Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

I can see her point of view. You sounds very precious and regimented. Most people don’t outstay their welcome and if they do you then end the visit but to have such a strict 30 mins rule is very over the top. Its obviously completely up to you if your feel overwhelmed and need to adjust but it’s also up to your sister if the doesn’t want to keep doing a journey which is double the length of the visit . I get it’s really hard having a new baby but don’t isolate yourself and make things harder try and relax

Some PP are a bit harsh - the world does revolved around you for a bit when you have your first newborn baby. They are not wrong, just a bit harsh. One thing you learn as a mother is your own needs have to take a backseat to your DC but it is an adjustment for for first one. By DC3 you will be out of hospital one day and the next day you will be juggling school nursery drop offs, midwife appointments, dance lessons and conflicting nap times. ‘Rest’ becomes five minutes sitting down with a cold cup of coffee made an hour earlier in front CBeebies whilst you feed your youngest.

my nephews are 2

Are they twins? She’s been very reasonable driving toddler twins for 2.5 hrs total on several occasions for just a short visit.

She doesn’t need a gp. She wants a village without being a villager

You're looking at this the wrong way round OP - you shouldn't be feeling upset that she doesn't want to come and see you until you are ready for a longer visit; you should be really grateful that she's made the trip 3 times with 2 year olds.

If you're feeling you want her support, then why not take your baby up to see her (with a break if you are nervous about time spent in car seat) and spend as long as you like/she's happy to have you?

my nephews are 2 & very active & noisy

Holy moly, OP. Your sister is a saint to have come at all. It really isn't comparable to you having visited her when she had a baby.

I would really encourage you to talk to her a bit more openly and freely- no more setting time limits. Explain how you feel anxious about the visits being too much but you appreciate how much effort it is for her to come to you, especially with her boys, but you'd love to see her so what would work best? Maybe there's a time she could leave the children at home or you could meet up at a softplay somewhere in the middle or she can time her visit to fit with naps in the car- or whatever makes her life easier.

Soft play with 2 year olds and a newborne would be horrible. At that age you are still having to be very hands on with toddlers - accompanying them around the cage, separating them from other children, taking them to the toilet… plus they are normally pretty loud uncomfortable places to sit. A walk around some woods or a park where the toddlers can gather ‘treasures’ before going to a child-friendly cafe would be better.

You cant have it both both ways. People going out of their way to visit but only on your terms. If you arent ready for normal visiting dont have or expect visits.You had a baby, you arent ill. The baby wont know if they are there or not.
I wouldnt be driving all that way with my children to visit somebody with a timer.

My family live much further away. When they visited, they’d come to the house and then we’d all walk to the park together and their children could play and burn off energy. Then back to the house. You sound very precious about your baby. You realise some people live more than an hour from the hospital their baby was born in and have to travel home with a newborn?

No way I would imflict that journey on my small children for an hours visit.
You will see them when it suits you to travel to them.
Neither of you are wrong.

I think it’s fine for the first visit to limit it to 30-60 mins if you’ve only been home couple of days.

After that point though it’s not reasonable. 2 yr olds are restless after a long car journey and a 30 -60 min break with 75 mins either side in car is miserable for little kids.

Fair enough for your sister to say she’ll wait til you can manage longer. Especially if she’s been flexible and done this 2/3 times already with toddlers!

Its different for everyone but I’m sure when your baby is 6 weeks + it will feel easier.

You could maybe find somewhere halfway to meet that’s 40 mins for you both if not?

Congratulations on your baby!

You are massively out of order for being upset with your sister for not wanting to do another 3 hour car journey with 2 year old twins to visit you for 30 minutes.

I originally assumed you were talking about visits from neighbours or acquaintances then I read that it’s your own sister, wow! Totally PFB.

I think you are both being reasonable to be honest. It'd always better to be upfront with family. An hour is barely long enough for a wee and a drink, particualrly if children are travelling.

Be fair on the op, she’s listened and acknowledged she’s being a bit unreasonable here. Op you are, but then everyone goes a little nuts after their first. Try and relax and enjoy the chaos of baby and rampant toddlers! And make your sister welcome x

I think you've misunderstood my post.

Neither of you is being unreasonable. I entirely understand the stress and overwhelm and finding your feet with a newborn - you are fine to manage your energy when it comes to visits.

She's right it's a long way to come for an hour.

It is what it is.

Absolutely this, the 2 year olds can go nuts, you can sit with a coffee. Everyone wins

(edit, not necessarily soft play. Woods, farm, whatever. Just meet in the middle and neither of you have to have DC in the car too long)

Blimey OP your sister has twin two years olds , she also has an awful lot on her plate. You should be very grateful she has made the effort so far, YABVU to be upset she doesn't want to do this on a time limit any longer.

I think you haven’t taken toddlers to soft play recently; you don’t get to sit and chat to the person you went with.

I wouldn’t be traveling 75 minutes each way for a 1 hour allotted visit with family unless I was already doing something in the area.

It’s to be brutally honest a waste of a weekend day. Over two hours traveling for a hour visit around nap times no doubt so right in the middle of my day.

Even the first visit I’d of been hmmm but hopefully found something nice to do in the local area like a meal out and something to entertain the children but a regular thing hell no.

Remember she also has children being made to just sit in a car to visit you. They are going to be little tornadoes at their ages after being sat bored.

My suggestion is that OP talks to her sister about what would make it easier, followed by three random ideas off the top of my head followed by the words "or whatever". I'm not suggesting soft play- I'm suggesting she has a conversation.

I agree with this. Obviously you don't owe us the gory details but I wonder have you had a rough time with the birth? More difficult births do take longer to recover from but I would be considering whether you need some more support with this.

She’s brought two year old twins a 2.5 hour rounds trip to see you twice?

You should be saying “thanks very much for making the effort, I really appreciate it”.

Is there any reason you couldnt meet somewhere half way? A museum or heritage centre with a cafe for example ? Less effort for you both.

Of course it will take you time to recover from the birth and for you to find your feet as a new Mum, but if she has two year twins her life is not easier than yours.

I am your sister in this situation - I had kids first and just sort of got on with it with family as there were no other children but now siblings are having babies, I have to manage my children within their ‘rules’. I would guess that when you have a two year old, you will still be expecting them to do what works best for your child as her kids will always be older and easier and so it continues…

I think you will look back on this and feel a bit embarrassed - when I had my second baby and they were being carted around after my toddler within a few days of being born, it changed my perspective on how I had been a bit precious about my first.

Edited to add: it is very normal to be like this with your first as it is overwhelming. It is hard but try to step back a bit if you can a look at the bigger picture, your sister isn’t being inconsiderate even if it feels like she is. You should absolutely do what is best for you but remember other people have their own things to manage too.