Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

Can't you take the baby to the park as well? You don't have to sit inside with visitors, you aren't Lady Grantham.
Or you could take the baby to see them so the kids can come and go, less pressure on you. Nice to get out and about and bonus minutes listening to the radio while the baby sleeps in the car.

My parents came two days after I was discharged from hospital, 1 hour drive to me and the same for them to get home again. They stayed for a couple of hours and made them selves useful by bringing lunch and in any case I was so pleased to see my mum. My sister who was single and had no children came a stayed for a few days wnen my baby was about 6 weeks and it was such a help and support having her there. There will always be the odd inconsiderate relative or friend who doesn't think about the needs of the parents and the new baby but generally people are considerate and want to do the right thing. i only had one set of friends who seemed to be clueless about when to leave and we had to ask them to leave.

When you have a newborn (and haven't had children before) it's easy to underestimate the needs of older children. I imagine your sister would be fine with the short visits if she wasn't coming with her children, and you don't seem to have considered her children at all.

It's very odd to set time limits for people. Why not just have a normal open conversation, explain what your concerns are and ask her what would work for her, then you can find a way for her to visit you that works for you both?

Let the baby have half an hour with them and then put them down for a sleep somewhere quiet or go off and feed them if you need to. People visiting for longer than an hour doesn't have to mean the baby being overwhelmed.

I would have visited once with small children. Your baby is way easier than kids, who need to be run off to go to sleep. If that was my dd, she would have napped in the car, then been a nightmare to get to bed at a reasonable time. No way would I drive almost 3 hours for a one hour visit and then have my children squabbling and up until 11pm. That sound exhausting.

i can see both sides of this.
I can understand your reasons for wanting family to visit for short periods of time. I can understand family with children may not want to do a 2 and a half hour round trip for a 30 minute visit.
You sound quite anxious and stressed perhaps its better to wait until you feel up to longer visits as your family have to travel quite a long distance. Im sure you will see this point of view when your baby is a bit older and you were asked to make a 2.5 hr round trip for a 30 min visit....

Did she impose similar restrictions s when her kids were babies? If so, i think she's being a bit "double standards" assuming you both live a similar distance apart now. I do think you are probably making it more stressful than it needs to be though by fretting about visit length.

I think we all know OP won’t be doing that journey to visit her sister when it would mean she was the one driving two young kids.

Have you taken your baby to see your sister at her house?

This.

Sorry but I agree with others it's a long way to travel to see someone if the visit is only 30mins- 1 hour long. You say last time your sister mentioned going to a playground, but this time of year it's cold and may be wet so travelling 2.5hours to go to a park is not going to be a fun day out.

Is there somewhere you could meet half way between you?

I can see it from her side, she came to visit you (with dc young enough to be taken to the park) came a second time but now you aren’t just back from the hospital, shes juggling things too - travelling for longer than the allowed visit time isn’t fair.

Newborn aren’t supposed to be in their car seats for more than an hour I don’t think so no I haven’t yet.

I’m with your sister

When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

Did she place time restrictions on your visits?

Your child can travel 1.5-2 hours in a car seat. Or you stop for a break. It's not an issue.

I think her honesty is better than turning up and faking an excuse to leave after around an hour.

When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

She is making the effort to come and see you and you treat her like an Evri driver with a delivery slot.

Limiting visits? What, are you operating it like a theme park? Sorry, sounds ridiculous. I wouldn't come even if I was your sister. You know, a baby is born also to an extended family, not just to you. It's own person and so on. Your sister has to drive three hours, with her kids, get an hour with your highness and then entertain her own two young ones in a park. A saint that sister is.

You’re expecting your sister and her children to spend 2.5 hours in a car each visit, to spend far less time than that with you and your baby. Why do you think that’s reasonable?

She, very kindly, has done this twice without complaint. And, now - again kindly and reasonably - has said she will wait till you’re up for longer visits.

And you're upset? YABVVU.

Yabu. It's a baby not a bomb. If you had other children you be grateful for adult company. Certainly can see why your sister doesn't want to drag her children for that length of time compared to the time spent traveling. Maybe you both travel and meet half way.

How old is your baby? If it's more than 4weeks, say, then I think you're being ridiculous, and will damage your relationship with your sister.

You have NOTHING to feel hurt about. Your sister has been utterly accommodating to your requests. And she is STILL being accommodating by saying she'll wait until you are up for longer visits - she is bending over backwards to avoid putting pressure on you.

I obviously haven’t put an actual timer on or kicked anyone else out after the exact time is up but just trying to manage expectations

If and when you have a second i am sure as hell you will be expecting family to come and look after child no1. You won't be limiting time then will you?

Have you given any thought to the logistics involved for your sister's children when making the journey?