Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

This is your family you are wielding control over? So nice of you to extend the visit to an hour! The is a control move, pure and simple.

I’d be pissed off if I was your sister.

You aren't being unreasonable to limit visit times, but nor is she unreasonable to say she doesn't want to come all that way for an hour or less. Just wait til the baby is a bit older if it isn't working for any of you right now.

@Neverendingsummer26 how long did you visit your sister when she had a child? Did she ask you to leave after 30-60 mins? It is overwhelming when you have a newborn I can sympathise with the sleep deprivation but she has gone out of her way with a long journey with small children. Have a chat it will be okay x

@Neverendingsummer26 how old is your baby and how is your mental health? I ask because this is the kind of controlling behaviour I was displaying before I was diagnosed with PPD and anxiety. To other people it probably looked like I was just being difficult or precious but the reality was that I was breaking down in tears before and after seeing people and I simply couldn’t cope with even the slightest deviation from plans or unexpected visit because I was so depressed and anxious. If my baby started crying when I had a visitor I would go upstairs and have a panic attack. Of course regardless of what’s going on with you, your sister is not being unreasonable at all - that’s a long way for her to travel and a lot to ask of her. But I just thought I’d ask in case there’s more going on at your end.

Can't you just let your sister visit for a few hours but take yourself off upstairs/to another room with the baby if you need to for an hour. You could have a walk to the park with them or they could pop out and come back but it might be good to be a bit more flexible given she's done it twice already and it's a lot to expect 2 year olds to travel that far.

Your choice. But don't be surprised if you don't get any more visits.

No sorry OP, I get why you want to protect your energy and time with a new baby, but 30 minutes window stipulation for close family wasn’t going to land well. You get what you get.

And your sister is right, why expect them to travel down again to be dictated to for another controlled viewing? Why not just wait a bit? I don’t think you can have it both ways.

I can see both perspectives here but am with your sister OP.

If you’re not feeling great and struggling with a newborn, it can be quite tempting to shut yourself away and I can see why some boisterous toddlers might feel a bit much.

However, it sounds like your sister is trying to plan to see you with very young children and then finding the visits aren’t great. When you’re feeling a bit better, you need to try and find some meeting places half way that give her boys somewhere to run around and you two a chance to chat with the baby. Garden centre cafes with a playground hit the mark pretty well.

OP I love that you are seeing you could do things differently. If that feels hard then do be open to talking about stressors to your HCPs. Trying to control the uncontrollable can be panic or PPD. Be kind to your self.

A friend’s sister was similar recently then her DH had an accident and my friend was needed a lot. They all agreed it ended up better that way and they enjoy each other - the new mum said she had been very influenced by the whole baby moon idea and not letting anyone else feed her baby for bonding but in reality, after a bit of a shake up, found it easier embracing the chaos that comes with people and enjoying the better support. just mentioned it in case any of her experience resonated.

Sounds like you have a lovely family to be part of - enjoy your baby.

I was never like this after having any of my babies. I can’t understand it personally. I’ve only ever seen weirdly uptight attitudes like this on Mumsnet.

Congrats though!

I’m 59 and my youngest is now 23. I read all these threads and am bemused by them. Unless someone is actively hostile why are visits such an issue? Small babies don’t require much apart from holding and feeding.

Don’t burn your bridges over a silly rule. I think you’re being precious I can’t imagine my family taking that when I had my babies. I cooked dinner for friends the day I came home from hospital and ten days later held a party at home.

if thats your boundary that’s fine but your sister is allowed hers and hers is more reasonable. You may end up with little support should you need it one day

When you have your second and are charging around managing a toddler and a baby, washing, cooking cleaning etc... you'll look back at this and laugh quietly at yourself. You'll be glad of anyone who can come for a bit and lend a hand, no matter how long they stay. As for resting....

Edited to add... I mean the above very kindly, I had all sorts of thoughts about how things would be when I had my first and spent quite a bit of time looking back and sniggering at my naivety, particularly when I had my second.

I think it's ok to limit visiting time if that's what you need/want. I didn't, but everyone is different.

I said YABU because your sister is also fine to say the short visit doesn't work for her circumstances. I would really struggle for such a short visit and it's getting colder. Maybe the park isn't working it's magic 2-3 long trips in with colder weather. That journey is essentially the day and weekends are precious to most people. Long journeys have to be worth the end point, especially with kids.

She has made the effort and it didn't work for her. She hasn't said she won't come again and she has in fact respected your boundary. You should also respect hers. Let her know when you are up for longer visits and accept that not everybody can flex to your needs all of the time.

If you're worried about keeping in touch, maybe suggest some phone or video calls until you feel ready for longer visits.

You've accepted YABU so no need for more of a pile on.

Perhaps suggest something out of the house, cafe, soft play, park etc.

Is there a country park or woods or beach midway between you? Little babies and toddlers all tend to do well with a bit of fresh air - the baby can nap in the pram and the toddlers can let off steam

It isn't often you get a long thread / big thread where (currently) 98% are in agreement that YABU.

But, fair play to you for taking it on board.

Contact your sister and let her know you understand now.

Im guessing they left after 40 mins as you were pulling faces about your nephews noise upsetting the baby making it 'fussy' (this is exactly what happened to myself and dh when we visited friends baby with our toddlers)

Isnt it a two hour rule that baby shouldnt be in car seat without a break? And if your that worried split the journey and stop for 20mins or so. Theres no reason you cant travel with the baby.

Have you looked to see what venues are halfway between yours and sisters home, so you can split the drive?

Are there any places where your nephews can run round and burn off energy, while you and your sister can chat whilst walking round with the pram? Adventure play park type places x

Ohh I think I just cancelled the cheque 😂

Why don't you just take some time and go to your bedroom to chill with the baby if you need to on a visit? I think 30 minutes is so short, especially with that travel time! (I too had a precious firstborn, so I know how you're feeling, but it sounds like your sister's message was factual and just said that with the parameters you've set, her visits don't work - and you can't really argue with that).

Thats a long drive with kids ! That's like london to dorset. I wouldnt be doing thst with kids.no

Can't you rest while her and kids potter about at yours...?

You need to relax a bit about her visiting as thst is quite a distance for casual visits.

Relax and make the most of visitors to let you have a rest. Dont feel you have to entertain or cook. People just want to help. Let them!

Her children are just babies as well.op

When yours is older you will realise her situation is currently just as tiring as yours '2 year old twins !! She is hardly on easy street.