Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

You're being really unreasonable.

Nobody had any objections at first because, presumably, you were in your first week or two and everyone needs to get their head on straight. Now there have been multiple visits, so baby must be 1m+?

I don't get why it was stressful that your baby was fussing with your family there. They're your family, and they have kids so they've been there. Just do whatever you would normally do to soothe baby, or suggest a walk somewhere, etc. Can your partner step in and help while you chat to your sister etc?

I wouldn't have my kids in the car for 2.5 hours for a one-hour visit either. If I could combine it with something else, sure (as she did previously) - but it's getting colder now so she can't just camp out at a local park for ages.

I don't really know what "adjust to being a family of 3" means or how exactly longer visits would stop you adjusting, but you'll find it a lot harder to adjust if you drive away your support network.

I think you may be tired and still settling into new routines but I think you will look back on this and be embarrassed at treating your family in such a way. I’ve never comes across this before, short visits to a newborn are to be expected but insisting on 30 mins for your sister when she has travelled to see you is just odd.

Youre allowed to set rules and shes allowed not to come. Driving 2 hours with kids can be a nightmare; as you’ll soon find out. If baby is fussing, take them elsewhere in the house and let your guests stay longer that’s what we always did. Or give them chores!!

I think you can’t be annoyed at other people setting boundaries when you’ve clearly set yours. My kids are teens now but there was no concept of short visits/ setting boundaries for me even 15 years ago. I was grateful that people wanted to visit and tried to accommodate that. Some were helpful; others less so.
Imagine in a few years’ time when you need some emergency childcare as little one is ill and you have to work (for example) - if you’ve been very prescriptive and controlling, then people are unlikely to be flexible with you or out themselves out.
I really hope things are going well with your new baby and I remember how overwhelming everything was at that time so I’m not saying this to be mean at all. I just think being conscious of other people’s needs, even when you’re struggling, goes a long way to building relationships xxx

I don’t really understand your stance but you are allowed to feel that way and set those limits.

Equally your sister is allowed to say that it’s too much for her and her children. I think waiting until you’re ready for longer visits is very reasonable, and respects your boundaries.

What’s PFB?

Precious First Born...

Unfortunately OP you can't have everything your way. You're thinking of yourself and your child, your sister is thinking of herself and hers.
In a few years time, you will probably not be overjoyed at the idea of piling your child into the car for a lengthy journey, losing the best part of a day, for the sake of an hour tops, that could be reduced even further.
She will be contending with bored children, high fuel costs, logistics of meals on the go and only the prospect of the park in November weather to give her kids any sort of a day out of it.
I think she's been very fair OP.

Is this serious, do people actually set limits, I'm struggling to believe this? I appreciate having a newborn is exhausting but if people are going out of their way to visit you I can't imagine setting time limits. I found family and friends really understanding and none of them overstayed their welcome. I didn't give them a slot. Do you normally send guests packing to suit yourself? It's rude.

It is a bit excessive to be timing visits, especially with close family. I understand in the first month because you are still adjusting, recovering etc. But after that, it doesn't really make sense. I have visited friends with newborns and never had any restriction. If your baby was fussy, that's ok, surely they aren't expecting you to be talking to them the whole day? Was your partner not around to help?
What are your reasons for such strict timings? What happens after an hour? Maybe ease up a bit and enjoy the down time with your sister.

YAB ridiculous.

Your sister will understand that babies need to feed/ nap etc. Surely they can stay in the house and chat to your OH (or your OH can deal with the baby) even if the baby needs changed/fed etc?

Turfing them out after 30 minutes is just insulting to them, having made the effort to come and see you.

This is bang on op.

My kids are 6 and nearly 3. Yesterday we did a 50 min drive each way to National Trust. On the way back they were moaning about hungry and also fighting and irritating eachother most of the way. So not fun.

2 and a half hours driving is a lot for small kids.

The absolute audacity of limiting visits then getting upset when people limit their visits!

You are within your rights to limit visits, although 30m sounds ridiculous to me- your baby your life! As equally, people are within their rights to roll their eyes and say 30m to 1h visit isnt worth the 2/ 3 hour round trip.

If you set out rules like you have, people are within their rights to disengage.

This is spot on. And I would counsel you to think of the long term. Your sister and her kids will be your baby’s “team”. If you put everyone off at this stage, those bonds won’t develop in the way you might really wish them to when your child is older.

I see her point.

She's bringing young kids. So they're spending nearly 3 hours in the car for a very brief visit. She's seen that that doesn't work for them. So she'll see you when she sees you and she's not going to make the drive and subject her kids to hours in the car.

What's your problem with that? She's making decisions for her family.

I'm torn on this OP. With my first baby I felt like death warmed up for the first two months and also struggled to cope with longer visits. I can also understand why people, especially with young children themselves, don't want to spend more time driving than visiting.

I think you have to accept your sister's decision for now and reassess in a few months time. Hopefully you'll start to feel better soon and there's a compromise that can be found.

Why are you telling people how long they can visit for - it's very odd, especially as they are doing a longish journey? Hormones, yes, but you are burning your boats here and burnt boats have a habit of coming back to bite you (sorry, mixed metaphor!).
NB My sister-in-law did this, telling me we could not visit on the only day we could possibly visit. The result was that we did not see her youngest child for some years.

Your sister sounds great. Also fab that she has young children too. I wouldn’t push her away because of post pregancy hormones and your child being PFB. The newborn stage is very brief.

I'd be amazed if anyone bothers. You've made it very clear they're not welcome. Maybe that suits you?

Where did you get the idea of time limited visits from?
Why did you think you'd be overwhelmed by longer visits? I very much doubt a baby would be overwhelmed by longer visits, they're pretty adaptable.
I've never heard of anything like this so curious as to how it came about.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want people around for ages and to let them know if advance that you’d rather they didn’t stick around for hours, especially if you’re exhausted, are trying to get to grips with breastfeeding if applicable etc.

I also don’t think your sister is unreasonable for saying “I’m not driving over an hour each way with small children for a short visit”.
The fact you drove that far isn’t really relevant - it doesn’t create an obligation on her part, especially as presumably you weren’t doing that journey with children.

Spoiler alert - you’re in the easiest stage, so if you’re struggling with managing baby and visitors now, you’re in for a shock going forward. A newborn baby literally does nothing. I watched so much Netflix when both my two were born - just sat on my sofa with them asleep on me, eating snacks and watching television all day long. It was bloody lovely. I’m honestly struggling to understand why, 3 visits in, you’re still feeling overwhelmed by the thought of having your own sister round for more than an hour? What also struck me in your OP is when you say your baby gets fussy, you got stressed - your baby feeds off of your energy, so you need to unclench, slob on your sofa and enjoy the newborn snuggles (and enjoy the visitors). It’ll make everyone happier

Uh huh... And when you went to see your sister and her baby, did she tell you to leave after 30 minutes?

I find that pretty odd, I wouldn't let them be holding the baby for hours but surely the baby will be in a cot or a crib or something and you will just be sitting around chatting and having a cup of tea. And you are talking about close family who should just fit in with your routine. I wouldn't have my sister drive over an hour each way and say you can only stay for an half an hour or an hour.

Yes because of your insistence on the "rules" no doubt.