Limiting length of visits to see baby despite journey time

[Neverendingsummer26]

Am I being unreasonable to limit how long people visit my baby even if they have travelled over an hour to see us?

I moved away from the town where I grew up about 5 years ago and I now live about 75 mins car journey away from my family now.

I’ve not long had a baby and we told everyone prior to coming that we were limiting visits to 30 minutes so it didn’t get too overwhelming for me / the baby and also because we want to adjust to being a family of 3 as well. No one had any objections and my sister said she had found a local park that she was taking her children to after so they weren’t getting straight back in the car.

The next time they all came we upped the visit to an hour and then the last time they visited it was also supposed to be an hour but my baby was quite fussy and I was getting a bit stressed so they left after probably about 40 minutes.

Anyway I’ve just messaged my sister about finding a date to come around again and she’s messaged back essentially saying that an hour’s visit isn’t enough given the journey time and until I’m ready for longer visits, she won’t be coming to see us again.

I know some of this will be the hormones but I just feel really upset by her message. When she had her babies I always made the effort to go to see her.

I remember BIL and SIL visiting. I went upstairs to feed baby, we both fell asleep, and they were gone when I woke up. No need to stay with visitors and parade the baby.

The problem is this is not just about you, your DSis and your dc; there are other children involved. It is a long way to take other young children repeatedly. And it is hard to have young children visitors when you have a newborn. And the adults accompanying young children won’t be able to provide much practical support as they have the young children to look after. It does seem sensible to me to leave it a few weeks until you feel more comfortable, then drive to meet her half an hour or so nearer her house at a park and cafe. Wrap your baby up well and pop her in a pram while her dc burn off energy then retire to the cafe for lunch/feed baby.

Could she do 2 visits in a day? Visit you, go to the park, pop to the shops to get lunch, come back and prep lunch for all, eat and then leave? You need to find a way not to be so uptight and welcome your village.

also, if you visited her without kids… it’s not the same. As you’re finding out now, having a child is pretty intense, travelling with young kids is hard work and she’s trying her best.

I’m interested to know how old your baby is now, @Neverendingsummer26 ?
Not long since could be several weeks or even months. I would carefully consider things from her point of view and what you want your relationship to look like going forward.

Maybe she had a bad journey down with her young children, barely got to spend any time together and found you so stressed she decided to leave and then had a long and possibly stressful trip home?

It would be easy to understand why she might not want to repeat that.

You need to lighten up or accept that you won’t have many visitors.

I think neither of you are being unreasonable and I think I’d be the same as your sister as it’s the third visit to say that I’ll come with the kids once you’re up for longer visits.

I’m not sure how old her kids are but I’ve got a 4 year old and baby and I wouldn’t do 75mins in a car regularly to visit for 30-40 mins.

Why do you get to set boundaries, but then get upset when she does the same?

We personally only did short visit on the first time people met baby

Congratulations on the baby x

I would say no to spend a day with children in tow like this. It can be rather expensive too.
It's a baby fgs.

So sorry OP, I think it would've been better to just say no visitors until you were ready to have them properly. People will understand that better than having their visit set on a timer.

It just makes it seem like you’re doing them a favour by letting them see you and it’s a massive inconvenience. Are they likely to stay for hours and hours if you don’t impose a limit on them?

I wouldn’t be prepared to subject my children (or myself) to a car journey that length to visit someone for an hour.

She’s done this 3 times for you now, yet you’re the one who is upset?

You are being unreasonable, your sister is not.

Oh come on OP she is respecting your wishes. She's done it twice and has realised a 2 and 1/2 hour round trip for a 30 min visit isn't sustainable.

She can't even stay long enough to have a rest and small snack before she's back on the road.
So until she's welcome to stay longer she'll stay home. She not tried to change your mind, she's not passed judgement or called you names. All she's done is say unfortunately that doesn't work on my end. lets revisit when its convenient for both of us.

You’re both being reasonable.

While I understand why you may be overwhelmed by visits, your sister’s decision to wait a while until visits can be longer is also very reasonable.

When you travelled to her, you didn’t have kids to worry about. How would you feel travelling to hera today and only being allowed 30-60 mins? Can you meet somewhere in between if that helps you?

I would be quite concerned about a relative if they insisted on a maximum visit time to visit. Especially if they had recently had a baby and it was out of character.

I assume your family have no such concerns as your sister has just said that she won't be visiting you and frankly, that's understandable.

I do think you should talk to your Health Visitor or GP about this, OP.

I think your sister is being very fair and understanding, I would probably do the same as she has with a 75 min journey both ways.

If your own sister visiting you is so stressful you need to set a timer on her then best all round to hold off on visits until you are more settled.

I just find all of this “adjusting to being a family of 3” bizzare.

Be thankful you have a family that is interested, wants to be involved, wants to spend time together. They are hardly on your doorstep every day, so no intruding into whatever “bubble” you are in.

all very PFB

What age is your baby?
What age are your sister’s kids?

Did she impose rules on how long you could see her baby's for? Also as this is your first, you were not travelling down with children which is different as you will find out.

If you impose restrictions you can't be surprised if people decide to take a step back.

You didn't tell them to leave but I expect they read between the lines and got the impression you didn't want them there.

I get where you're coming from, in that those early days are tough and you might not feel up to long visits.

Buuut, you are unreasonable to expect your sister to drive all that way, with children of her own, to then be made to feel unwelcome with time limits, and not respond by putting her own boundaries in place.

Tread carefully. Right now you might not want others involved. But one day you will. It takes a village to raise a child and you're pushing yours away.

Neither of you is really being unreasonable, you just are prioritising your own children. As a mum of a 1 and a 4 year old, I would not be wanting to drag them 75 mins each way in the car for just a 30 mins visit! I think you either have to allow them to stay longer or accept that you won't see them as often. You making short visits alone to her without children in tow is not really comparable, as you will discover in a year or two!

I am with your sister here. She's seen the baby twice, now she can leave it until you're more relaxed about visitors.

Your sister has children as well. There is no way I would make my children sit in a car for this long in order to visit someone for an hour. Once you are up and running, you can meet her half way.

Babies cry,
Babies ARE fussy. Doesn’t mean people can’t visit and after a 75 minute drive I would expect to stay longer than an hour!
You are not the only woman in the world to have a baby! If baby is being fussy, just go into another room for feed/soothing.

I concur with everyone else, but would add that now you've set these limits it will be up to you to get in touch when you're ready to see friends and family. We have a neighbour that said all the same stuff as you and now wonders why she's not seen anyone in 18 months. It's up to you to rekindle relationships that you put on hold.

The thing is as well that if you make people feel unwelcome and as though they are an inconvenience to you, they aren't going to want to keep coming round. That first post baby visitor rush does dry up and you might find that in a couple of weeks or months you would be quite grateful for a visit, even if it wasn't 100% on your terms.

Your sister is only doing what you are doing, taking her family into account.

You’re being quite precious. You’ve had a baby, hundreds of people have them every day. It’s a bit ridiculous to expect people to drive for hours and see you for 30 mins. I don’t blame your sister for setting her own boundaries- like a pp said why are you the only one who can? She has kids who are important to consider too.

Is it a digital timer or an actual sand clock you have, @Neverendingsummer26 ?

I wouldn't be loading up kids for a 2.5 hour round trip just to see someone for 30 minutes to an hour. Can you drive? Take the baby to see her and then you can make sure you don't overstay your welcome.