Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

Goodness, all this sounds like hard work to visit you. . But, if you really can't cope with any more, then you do you. 🤷‍♀️

Oh jeez I’ve just seen that she has twin two year olds. Why not ask her over and say you can all walk to the park together, the kids can run around and tire themselves out, baby gets fresh air in the pram and then head back to yours for a cuppa and cake and the kids can have a bit of tv time or whatever after they have burnt off some energy.
I imagine it is stressful for her to bring them over as she will be so painfully aware of them being full of beans and bored.

I think you are being overly precious - your sister wants to see you and you to see her and her kids.

When you made the effort for your sister when she had her babies you didn't have two little kids in tow and I suspect that you weren't giving a time limit to when you had to go home. The round trip with two kids will be difficult for her.

Congrats on your new baby.

You don't want to hear this right now, but parenting in the early years gets progressively harder.

You think you have it hard now, and we all did at that newborn stage with our first, but 99% of parents look back and think "fuck that was easy". Your sister has 2 year old TWINS. She 100% has it harder than you right now. And yet she is making plenty of effort to see you.

Bless you, it all feels a lot with the first one. By the second you won’t care and will be ready to hand it over to anyone willing to hold it for five minutes

Better not to overthink really. Just go with the flow and meetings/visits might be much better.

I don't think I'd be keen to travel for 75 mins to visit someone for an hour, particularly if I was getting vibes that they wanted to limit their time with me. Her suggestion that you leave it until you're ready for a longer visit sounds reasonable. However, nothing wrong per se with agreeing the duration of a visit in advance if you're worried about it being too open ended.

Oh OP, one day you are going to look back.on this and cringe.
When that happens tell your sister so you can both have a good laugh over the PFBness.

Your sister has twins. She still made the effort to bring them on a long car trip just to see you and sounds like she cheefully put up with your very unreasonable controlling rules for the first few trips. She probably thought you'd relax a bit after the first few visits. Now she's discovered you're still carrying on this controlling behaviour she's had enough and I don't blame her.
Yes, 2 year olds are hard work to have around. Take a minute to look at the reality of this. She has 2 year old twins all the time. They are only visiting you. You think your life is hard now, think again, when your little one is 2 you'll find out just how much harder that can be. And, I repeat, she has twins.
As a new parent, why not take a look at someone who is successfully juggling the nearly impossible and get their help and support. she's your sister. She's already shown she's willing to make a huge effort for your benefit. Why not give a little.

You're being much too prescriptive and your sister is likely to have her hands much fuller than yours. If you don't want visitors just say so.

You are a new mother and probably exhausted so yes you are feeling overwhelmed but its a long journey for your sister with small kids. You'll be in the same position at some point. It's a task alone to get kids into a car, never mind the journey and then back into the car. Her kids when she gets back are probably crankt, hungry and over tired. I've an 18 month old and a 6 month old. Lately I only meet friends on weekends when dh is off work because no way am I bringing them with me. I hope you dont fall out with her. Its important to have the support on maternity leave. I didn't have any family support and still dont and I've been given birth three times [my twins passed.] Dont burn your village. Your sister obviously cares

Gently, you’re being ridiculous. I’ve had three children with DH’s family and my DSis living far away. I think it’s massively unreasonable to limit people to such a short amount of time when they have to travel to get to you.

I would lay out expectations with your partner that you will need to rest and not be “hosting” and maybe tell guests you may need to disappear to settle the baby if needs be.

Just don't have visitors until you can cope with a normal visit.

Though honestly, unless your sister is appalling, what is it that makes you think you "can't cope" with more than half an hour? And, if she is that bad, why do you want her to come at all?

I agree with your sister your being precious. Plenty of people cope with having visitors come from a distance for the day.
How controlling and unfriendly of you. Be glad you've got people that want to see you and your baby.
Treat them properly and they will be around for you

Could you invite them for lunch (ask them to bring lunch perhaps or just get a big cook lasagna and pre-made pudding and buy a bagged salad!), have a lovely lunch, suggest BIL takes kids to local park to wear them out for an hour while sister has a cuddle with the baby and then back for a cup of tea, stick tv on for toddlers. Easily 3-4 hours of lovely family time.
Its hard with your first baby and of course your tired but you’ll probably have a lovely day. And if it’s 10-2ish you can tag team an afternoon nap when you’ve only got one baby!

Why not visit her at her house? This sounds easier for everyone and you can go home when you’ve had enough.

I wouldn’t travel over an hour to see someone for just over 30-40 mins. I’d stay at home too till the time limit was gone. I mean fair enough if you want that but her choice is that.

you chose your limit she chose hers.

You do know you have the option to stop the car and break the journey.

Fair enough they've tried to come to you but a park in November is hardly a reliable option for her to entertain her own kids before putting them back in the car - and im sure they aren't a doddle on a long journey.

What's the reason you can't have her round longer? Are you following a very strict routine? Most babies don't require total silence to sleep and your sister will be immune to a bit of newborn crying with two of her own.

Are you finding it tough in general?

It’s 2 hours. But all that means is to take them out for a little break. Doesn’t meant 2 hours and end of

i took my very premature baby just out of the NICU in a journey that was 6 hours. We just stopped a lot on the way and it was fine.

I didn’t even see my baby for the entire party! My family all took turns and having had a baby in the NICU I adored being able to show her off

Christ. Just seen the update about 2 year old twins.

Putting a time limit on visits makes people feel unwelcome.

Overwhelming for your baby? More like you you mean.

You're being reasonable for your current baby situation. But equally you will probably find that you have fewer visitors than you would normally have done had you not moved away, and it may affect those relationships going forward. I wouldn't spend two and half hours driving with my own kids to spend half an hour with yours more than once a year. That's the price you pay for making the decision you've made. Only you will know if it was worth it.

@Neverendingsummer26 you'll be cringing at your rules when you look back in a few years.
Your family are really sweet to go along with this madness, be thankful for how kind they are.