are grandparents the type of people who will now be feeling awful about this and take on board the fact that they must absolutely not hit him?
Could you approach school for some mental health support so he can talk through what no doubt must feel like abandonment?
I'm so sorry for you and your poor boy, what a difficult situation you find yourself trying to navigate.

An overnight childminder?? Never heard of one of these.

The OP literally says his behaviour has been an issue at their house for years in the second paragraph.

And who would be doing the supervising?

A parent who has failed to teach her child how to behave. Great idea!

Why can your ex "only" see the child if the child stays at his grandparents?

Grandad sounds frustrated, and your child isn't enjoying it, is he? You're going to have to find an alternative before this escalates as the child gets older.

Now we are trying to put the lad in a mental health box.

Good god. The lad needs a father figure. He needs more time with his own parents. He needs consistent parenting with consequences for actions (Not smacking).

Life is complicated but he is a little lad who needs to eat properly, play plenty and be parented consistently.

So it is a dad problem, he's desperate to see his dad, but he may or may not be there and when his dad is there he shows off and mis-behaves, It isn't a mystery it's just his totally confused feelings about his dad. Does his dad interact with him at the GPs? Does he ignore him or wind him up? Can you talk to him about his feelings about his dad and hardly ever seeing him?

There are three adults in the GPs household. If they can’t keep an 8 year old under control without hitting him there is a big problem in that house.

It’s not your ds fault. He is acting out - perhaps he is struggling with different rules in the different homes/ struggling with the uncertainty of seeing his dad ?

Cutting off contact might make it worse though - ds may blame himself and think “dad won’t see me because I made grandad angry”.

Could you try and reset things - invite gp over to your house when you all share a weekend and see how gp supervise ds.
Discuss with them reasonable discipline , boundaries and rules in your house vs their house, Make it clear that if Grandad ever raises a hand or threatens your ds then they will lose contact and you’ll report to police.

My first thought was that he is trying to get his deadbeat dad's attention.

So you think it is okay for an adult male to hit an 8 year-old child?

This ^

jeez

Does this behaviour coincide with him not seeing his dad?

Hitting and smacking a child are the same thing. If in England and this came to light with teachers etc it would warrant a safeguarding referral. If the child was marked as a result then Police would be notified. You as a parent are your son’s safeguarding factor you cannot knowingly send him back somewhere he has been assaulted. This may not be the first time it has happened. He is 8 he’s told you that someone has hurt him. It is your job to protect him.

If he deserves it , yes.

We have young child who is consistently well-behaved and well regulated with his primary caregiver and at school, but becomes upset and disregulated when in the care of his paternal grandparents - a new arrangement which has been put in place to compensate for being abandoned by his father, who may or may not be present during these visits?

And people are blaming a) weak parenting by the mother and/or b) the child? Seriously? That's how you join those dots?

I don't recall mentioning an overnight childminder.
It could be a change of shift patterns, another relative...

These types of threads are always pointless.

It's split between nutcases thinking you should be able to birch children and other idiots in this thread equating a tap on the bum with beating, walloping, violence, physical abuse.

I can't decide who piss me off most

Yes.
We see it on the news daily... feral kids having had no discipline or boundaries.

I dont think its OK for an 8 year old to lob the TV remote around....

If you do something wrong at work is it ok if your boss puts you across their knee to discipline you?

Seems to coincide with seeing his dad. Over excited? Resentful? Confused?