To think there’s plenty to do in your thirties besides having children?

[ThatRoseFish]

I’ve been consuming quite a lot of pregnancy content recently because obviously that’s where I’m at in my life (sarcasm). Anyway, I was listening to two women my age (33), both on their second children and one of them said, “if you’re not having children in your thirties, what are you doing?”

What am I doing?

Maybe I’m having brunch, drinking out of a champagne glass. Maybe I’m on Tinder. Maybe I’m going to start having an affair. The options are endless okay? Don’t limit yourself.

Let’s call a spade a fucking spade. Let’s not idealise this situation. There’s plenty of stuff I could be doing.

Maybe I’m in a sauna. Get in a sauna. Maybe I’m getting absolutely pissed out of my eyeballs on a Thursday night and calling Karaoke Box in Soho at 7pm to see if they’ve got space for me and my mate to sing the entirety of Hamilton the musical.

Maybe I’m having a wee on my own. Maybe I’m lifting weights at the gym without pissing my pants. Maybe I’m not opening a snack for someone with no fine motor skills. The possibilities really are endless.

AIBU to think we can stop acting as though having children is the only meaningful thing a woman can do in her thirties?

Yes, strange comment. I've done so much more in my 30s than 20s.

OP literally said she’s seen this on social media, what’s so odd about that?

In some cases, that accusation is bang on though.

I dunno, the stuff you mentioned I did in my 20s. I still do in my 30s and I can do in the future in my 40s. Having kids is magical and nothing absolutely nothing beats it in my book. No chocolate, no wine; no sex, no partying, no holiday, no massage, no fine dining, no peeing alone (this is for a short while and not forever for a parent)

I do not recognise ANY of that when you are a parent... No wine, no sex, no partying, no peeing alone, no massage, no holiday - (even for a short while.)

Why on earth would you not be able to have any of this, when you have children? ^

It just sounds like yet another jab at women who choose to have families. Adding to the stereotype that mothers are tired, have no social life, no time to take care of themselves, no parties or holidays etc whilst child free women are so much better off in comparison, which is not the case at all. Both paths have their place. For your friends, they have picked theirs and obviously cant imagine not having kids in their 30s. For other people it happens a little later or not at all. We should all just mind our own business and stop comparing.

You’re not unreasonable at all. Some people have incredibly programmatic ideas about what women in particular ‘should’ be doing at certain life stages.

Lay off the wine

I had my children at 32 and 35. Loved my life with DH before them and love my life now. We adapt lifestyles. DH and I have travelled the world. We would have done the same with our kids but DS is disabled (although he is now 13 so hoping we can travel next year!). We have never stopped going to gigs and festivals - just needs more planning. Maybe less social media?

I wonder why, in general, we have to be 'doing' all the time. Why it matters if we aren't 'doing' anything with our free time.

I haven't had children. I have a job, rather than a career, I don't have masses of hobbies, or anything. I really don't see the need to fill up my time to have more 'worth'. Part of the reason I haven't got kids is because I don't like to be 'doing' all the time. I like a quiet life. I am not easily bored, perhaps because I am not overly bright.

I am sure people wonder what I do with my time. To be honest, not a lot. And that's just how I like it. Others are different. To each their own.

Laughing at all these mothers desperate to assert that you can have small children and still do interesting things and have a great social life.

I mean... hats off to you guys who have it all I suppose!!
As a mum in the trenches with multiple little ones and a (struggling) career, there are definitely very real/ v significant tradeoffs in my experience .

YANBU OP. People with children can be so boring and self involved .

That’s lovely and I hope you get to travel next year. But I’m not suggesting that having children means your life comes to an end or that parents can’t enjoy themselves. I’m questioning why some people seem to regard having children as the default activity for women in their thirties, as though the alternatives are somehow unfathomable. And I’m not sure why having an opinion on something I’ve seen on social media means I need to spend less time on it!

Although I do agree...

Are you going to credit Kyla Cobbler for this material?

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DfFQZNKx7bW/?rpxt=dWtpNWdsZXBmZmlk

She's literally taken Kyla's words and presented them as her own. Kyla is pregnant and that's why she says she's been consuming pregnancy content and that's where she's at in her life in her video on Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/kylacobblercomedy/reel/DfFQZNKx7bW/

Usually a poster will talk about a discussion on social media in their own words rather than repurpose somebody else's.

There's plenty of meaningful things women in their thirties can do. I completely agree. Had I not became a mother before I had more sense I'd be doing them, too.

Do think it's slightly odd you're posting on mumsnet about this, though.

p.s. nothing better or more worthwhile than kids in this life🥰

Uggh. All kinds of worthwhile and wonderful lives don't involve having children. Your life isn't better or more meaningful than others just because you reproduced.

I agree with you in principle. But your examples are poor. Having children is about the creation of something meaningful, working and sacrificing to achieve that. A more comparable list of alternatives would be developing friendships, spending time with loved ones, building careers, travelling, self actualisation of some sort.
Not that anyone needs to do any of that either if they don't want to, but if you are going to set up a direct comparison then it's better to compare like with like.

Nothing better? I would beg to differ.
This is the kind of superior attitude that pisses off the childfree

Love this. Love my simple little life. Currently watching Wuthering Heights in my pyjamas and drinking wine, feels very worthwhile to me.

I think the presumption is for women who do want children, because lets face it if you dont do it in your 30s, it all gets a bit tricky after that. Some do manage in their 40s, but with a lot more risks and uncertainty generally. But if you dont want kids at all, then why even engage with that kind of content? Its just not for you.

I don’t think it’s that having children is the default activity in your thirties, just that most women with children do have them in their late twenties/thirties. Because they mostly don’t have them before 18 and mostly can’t have them after 45.

Nobody of any age should have children unless they desperately and passionately want them and confidently expect to continue to feel that way for at least 18 years.

It's pissed me off and I'm a parent.