Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

Parents of newborns are always a bit self absorbed but it takes something special to think having visitors for more than half an hour with a tiny baby, who doesn't "do" anything is more difficult that travelling with 2yo twins!

“Manage expectations” 😂😂😂 are you for real? You are being very precious.

That's exactly what her sister has suggested doing, and OP is upset by it.

Wait am I understanding this correctly? You expect your sister to travel an hour and a half with her 2 year olds.... for half an hour with your baby?!...... Oh my sweet Summer child 🤣 Please come back in 2 years and tell us whether you'd be willing to do this with your child. You have a lot to learn and I'd honestly start learning fast or you will definitely burn your bridges

Of course you're being unreasonable.

Maybe the first visit is was ok to say you can't accommodate visitors for long but after that, if you want visitors you need to be a bit more flexible and appreciate your sister for example has a long journey with children.

Another day, another baby used as a mechanism to exert some control.

30 minutes...it's your sister, not a vague acquaintance or work colleague. Why can't she just hang out for a few hours? Surely if it's your sister she should be helping you, making you lunch, bringing cups of tea, sticking a wash on for you. Do you feel you have to host her?

This sister has already made this journey, with her 2yos three times, so can this baby even be considered newborn still? Sister needs a medal if she's e.g. done it three times in three weeks.

How old is your baby? At 6 weeks they can be in a car seat for 2 hours.

I'd be driving over to see them TBH then you can control the visits.

I do think you need to chill out a bit. My line of work brings me into contact with babies and parents from 4 months and I have to say that the babies who seem to fair better are the ones with chilled parents building resilience in their DC.

I never know if these are real. I just read one about a new mum who gives a list of chores to visitors, and I thought someone was having a laugh, then I read this and now I'm unsure.
Everyone I know was very grateful to have family who wanted to visit and welcomed them fully. I get that if her kids were being a problem, that could be an issue, but I don't know anyone who put random time limits on visitors. On the postnatal ward, you have to put up with everyone having hundreds of people near your bed, and they're strangers!

I wouldn't make the effort to visit you with those conditions.

Out of curiosity what happened when your sister had kids, did you only visit for 30 minutes?

This is absolutely ridiculous!!! Your sister is completely right! You are being far too precious- are you coping ok?

I think in a couple of years time you'll look back and realise you were probably being a bit precious, I wouldn't be too keen to have my two year olds in the car for that length of time for only a short visit either, when you have a toddler you'll understand where she's coming from.
she's clearly wanting to be there to support you in these early days or she wouldn't have already been making the journey, a fussy baby isn't a reason to send people packing, everyone who's been there understands and surely don't expect you to wait on them hand and foot with a newborn? it's good for baby to be able to bond with other family members and kindly op I think you need to chill out a bit.

You do know your baby will also be 2 and boisterous at some point in the future, right?

face palm

I wouldn’t bother visiting you either. Not worth the journey.

So your sister has spent 7.5 hours travelling for a total of 2 hours 10 minutes of seeing your baby so far?

And she has two toddlers that she has to put in the car for this?

Seems far too rigid an approach and if there have been three visits to date your baby is presumably not in the very early weeks after birth. With family, if I was really tired, I go upstairs with baby for a rest and just say "Help yourself to a cuppa and put the TV on for the kids if you want; see you in a hour."

FGS OP. You’re not the only one to have a baby or young child. Your poor sister been bending over backwards and don’t blame her saying enough is enough. Since when did everyone become so precious?? I’d be saying sod that I’ll see you when they’re 18.

Yup… not to mention the keeping them entertained, getting them ready etc all so OP can dictate very princess like that she and baby are number one priority and not over tired or stimulated. Just over the top and me me me imho. Sometimes two toddlers can be harder work than one fussy newborn. OP you need to buckle up and realise, and mean this in nicest possible way, that life does not just revolve around you.

In the blink of an eye you’re going to be dealing with an active noisy and restless 2 year old. Stop being precious! You’re not the first nor the last to have a baby and you’re going to burn bridges with the way you’re acting. If I was your sister I’d quite frankly tell you where to go! & I’ve had five kids so experienced in the new mum stage, hormones and tiredness. Be grateful for interested family and stop being such a princess. Yes, YABVU!

how old is the baby that was born 'not long ago'. Are you taking 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months? If the baby is only a few days old I would understand but I recon it's more weeks or even months? It's not very normal behaviour and quite extreme. You talk about overwhelm. Could you struggle with post partum depression? Have you spoken to your midwife or GP?

How old is your baby now? I'm all in favour of recovery and taking it easy after birth but there comes a point when you need to consider that other people have needs and difficulties as well. Can you compromise with your sister? It's difficult to give advice not knowing what stage you are at as I wouldn't expect you to be out and about with a baby who is a few days old, especially if you've had a difficult birth. I was fortunate I had an easy birth with my first as we didn't have a car then so we had to walk or get the bus everywhere.

I think if you are still at the stage when you aren't going out and about yet then maybe stick to phone/video calls with your sister for now. When you are ready to get out more, you could arrange to meet up with her half way at an attraction your nephews will enjoy.

Surely if baby gets fussy, you can suggest popping out for a walk, or head upstairs to settle baby and then resume conversation when baby is settled again. I’m sure your sister can make her own cup of tea and pop the telly on for the kids. Are you close? She’s got kids who are 2 so she remembers these days. Perhaps she might even hold a fussy baby for you for a minute while you get 5 mins to calm yourself. They are coming because they love you. Unless they are useless guests (want waiting on hand and foot or snatching baby away from you) I’m not sure why it’s so stressful to have them over for the afternoon.