Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

Maybe it will teach him not to be so badly behaved when visiting his grandparents.

I would stop. It's stressful for the child and for grandparents. You can go together with your son every now and then. Or they can come over to yours.
Make sure child maintenance is correct (child is not in care of his father at all). Grandparents looking after your child, with your arrangement, doesn't count as he being with his father.

I would have intervened years ago, your son is clearly deeply unhappy spending these nights at his grandparents. All behaviour is communication and while I do think you should stop him going there because of what has happened I also think something should have been done a long time ago to prevent getting to this stage. Listen to your child.

My child absolutely wouldn't be going any longer.

It sounds like the grandparents have been unhappy with this set up for years, they can’t control him and he doesn’t behave for them so why on earth are you sending him there 2 nights a week??

If someone hit my 8 year old daughter they wouldn´t see her for dust, and I am no Millennial. I grew up in the 80s and you would get a slap for answering back, not doing what you were told after the 11th ask etc etc. If I wanted my daughter to be educated that way I would do it myself.
You will probably find your son is acting up when with them because they have "long hands" and this isn´t the first time it´s happened by any stretch of the imagination. Get him out.

There’s a very good reason we don’t physically HIT children anymore 🙄

It's quite a big ask to expect grandparents to look after a child whose behaviour can be difficult. Only you can decide the best way forward.

Sounds like you've continued to drop him off there, knowing he misbehaves and done nothing about it.

Maybe he'll think twice next time.

This comment sounds like it's straight out of the 1980s 🤦‍♀️

If this was in Wales (I'm just saying this, I don't expect it to have been), then it would have been a criminal offence.
There is NO reason for hitting children.

If I was the grandparents I would have stopped having him over years ago

Your son's behaviour when he visits his grandparents is showing you he is not happy whatever he says. You need to get to the bottom of why his behaviour is so bad with them. Have you spoken to him, do you know what triggers the bad behaviour?
Your dad hitting him is completely unacceptable and could get worse if you don't address it now. I regularly care for my at times extremely difficult GS who sometimes does throw things in frustration I would never dream of hitting him There are ways of dealing with children who can't self regulate and hitting them isn't one of them. The fact that your dad's doesn't have the ability to walk away when he is angry and doesn't have the restraint not to hit a difficult child is worrying. What you decide to do about it is your decision but you need to put your child first.

Well something needs to change doesn't it. I see the 'smack on the arse never did me any harm' people are out on this thread but they are not very rational about this stuff. If you are against corporal punishment you should not send him there any more. If he is badly behaved with them and not with you he is trying to communicate something. There must be an alternative to giving up your job - can you take parental leave for a bit to sort something else out? I know that is expensive but your son's development is really important and something is clearly wrong with the current arrangement.

All the people who condone this need to get a wallop every time they’re feeling upset/angry/confused or struggle to communicate their feelings. The comments here are sickening. My children wouldn’t be seeing their grandparents without supervision after this.

It doesn’t sound like it’s positive for him or them. What can you do about work?

Sounds like he deserved it. If you won't discipline your child or he only acts up when you are not there let them do it their way.

Honestly, I think the situation is very unfair to all involved. It sounds like he is unhappy there and that his Grandparents are struggling with his behavior. It is hard regarding your career, is there any room to change roles?

Have you actually asked the 8 year old why he behaves one way with you and another way with his Grandparents?

If he's excited to go to them and he acts up majorly when there it sounds like they don't assert many boundaries and he knows he can get away with murder. Until now of course.

I'd make it clear that if he doesn't behave then he won't be going to grandparents at all and there'll be a lot less treats in the house while you sort your job out.

I wouldn't stop him going because of one smack.

More like the 1950s.

If he says he likes to go to spend time with them, the ‘communication’ in the form of bad behaviour could mean he is relaxed enough in their company to express his unhappiness to them without it meaning it is about them. Maybe he is sad his dad does not want to see him? Maybe he does not have enough time to play with OP.

The grand dad though may be a bit old-fashioned and confrontational for a modern child. Perhaps a bit, ‘Do as I say. Now!’
Grand dad may not know when to pick his battles. I wonder if there might be an on line course with advice for dealing with naughty children constructively?

The grandad will be from a time when a smack on the bottom was not thought of as being child abuse. You need to speak to him and explain that smacking or grabbing your ds, how ever warranted it seems, is absolutely off limits. It must never ever happen. Warn him what trouble he could get into. Ask him if in light of what you say he thinks they can manage.

If someone hit my child then they wouldn’t be left to look after them again.

This is completely untrue.

It sounds like he doesn’t like it there and his grandparents don’t like having him.

find an alternative?

They have been telling you for years that he is not well behaved and your answer to that is he is a delight at home. He hasn't denied throwing the remote across the room.

Have you ever talked to him about his behaviour there? Does he realise that they are doing you a massive favour so that you can go to work when he is there?

They have clearly had enough. Now no one should hit anyone ever so you need to talk to them about that but also your son who is making their lives harder.