Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

I get how you feel OP but in that case I think you’re best waiting a few weeks/months. I expect you’re tired and find socialising a lot.

I’ve been on the receiving end of this and it hurts. It’s tiring getting the kids somewhere only to find you’re not really welcome. By the time you’re in and had a cuppa it’s time to go again.

just remember that soon you’ll be the one with the tiring toddler that people might moan about.

absolutely ok to have your boundaries but she has hers.

someone suggested meeting half way. Maybe a soft plan cafe so her kids can play and you can catch up with a coffee??

How old is your baby?

I don't know what you mean by a 'fussy' baby?

Maybe your family can come without bringing young children, and muck in to do some chores for you, prepare a meal, or keep an eye on the baby while you have a shower, or wash your hair?

The thing is as well that if you make people feel unwelcome and as though they are an inconvenience to you, they aren't going to want to keep coming round.

Exactly that. In setting timings before you even knew how it would go, you sent a clear signal that their presence will be an inconvenience to you. And absolutely no-one wants to feel that their host would rather they weren't there.

I really wouldn't have the nerve to tell someone travelling for 2.5 hours with small kids, that they could only stay for half an hour/an hour. In fact I wouldn't tell anyone without kids that after all that driving they were only worth 30/60 minutes of my time.

I think your sister is absolutely spot on with her thinking.
Two and a half hours spent in the car with 2 year old twins for a 30min- 1 hour visit. Hell no.
You could always visit her instead, which would probably work out better. You just leave when you want and she hasn't had to make that journey with two toddlers, for such a pointlessly short visit. It's barely time for a cuppa and piece of cake.

On the face of it you are being a bit unreasonable OP. Unless your sister has some unreasonable behaviours that you haven’t mentioned. 3 hours in the car for a 30 minute visit!

Honestly, I'd message her and say "sorry, I've thought about this again and realise that I've been being a bit precious. I really appreciate you making the journey with your little ones, and you're very welcome to stay for as long as you like. It's taking me time to get to grips with newborn baby wrangling, so just excuse me if I'm occasionally in a bit of a flap!"

How frequent are these visits? She has come to meet the baby. It’s not unusual to now give you some time to get settled until you are ready for longer visits.

If I was your sister, when you one day ask for babysitting favours I’d be replying “yes - I’ll come for 30 mins but will set a timer so I don’t get overwhelmed”.

It's a bit weird to, on the one hand, get in touch and ask when she's coming back, and on the other say she can't stay longer than thirty minutes!

what's the fussiness of the baby got to do with the length of visit?

Lucky you didn’t have triplets 🤭

Give visitors jobs to do, like washing up, emptying bins, making cups of tea, arranging biscuits on a plate.
A baby is a person, small, yes, but that doesn’t make it a toy/ peice of equipment to be played with.
You get on with your & your baby’s ‘jobs’, never allow others to interfere in any shape or form, unless you are overseeing.

I'd love to hear the sisters side of this.

Also if the OP has a second baby in a couple of years I wonder if she'll schedule in daily half hour appointments with her toddler if that's the most she can manage.

Your sister has two small children, it's not remotely practical for her to regularly do rhat journey to come and support you for limited amounts of time, in fact with two small people in tow there is a limit to how much support she can give you anyway.

Have you had a c section? If not, do you drive? Could you meet her halfway? When you say not long had a baby is it days, weeks, months?

If you need to be this strict because you find it overwhelming (which is fine, everyone is different), then I would stop visits until you feel more able. I would not be disgruntled at your sister over this – that is a long way to travel. When you visited her, you did not have to bring multiple young children. It's very different. You seem to want her to be accommodating for you and your child and you're not extending the same grace to her and her children. You have your limits and so does she.

It’s your baby and your house but it doesn’t mean others have to fit into what you want, especially for close family like your sister who has to find a park to take her children too. When you visited her you weren’t taking children with you. Careful not to burn your bridges with help and remember your baby is only interesting to you, others will soon think it’s not worth the hassle.

You are being overly ‘precious’ about yourself and your baby. Hopefully your family and friends will not dump you.

You’ve told her what you can manage and she’s told you that’s not really possible for her due to her own family commitments.
I think the big rejection feelings or however you’d put it might be made worse by hormones.
Nobody is being unreasonable here, it’s a shame but hopefully you’ll feel slightly better able to have longer visits / be able to travel soon.

It sounds controlling of you. Your family love you and want to see you and limiting them feels a bit ungrateful. If you think you're likely to feel overwhelmed let them know that and use your boundaries to make sure you're not waiting on your guests but I don't think it'd do the baby any harm to have these visits.

And Congratulations! x

People are being mean. I think you're just overwhelmed and exhausted & it's all too much. You don't have to entertain yet. Just hunker down and ride out the early few weeks. Once you're feeling more yourself you can come up for air and have people round. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. You will see your sister again too, just give it time.

😂😂😂

It’s a bit precious tbh I think.
Just accept visits and don’t put yourself out for people. They can make themselves a coffee and you can just sit on the sofa! I can’t see why a few visits is ‘overwhelming’ - unless it’s literally 30 visits or something daft but I doubt it- and you still have huge amounts of time to ‘adjust to being a family of three’

You really need to lighten up here. Limiting visiting times!😳. You are not the only person that’s had a baby, if you don’t cop onto yourself you’re going the right way to not have visitors, it sounds as if you’d prefer that. I do wonder how your sister felt being told of your visiting rules.

As others have said, one day you might need your ‘village’….don’t be surprised if they no longer want to know.

I think 30 minutes was quite rude tbh. An hour is reasonable in the first couple of weeks, but not much longer than that.

If you have people travelling an hour away, especially with children, you need to be a bit more hospitable (or limit visits until you're more ready for them). I'd feel really unwelcome in her position. How did she treat you when you visited her as a new mum?

You're both right, IMO. I remember those days as a first-time mum and it was tough! Things were definitely easier with the second. Your sister isn't wrong though, and maybe she thinks she is helping you out by reducing the pressure on you.