To think there’s plenty to do in your thirties besides having children?

[ThatRoseFish]

I’ve been consuming quite a lot of pregnancy content recently because obviously that’s where I’m at in my life (sarcasm). Anyway, I was listening to two women my age (33), both on their second children and one of them said, “if you’re not having children in your thirties, what are you doing?”

What am I doing?

Maybe I’m having brunch, drinking out of a champagne glass. Maybe I’m on Tinder. Maybe I’m going to start having an affair. The options are endless okay? Don’t limit yourself.

Let’s call a spade a fucking spade. Let’s not idealise this situation. There’s plenty of stuff I could be doing.

Maybe I’m in a sauna. Get in a sauna. Maybe I’m getting absolutely pissed out of my eyeballs on a Thursday night and calling Karaoke Box in Soho at 7pm to see if they’ve got space for me and my mate to sing the entirety of Hamilton the musical.

Maybe I’m having a wee on my own. Maybe I’m lifting weights at the gym without pissing my pants. Maybe I’m not opening a snack for someone with no fine motor skills. The possibilities really are endless.

AIBU to think we can stop acting as though having children is the only meaningful thing a woman can do in her thirties?

You're being very very unreasonable if you think all women with children 'piss their pants'.

*Camino de Santiago

You can pick almost any section of MN and find hundreds of women saying exactly that though. How knackered they (always) are, how they are sick to the back teeth of being the default parent (including to their partner), how they never get a chance to go out with their friends, how holidays with kids are so expensive or just the same shit, different location etc.

That's not child free women making up "jabs", that's real mums posting about their lives.

But I agree with you 100% that both choices have their paths; and also that both have pros and cons. Which means they are not directly comparable really.

Exactly. The generalisations about mothers, and the silly comments about all women who have had babies peeing themselves are so misogynistic and horrible.

I for one have a perfectly good pelvic floor and do NOT piss myself thank you very much. Many women who have had babies don't either!

OP is clearly projecting here, and her 'jokes' and 'banter' are not landing well, because they are rude and offensive generalisations.

As for the idea that all mothers have no social life, all look like shit, have no hobbies, can't go to parties, never have a decent holiday etc, that is all so rude and presumptuous too. And this does not represent me, at any point in my motherhood.

Women without children are welcome on Mumsnet of course, but why do they think it's OK to come on here and post such offensive and disparaging remarks about mothers?! Threads like this should be banned IMO.

I remember being in my 30s with 3 small DDs and looking back on my 20s wellbeing what I filled my time with because I thought I was busy and tired. I’d laugh at myself. (I’d never think that of anyone else).

I’m now mid 40s with older teens and I have to say, alongside toddler stage, this is the most exhausting stage. Helping almost adults navigate life is next level ime. If I didn’t have dc, I would be far less stressed. I wouldn’t change my life for anything but I’d never assume others look on with jealous eyes.

I had my kids at 37 and 39. Love them madly, but DH and I had fabulous, exciting, jetsetting lives before them. Heaps more interesting than Rhyme Time and the joys of baby led weaning. I was always busy doing fun stuff, traveled loads, got loads of lovely sleep and had a fantastic figure I miss very much. My childless 30’s were great. Much better than my 20’s, as I had lots more money.

I’m hopeful that my 40’s will be good fun, once they’re not tiny. Pray for me. 😂

Those experiences arent the norm though. Its the minority of women coming to the site to off load. They do not represent us all. Having children is the best decision I ever made. I still travel, shop and so all the things I did before having children plus more. They made my life complete and my partner is amazing too. I dont think my experience is rare either. I think most of us are incredibly happy but we just dont post about it.

Because the original social media post was in the context of the comedian being pregnant. It was intended to be ironic- not the sneering tripe in the OP.

Well I couldn’t have any. So it’s a good thing I’ve been able to find other things to do isn’t it.

This post really depressed me. I’m 37 and DH and I have an absolutely fantastic life, BUT we are also thinking about starting TTC next year which would obviously put a stop to some of the things that make our life fantastic. Would you say it has been worth it for you? Also - and sorry if this is too personal - was it baby number 1 or number 2 which ruined your figure? I’ve heard it’s easier to bounce back after the first baby. (I ask because we are only planning on 1 child and I really hope it doesn’t destroy my figure which I really really care about.)

