Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

Totally agree with this100%

Your rules sound a bit crazy OP. I think your sister may have sounded more pissed off than was kind, but I do understand her sentiment.

Maybe leave the visits til you are able to relax more.

My family are abroad so frankly it was a bit of a pile on when they arrived and I just went with it, because it's part of the memories.

First visits 30 mins then 1 hour visits , managing expectations and rethinking meetings going forward . Your words . My god, you sound like a workshop manager . Your poor sister. I agree with her .

I do think you are being unreasonable, but so are some of the unkind comments here. Hope you are okay OP 💐 and can reach out for help if you think you might have postnatal anxiety/ depression

Why don't you visit your sister?

Do you not like your sister?

It all sounds a bit precious. You have to limit the first visit to 30 minutes to adjust to a family of 3? I'm not sure that makes a difference. I would be quite offended by putting official time limits on, you should be pleased you have people who are wanting to come see you. Even if they stay a couple hours, does it really matter? I would go with the flow, an hour might feel enough and then you can express if you're tired or want to put baby down for a nap etc. rather than it feeling like your guests are on a timer. Honestly I'd be put off by this that I wouldn't bother either.

She has twin two years old boys? Lordy, she’s a saint for even entertaining your demands.

I think you need to really manage your expectations of other people.

The first couple of weeks yes but it must be longer than that by now?
I don’t think your sister is trying to be unkind, she is just doing what’s best for her family too. Taking her children on an hour car journey there and back definitely won’t be fun.
She’s just saying wait until you’re ready for a longer visit not that you have to let them stay longer.
I’d also question why you’re stressed about? Your sister has children so knows babies cry and fuss. If you need a break take the baby upstairs for a while. Tell guests to help themselves to drinks etc. Ask them to watch the baby while you shower or hang some washing out for you or whatever. They’re close family, you don’t have to stand on ceremony or be perfect.
Also having visitors won’t harm your baby in the slightest, this is about you.

I can't believe some of the posts I read in here!

YABU

When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

Did she give you a time limit?

I would consider it important to meet my DN,

However I wouldnt repeatedly drive my 2 LOs 2.5hrs for 40mins with a tiny baby. I think it screams PFB and while I understand you may feel you need space and are exhausted, I wouldnt exhaust and frustrate my own children going that far for so little time. Especially as its now Nov and the park might be cold/wet/muddy/stormy. DSis has made it clear she will visit when you have more time. I think shes reasonable

Your sister has two year old toddlers and it’s a 2.5 hour round trip. You’ve got one baby. Sounds like she need the rest more than you!

Your sister has 2 year olds!! Has it occurred to you she might need her rest too? Expecting them to drive 2.5 hours to see you for 30-60 mins is very thoughtless/ inconsiderate.

As someone who currently has a newborn, and also has older children. I’d say the sister has a much harder life than you at the moment so you should be doing whatever suits her most. I find babies to be the easiest phase - they don’t have opinions and as long as they’re fed, clean and carried they’re generally happy. Two year olds however are a totally different beast and she has two! I’d be finding a zoo or a farm that’s halfway between the two of you and planning to meet her there

OP your making it sound like you have had baby jesus.

In a few years from now you will wonder why no one cares to have any bond with your child ive seen it before.
Some threads i read on here make me think how bad some times have changed.

Why dont you just send a photo out on whatsapp and save everyone from playing with your silly rules.

Come on everyone, time to stop piling on OP. She’s accepted the YABU verdict.
Also consider being kinder to a first time mum - we all have different experiences.

Me neither fuck that.

We need to rethink meetings.

Op I'll rephrase that for you.
YOU need to rethink visits.

I'm not surprised your sister has said no more. That's a lot of time in the car for anyone for such a short visit never mind, her two little boys, who of course are going to be wound up wee bundles of energy.

I think you need to make some effort to take your baby to them.

I swear that pregnant women and new mothers are being advised pretty badly these days. I don't know if it's by professionals or by social media, but instead of being given confidence, they're being made to feel as though they're made of glass and everyone around them should be handling them with enormous care in care they break.

It doesn't take a lot of effort to think about mothers of old, and mothers in other countries and cultures, and recognise how they go about those first few months. And it's really not like this. If anything they're surrounded by family, not fending them off while they "adjust to bring a family of three" or are resting like a young Victorian lady reclining on a chaise longue dabbing her cheeks with a hanky.

I'm trying not to blame this subset if today's new mothers themselves. Like every generation they're looking for advice. I just think the 'keep your family away and centre yourself in every way for months" kind of advice is counter-productive.

Brilliantly said .

Your sister has visited 3 times already - how old is baby 3 days 3 weeks or older as you refer to baby as new born...

God only knows where this kind of stuff is coming from.
Its wild.

It’s social media. It’s absolutely rampant on insta and TikTok to keep family away so
you be in a ‘new born bubble’ but they’re the same people who complain they have no friends when their kid is 2/3 and their family keep them at arms length because there are only so many times you can ask people who’ve driven over to see your baby especially after 30 mins etc

see also new mums who give the visitors cleaning to do / demand a meal being brought for the new family of 3.