To think there’s plenty to do in your thirties besides having children?

[ThatRoseFish]

I’ve been consuming quite a lot of pregnancy content recently because obviously that’s where I’m at in my life (sarcasm). Anyway, I was listening to two women my age (33), both on their second children and one of them said, “if you’re not having children in your thirties, what are you doing?”

What am I doing?

Maybe I’m having brunch, drinking out of a champagne glass. Maybe I’m on Tinder. Maybe I’m going to start having an affair. The options are endless okay? Don’t limit yourself.

Let’s call a spade a fucking spade. Let’s not idealise this situation. There’s plenty of stuff I could be doing.

Maybe I’m in a sauna. Get in a sauna. Maybe I’m getting absolutely pissed out of my eyeballs on a Thursday night and calling Karaoke Box in Soho at 7pm to see if they’ve got space for me and my mate to sing the entirety of Hamilton the musical.

Maybe I’m having a wee on my own. Maybe I’m lifting weights at the gym without pissing my pants. Maybe I’m not opening a snack for someone with no fine motor skills. The possibilities really are endless.

AIBU to think we can stop acting as though having children is the only meaningful thing a woman can do in her thirties?

YANBU at all.Those women you heard have a pitifully narrow outlook on life.

I hear you OP. Although think I'm actually barred from Karaoke Box 😭

Honestly, I think most mums in their thirties are thinking often of all the great things they could be doing if they didn't have kids. Their comment was odd. Having kids can be great, not having kids can be great. Life's too short to worry about what other people think (although I spend too much time doing that)

Could you bring taking a slight where it doesn't exist?
My sister is child free and I sometimes wonder what she's doing with her time. I'm just preoccupied with my children's needs and haven't experienced child free adulthood outside the years of financial instability and career-grind. I don't think her life lacks meaning or mine intrinsically has some.
We just have wildly different lifestyles and I don't know what she is doing really.
ETA I wouldn't ask her as I know how it would sound, just genuinely curious what you do with so much time.

Errrr OK.

You do you.

But it got you to watch their content though didn’t it? That’s the whole point. You don’t have to agree. You just have to consume.

I had two babies in my 30s. I also got a PhD. I did an international move. Dh and I started a company. I travelled loads. It was definitely not all about baby making. But I didn’t really think about it. Because I was living life, not just on TikTok.

Of course. Just because some rando person said it once doesn't make it true.

Some people have very rigid timescales that they want to do things by and can't imagine anyone doing anything else. If these people are friends then I'd scale back spending time with them as obviously you don't have much in common, and spend your time with people more on your wavelength.

You sound quite defensive. I don’t think anyone really cares what other women are doing in their thirties. If you really did hear someone say this then it’s just an offhand comment by a stranger and you shouldn’t let it get to you.

Omg, what did you do?!

This may blow your mind @ThatRoseFish (and I think you should sit down to hear this,) but SOME women do really exciting and fun things in their 30s, even when they have children! 😱

AIBU to think we can stop acting as though having children is the only meaningful thing a woman can do in her thirties?

Hmmmm, I have never heard anyone say this.

Methinks you are projecting a bit....... And as @rowlinginthedeep said, you sound very defensive...

.

But there’s a difference between genuinely wondering how someone spends their time and asking, “if you’re not having children in your thirties, what are you doing?” The latter implies that having children is the default and that anything else requires an explanation. That’s the attitude I’m poking fun at.

And your edit rather illustrates the point. You recognise how that question might sound to your sister even if your curiosity is entirely innocent.

If I told you I had 2 kids and still do all of this,
and that I’ve never ‘pissed my pants’, your head will probably blow off, so I won’t..

You sound a bit jealous if I’m honest.

You’ve taken 1 comment from 1 person and weirdly extrapolated it to a widely held view that is somehow purposefully offensive to you.

People that think like this and can’t brush off comments are usually projecting, in my opinion.

I personally think having children is the most amazing thing in life. I did all those things you mentioned before i had kids and continue to do them now when i have a sitter for the kids (apart from having affairs) Not sure why you think mothers are peeing themselves? It is possible to have a family and a social life.

Congratulations on your PhD, international move and business venture, but I’m not entirely sure what any of that has to do with my point. If anything, you’ve demonstrated that there are plenty of things to do in your thirties beyond having children, which is precisely what I was saying.

And consuming a piece of content and having an opinion on it doesn’t mean someone isn’t out living their life. That’s a rather odd conclusion to draw.

The thing is, having children IS the default. Far more people have them than don't.

My thirties were wonderful, but I didn't ever feel like I needed to justify how I spent my time. I also never felt judged for being able to live selfishly and freely.

And that’s wonderful for you. I’m not suggesting that mothers can’t have social lives or that having children prevents women from doing other things. I’m questioning the suggestion that women who aren’t having children in their thirties must somehow be at a loss for what to do with themselves.

As for the peeing, it was a joke about pelvic floor issues, not a claim that every mother is incontinent. I thought the deliberately ridiculous examples made the humour fairly obvious!

You’ve lifted this from Kyla Cobbler’s Instagram and the comments underneath it.
Odd.

Because some people have no imagination. There are a hundred things to be doing in your thirties that are better than raising children

I am writing my first novel, learning a foreign language, singing in a choir, travelling the world, training to run the marathon, reading the complete works of Shakespeare, walking the Cino de Santiago, having amazing sex, etc., etc.

I need to hear the story

Your ‘friends’ are being very unreasonable, of course there’s plenty of things a woman in her 30s can be doing besides being a mother. I’m a mother to two beautiful girls but I am more than just that. Some women make that their entire personality and it seems that is what your friends are doing.

I do think though your penultimate paragraph on your OP is a bit weird and defensive, and a bit insulting

Well if you're in your 30s and on Tinder maybe your life isn't at the right stage for children anyway.
I don't think women without children do anything in their 30s that they couldn't do at any other age.
I admit I coasted along to 37 doing all the same things I had been doing for the previous 20 years. Then I had two children and did different things for the following 20 years. Now they are adults and I'm in a different phase of life.
The child rearing years are only a part of life.

Your joke about pelvic floor was nasty.

Yawn, accusing someone of being jealous is just the dullest kind of insult.