I hear you op and comments like that are not uncommon. The slightly….perplexed and faux sympathetic look when you say you don’t have children.
Just ignore. I spent my 30s working and building my career to enable me to retire in my 40s. It would have been impossible for me to do that with children in tow, I simply wouldn’t have been able to give them the attention I think they need.
Now, I’m almost retired and my friends with children talk about how “lucky” I am. And I just think no, it’s not luck. I just made different choices to you. Not better, not worse, just different. But I’m happy and my value as a woman isn’t tied to my choice or ability to procreate or not.

Omg. Jealous! 😂 Are sure you're mature enough to have kids?

It seems like you've homed in on one idle musing from one person. It isn't "them and us". Of course there are lots of exciting things to do in your 30s. For some that might include having children, for others not.

Maybe that was just a thought she had that day, maybe she genuinely thinks that. It doesn't really matter - just crack on with whatever is important to you. I know someone who thought buying a property was the be all and end all for your 30s and she didn't get why others weren't focussed on it 🤷

I am nearly 35 with one dd

And I am one and done

People expect me to find a step dad for dd, get married and pop out more kids

FUCK NO! Theres live to be lived ladies!!

Like the poster you quote I had a fantastic time before having babies at 37 and 39.
I never wanted children before that but it was the single best decision I made in my life. No doubt I would not have known any different if the decision had been no instead of yes.
You can't pretend that life doesn't change, but children is a transient phase of life, mine are grown up now. Losing my figure never crossed my mind but no, having two babies made no difference. I have the same figure and weigh the same in my 60s as my teens.

Yanbu op, and i say this as somebody who spent my entire 30s raising dcs. I feel like I lost almost a decade, because it was such a blur of happy chaos. Don't get me wrong I adore my dcs, but we were in the trenches with no support; it was exhausting. Now I'm 40, I love my life again. They're at lovely ages, and I get sleep, travel with them, activities that are more fun for everybody, and they're such interesting little people, so it has sort of paid off. However, I couldn't go back to the baby/toddler stage, I used to envy my old life.

Oh ffs.

Now that is definitely a full life! I'm totally with you!

It's not compulsory to have children. Do you both really want to be parents? If you're that worried about your figure maybe think twice.

Some believe your life is over at 50 and can’t believe I’m doing all the things you describe as I turn 60. Maybe I’d choose a different karaoke number but count me in on the rest.

Society likes to pigeonhole and sterotype women irrespective of their age, children, careers, and in A million other ways. You are not alone in this.

My advice is to joyfully and subversively uproot those stereotypes by living your absolute best life, no matter what that looks like.

and that might include you avoiding some of the stereotypes you’ve included in your op. For instance I do not piss my pants when I lift heavy at the gym 😉

Think you’ve misunderstood me. I’m currently on holiday, just had 2 massages this week!! Have very small kids.

my point was any other pleasures in life are wonderful. I love chocolate a massage etc. time alone holidays (things people quote as the things you can do instead of kids). I bloody love a nice glass of red or an orgasm. They just aren’t on the same levels as the feeling of a newborn on my chest. So all these things people quote as amazing to do because you are childfree. They don’t even reach the sides in life experiences

I couldn’t disagree more about ruined figures. My figure is a size 8 and I’m 9 stone. I have had 3 kids in the last 5 years and apart from emptier boobs my body is better than before.

having small kids is cardio all day every day.
You don’t have to worry you’ll never have a hot bod again!!

Do you genuinely think that women who have given birth have experienced deeper emotions or had better life experience than those who haven't?

I’m saying for me, nothing in life has ever come close the the feeling of my newborns on my chest.

people can list anything they want - skydiving, marathon sex session, climbing a mountain etc. I’ve done some cool stuff in life but for ME my absolute top life experience is my newborn on my chest. It’s like a million fireworks. For ME nothing you could ever offer me would come close to that pleasure

As Ali said I couldn’t have children. My life is just as rich and meaningful as yours, just in a different way.