To think there’s plenty to do in your thirties besides having children?

[ThatRoseFish]

I’ve been consuming quite a lot of pregnancy content recently because obviously that’s where I’m at in my life (sarcasm). Anyway, I was listening to two women my age (33), both on their second children and one of them said, “if you’re not having children in your thirties, what are you doing?”

What am I doing?

Maybe I’m having brunch, drinking out of a champagne glass. Maybe I’m on Tinder. Maybe I’m going to start having an affair. The options are endless okay? Don’t limit yourself.

Let’s call a spade a fucking spade. Let’s not idealise this situation. There’s plenty of stuff I could be doing.

Maybe I’m in a sauna. Get in a sauna. Maybe I’m getting absolutely pissed out of my eyeballs on a Thursday night and calling Karaoke Box in Soho at 7pm to see if they’ve got space for me and my mate to sing the entirety of Hamilton the musical.

Maybe I’m having a wee on my own. Maybe I’m lifting weights at the gym without pissing my pants. Maybe I’m not opening a snack for someone with no fine motor skills. The possibilities really are endless.

AIBU to think we can stop acting as though having children is the only meaningful thing a woman can do in her thirties?

Nobody has said all women should have kids though? Op has gone off on a deranged rant about mothers pissing themselves, which is just a bit hateful and bizarre.

Nobody has said all women should have kids? That's the message women are fed every single day — by family, films, adverts, governments, religion. It's the most approved choice there is.

OP's joke was a response to two mothers wondering aloud what childless women in their 30s even do with their time. That's absurd and offensive, and challenging it with humour is a perfectly legitimate feminist act.

Mocking the norm is not hate; it's what you do to a norm that has every institution on its side.

Look at the replies, though. people lining up to put childless women back in their place — nothing compares to the wonders of motherhood, she's clearly just jealous, the usual. That's the actual contempt in this thread, and it's pointed in the usual direction,

I agree with your title. I think the line about mother's pissing their pants was unnecessarily nasty though.

Working yourself into into a lather over one woman’s social media reckons and projecting it onto women with tired tropes about pelvic floors just makes you look insecure about your own choices when literally no one gives a shit what you do. Spend your thirties however you like. But maybe stay off social media, culture war bullshit has poisoned your brain.

Lots of women throughout history thought and felt as you do about parenting.

None of them left any ancestors.

OP the things you describe sound like things a 20 year old wants to do. Maybe there's more of an insinuation that most women have outgrown these things by the time they reach their 30s.

They could also be inventing a social network for like minded folk in similar situations to discuss topics of interest to them rather than hijack other clearly irrelevant social networks 🧐

We were child free not by choice while in our thirties and did all the things you mentioned, two good incomes, lots of foreign travelling. Yes, life can be good and easy. But now that we are parents, we wouldn't trade it for the world. We are more tired, more worried, less time to travel but our hearts are so full now. I'm just saying both can be good depending on what you want.

Can you seriously not think of any examples yourself that child free people do with their free time?

1. it is the default activity, it’s what we’re programmed to do. We’re animals after all
2. the alternatives are of course fathomable

Of course there's to more to life than having kids! 😂 That's just what parents will tell you because it makes them feel better about wasting their 30's with babies yet you'll get called the selfish one if you admit your happy without kids

So? 😆
Humanity is hardly dying out.
That really wasn't the mic drop you thought it was

…absolutely anything you want!!

I spent mine birdwatching, dog training, walking on Dartmoor and looking after the house, garden and DH. Lots of visitors as we lived in a beautiful area.

I think you meant descendants. We all have ancestors.

You sound utterly ghastly. Why the glee abou peoples failed IVF?

You do sound very defensive and angry about a random comment on a video that you chose to watch. Maybe ask yourself why? I often find that reacting so strongly to something shows that it has touched a nerve somewhere. If you genuinely don’t care about what they say, then it can just roll off you. But it didn’t.

none of the things you list as fun activities should remotely interesting or meaningful. and the ‘jokes’ about pelvic floor weakness are pretty mean.

Ofc it touched a nerve! It's bloody offensive to imply that women who don't have children have nothing valuable to do with their time. And this isn't just a random comment- it's an idea that penetrates deep in our culture and in the psyche of most women

I think because I’m childfree by choice, any negatives comments about it are water off a ducks back. I don’t care.
But for friends who have gone through the horror of infertility, it’s very different.
And the poster who used failed IVF as an option to mock women has had an empathy bypass.

AIBU to think we can stop acting as though having children is the only meaningful thing a woman can do in her thirties?

YANBU at all, and I say this as a parent.

You don’t speak for “most women” and what goes on in our psyches. How reductive and lazy. We aren’t a homogenous mass driven by biology.

I didn't say it was "driven by biology"- what makes you think I did?
It's driven by culture - pronatalism- the type of ideas promoted in this social media clip and it's incredibly harmful to women who don't have children and also tbh to those who do.

Im rolling my eyes at most of the comments on this thread , mothers declaring they have it all, an unchanged figure, a great social life, lots of time to do meaningful and interesting things, oh and how no other experience in their life touches the sides of the meaning and value brought to their life by their role as a mother.
As a mother myself, that's what I personally find to be reductive and false. But it's what we're supposed to say ofc because of pronatalism..

God, do you? I have one kid and loads of other stuff I do is more amazing than that.

The comment about not pissing yourself in the gym, is just nasty and highlights your internalised misogyny. You may well have a uterine prolapse or experience incontinence in the future, so don’t be too full of it. So, to summarise, a couple of women on Instagram made some comments that you found offensive, so you lash out at all women who have given birth?

Perhaps step away from social media and stop being so defensive and attacking of others.

But with the option you can travel

Yes sure you can but most normal people have a limited number of days holiday because they need to earn money to live hence have a job.

So it’s not like it’s endless weeks away.

You can travel differently as an adult without dependents. I mean when children are little.

Having kids is a ballache it is, and they rightly take up a lot of time, energy and resources. On the flip side they bring a lot of joy and love.

I had a great time in my 20s, they were packed, I loved being able to do other things during the early years of childrearing, it made us go and see a load of dinosaur bones for example.

And now we travel “travel” again with teenagers so it’s different again.

You can keep learning and expanding your horizons with or without children. You can exercise, travel, learn, do hobbies, socialise, cook, relax, have wild nights out, own a pet, garden, read, ride bikes, throw parties, go to gigs, theatre, galleries, museums, with or without children.

It’s how you approach life, where you are, who you are with that stops you doing these things or inspires you to do stuff, not if you have children or not.

There are some incredibly interesting and incredibly boring adults both with and without children. Interesting obviously is a moving target.

It shows a lack of imagination saying “what do you even do in your 30s without children” if it was a judgement, this is why context is important, as it could also be a tongue in cheek comment about how they haven’t had time to have a pee in peace for days. And yes that comment will be interpreted in many ways.

For us our children have expanded and inspired our lives not reduced them. There has been compromise and hard work along the way but most things which are worth it involves some hard work and compromise. So it can be a misconception that children stunt your life. They don’t. Just as it can be a misconception being childfree is meaningless.

It really does come down to individuals.