Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

Your baby will be absolutely fine for 75 mins in the car seat.

I think you going to them is the perfect solution. Time it with the baby’s nap times and you can leave whenever you like.

It is probably far easier for you to travel to your sister’s than the other way around as babies are so portable and don’t require any entertaining!

Pretty much this.

If you can only cope with short visits and she lives a drive away, her having young DC of her own means it's not going to work at the moment. Once you feel able for a longer stay she can come and see you again. As others have said, it's completely different to when you went to see her because you didn't have kids in tow yourself. Dsis is doing what sounds like the best thing in the circumstances.

Even if it was the sweet baby Jesus I wouldn’t drive 75 minutes only to be booted out an hour later.

Did your sister limit how much time you got to spend with her babies?

Op will come back in a year complaining her family aren't supportive and interested in her child. Can you imagine the xmas logistics histeria...

Ok seems I am being unreasonable.

We just wanted to manage expectations and make sure there is plenty of time for resting etc. Also I love them lots but my nephews are 2 & very active & noisy and it’s exhausting enough just watching them !! But perhaps we need to rethink meetings moving forwards

If you're going to limit visits like that of course people aren't going to come and see you. Remember you didn't have children when she had her babies. 75 minutes is a long drive with little kids.

Allowing plenty of time for rest, I mean come on!

It's fine for you to manage your expectations but also fine for her to manage hers.
You say your nephews are boisterous, so even more reason for her not to want to travel so far for a non event.
Why not look for a soft play venue between your two homes?

When your child is 3 and they are 5 and 7 I'd be surprised if you dont massively regret causing alienation between your child and extended family.

You cannot have enough people to love your child.

Unless your sister is toxic or whatever you need to take a long hard look at your actions.

In a few years your PFB is just like their cousins and you will be happy to go to the zoo for a day out with your sister.

Put baby in the pram and take the cousins out for a run or the park.
It's not that hard.

Invite your sister and children for lunch. It doesn't have to be fancy but could be nice for all of you and you have them occupied.

At the moment you get more rest than your sister is driving 2.5 hours to visit you. She is the one doing the hard work. I understand why she sets her boundries.

Hang on, are you saying she has 2 year old twin boys???

If that’s the case then it’s remarkable that she’s even done 2 short visits involving long drives. She’s a better sister than I would be!

I can't imagine giving someone a task to get on with like cleaning out the fridge whilst the baby is being fed. OP, if it's too much for you its too much and that's fine, but it's also fine that it's too much for your sister to bring her children for such short visits. Either accept she'll be there for longer (and will remember the newborn days so she won't mind the chaos) or understand she'll be there when she is welcome to stay for longer.

So imagine how exhausting it is to herd them into the car, adjudicate squabbles, drive for an hour and half, try to keep them in check for 30 minutes then, after freezing your arse off in a park for half an hour, take the reverse journey, all the while trying to fit around mealtimes, naps, and your own tiredness.

Were you given a time slot with your Dsis when she had her kids? Remember that taking a journey yourself, and doing it with two energetic toddlers (possibly after broken sleep and a ludicrously early start) are two completely different undertakings.

I'll be gentle with you as you've just had a baby, but kindly, you're being really OTT. Let me assure you that not everything in your child's life will follow the guidelines you have read about. It just doesn't work like that.

And this is your sister - not some random. Trust me, you will both need each other in years to come. Don't spoil it now with arbitrary rules you have decided to impose.

Congrats on the baby. This fog will lift, promise.

It's worth bearing in mind that your tiny baby will very soon be an energetic 2 year old. People with small children/ babies seem to forget that one day soon they will have the 2/ 4/ 7/ 9/13 year old they are complaining about for just being how kids are that age. I know it feels very far off for your now, and you are just in your baby bubble, but it's worth keeping in mind that it doesn't last forever and a little tolerance - espeically for those closest to you - is important even when all you have on your radar is your baby.

These visits have to make sense for both you and your sister's families. When your baby is 2 you will be really embarrassed about the way you're feeling now and hopefully your sister will have the good grace not to rub it in your face too much.

