Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

I can see it from both sides.

I completely get new mum exhaustion and I found it knackering having people round if they weren’t coming to give practical help.

I think your comparison of you going to see your sister when her kids were born is slightly unfair as it didn’t sound like you had to travel with small kids of your own at the time?

That is a long time in a day for young kids to spend in car tbh, considering journey there and back. How old are they? Is it possible for your sister to come by herself?

30 min?
Tbh an hour won't hurt you or your baby. Even a fussy baby.
I wouldn't be too keen to spend my time travelling if it's seem as an annoyance for the you.

As they say, it takes a village…
Be careful you don’t burn yours down…

I think it's a very PFB thing to do. If you think you are going to be so overwhelmed and tired that you can't manage more than 30 mins with your close family, then postpone the visit a couple of weeks.

My family lived abroad and I wouldn't have seen them at all if I had had such a limit. I felt grateful they wanted to come spend a couple of days with us and meet their new family member.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

Did she say ‘you better not overstay your allocated visiting minutes!’ though?

Yabu

It's fine to wait a while to receive visitors but if your sister is travelling all that way with young DC it's not really fair on the DC to be stuck in the car for all that time.

Maybe delay visits til after christmas

Absolutely you have the right to feel hurt, but she is also right to protect her time and energy.
If you set out rules like you have, people are within their rights to disengage.

30 minutes was for the first visit. The next two were supposed to be an hour but the last time my family came my baby was being very fussy so the family (without me telling them ) decided to leave early.

You're being overly precious. You're not the first person to have a baby. Just get on with life!

You’re allowed your boundaries and she’s allowed hers.

I have a 2 weeks old and think you’re being quite PFB about it tbh.

To be honest I am not sure it's the time itself as much as being set a firm time slot. It doesn't really come across as very welcoming. Next you'll have them purchasing tickets/ prebooking....

Do you put a timer on when they arrive?

I’m wondering more about your relationship with your sister and if there’s a back story? I loved having my sister round when my baby was a newborn and vice versa as we helped each other. Especially if either of us was stressed hormonal!

do you not feel that comfortable around her?

when my sister had been round when Dd was a newborn and I was stressing she’d have helped settle baby. If I was upset/hormonal she’d have made me a cup of tea, got me chocolate and gave me a hug.
particularly since your sister had older children and been there before you’d think she’d understand and muck in to help

Neither of you are unreasonable.

i wouldn’t be schlepping young kids that far for that short a time but I equally understand why you only want short visits.

National trust place half way?

A two and a half hour drive is a lot to feel like you are imposing. Give it a few months before inviting people over, when they can relax and not clock watch.
They have seen the baby. You can’t expect them to come over little but often, there is too much distance between you.
I lived a 100 miles away.,My sisters came for an overnight at different times.

Someone needs to say it....

You are prob sleep deprived and theres 1st time mum stress and what not but this is ridiculous behaviour and you risk damaging (presumably) close family relationships.

I have a 4 and 2 yo so its not like I dont remember those days.

You are being quitr precious and your sister isn't wrong unless you are happy having visitors for 3 hrs plus what's the point?

I think you've actually been pretty rude given the lengths (literally) she's gone to in order to visit you. If you really cant handle/ dont wamt longer visits then say youll stay in tpuch via phone and see her after Christmas or whatever

I think you need to relax your rules a bit and remain somewhat flexible. I get it, I also have a newborn and visitors who aren't lightening the load are knackering. But they will hopefully come into their own and help more when baby is older and doesn't need just constant mum attention anymore. That's the conclusion I've reached anyway. I've also been pre-agreeing tasks which visitors can help with so they can get on with that if baby needs feeding at any point in their visit - we've had them cleaning out our fridge, walking the dog, washing up etc. That way they stay longer overall and everyone is happy!

In your OP you said they left because you were stressed, how did they leave without telling you?

Why this fuss about 30-60 minutes? It's just a baby. Relax.

I think you need to try and see this from your sister's perspective. She being completely reasonable. She's respected your wishes and she's visited three times already. She's well within her rights to say that travelling over an hour with her own children to see you for an hour or less is too much to do regularly. Of course it is.

I think this is one of those things that you'll look back on in a year or so and realise how mad it was!! There are some great threads on here about mad things people did with their first baby, you should look them up for a laugh, solidarity and a bit of perspective!

The thing is, she had small children, which you didn’t when she had hers.

So an hour’s visit really isn’t very much when you’re driving for over and hour each way.

I do think it’s a bit unfair to expect your sister to do this more than once or twice - you have to think about her situation with small children too.

So whilst you’re fine to say you can’t cope with visits of over an hour, if that’s what you want, they are fine to say they are unable to come on that basis.

I really don’t see why family would have to leave because baby was fussy though.

Op your family have been super accommodating, you need to lighten up or they'll do exactly as your sister has done, step back.

You’ve set your boundaries and your sister is setting hers. She doesn’t want to spend two and a half hours in the car with her family to only spend 30/40 minutes with your family. I think she’s being perfectly reasonable.

If I were your family, I'd be offended.

From the outset, you're telling them that you expect them to be a burden and overstay their welcome, hence the need to impose a time limit.

Very gently YABU. If you are going to limit people to timed visits then you have to understand that they may then choose not to visit. You need to decide what is more important to you, them visiting or your arbitrary timings.

Do you literally time the visit? That’s a bit weird, and I think it would make a visitor feel very unwelcome. It’s not surprising she has decided to wait until you are feeling less anxious.