THEY ARE TWO YEAR OLDS?! You’re exhausted? Imagine how exhausting it is packing them up and taking 2.5 hour round trips with them?!

Honestly, the more you post, the more unreasonable you are. Your poor sister!

I wouldn’t be coming to visit.

If the kids were 5 or 6, you'd still be unreasonable but a bit less so. Now you've revealed they're 2, you're incredibly unreasonable and I'm actually surprised your sister has visited at all! Driving 2.5 hour round trip with twin 2 year olds for an hour or less visit isn't something I'd have been willing to do more than once!

Oh you’re in for a shock. All this ‘resting’ you seem to think you need ain’t nothing for what your poor sister needs (speaking as a mum to a 5 and 3 year old). Let me also guess, you have a little girl, and those boisterous nephews of yours are unlikely to ever be welcome around your delicate sweet daughter? I have no living blood family and had my first born during Covid, so being this ungrateful about having a loving sister wanting to be in yours and your new baby’s life is pretty grating. You’re not only being unreasonable, but spoilt and entitled with it

YABU. Your new baby doesn't trump your nephews, everyone is important. Two year olds are super exhausting too, I think my SILs now gets less sleep than she did when her DD was a baby. It's starting to get cold outside, the kids will need feeding etc....your poor sister.

Christ I’m glad you’re not my sister. I just handed mine the baby and went for a sleep.

Come back on here in 2 years op and tell us all about how no one in your family knows or cares enough about your precious baby girl to offer baby sitting due to you doing this

OP, how are you feeling generally? It sounds like you might be a little overwhelmed - needing to set such short limits on visits from close family implies to me you may be struggling/finding things difficult? Rather than that you are being deliberately awkward!

Same with how upset you feel at your sister's response - I highly doubt you are deliberately choosing to over react - do you feel generally very sensitive at the moment? Are you crying more than usual?

It's natural to be sleep deprived and somewhat emotional, but obviously there can comes a point when emotional struggles go beyond what is "normal" for a new mom - and then she may need some additional help/support from her GP.

Maybe ask your partner whether they think you seen different, more fragile, than usual? It might be worth keeping a mood journal too - how often you cry each day, do you feel sad more often than happy etc.

And talk to your HV or GP, even if you think it's possible that there could be more going on here .......

Good luck, OP. And if you explain to your family that you are struggling at the moment, I am sure they will understand. There is a big difference between someone imposing a time limit on visits just to prove a point or as some kind of weird baby flex, and somebody doing it because she is genuinely struggling. I strongly suspect you are the latter .....

op I am your sister in this situation. similar in my family new born baby wasn't allowed visit at 1st then when was allowed wasn't exactly told Time limits but after half an hour or so got hinted to go. one time when baby was a few months old my sis visted with her kids and wasn't let in to the house as baby was sleeping and noise would wake her. they stood outside talking to her and after 10 mins of this she loaded kids in car and went. this carry on went for months. so you know what now we don't bother. birthday cards are posted and will do same at Xmas don't make an effort what I buy voucher will do. now we don't live as far away as your sis I about 15 mins and other sis about half an hour. but after offers to babysit meet for lunch dinner call in for cake etc were all said no or came with a load of restrictions we just don't offer or ask any more. what has happened is don't have a part in their cousins lives don't come for days out etc 2nd baby born a few months ago and similar again. so I just dropped up a present last month and left after half an hour. in hindsight should have really posted it but thought second would be different but not really
understand your 1st baby early moths are tough but let your sis come longer let her help be a sounding board her kids build a relationship with yours.

Does your sister have twin two year olds? If so- bloody hell you should be making sure the visits revolve around what’s easier for her. No wonder she doesn’t want to visit until she can do it for longer.

Honestly it would be easier for you to make the journey and leave when you’ve had enough. You can always stop for a break if worried about the car seat (although many people live more than an hour from the hospital so need to do that amount loads in the first few weeks).

I would contact your sister and apologise.