Husband lied about being on mounjaro

[Smartypantsloves]

First time poster so please be kind. Not sure if I’m over reacting so reaching out to see how others would feel in my position.

Bit of a backstory. Recently married. DH and I both wanted to lose weight before the wedding. He succeeded and lost a couple of stone within a relatively short space of time, whilst I completely failed. We had briefly talked about mounjaro, but never very seriously (or so I thought). We talked about being worried about any long term effects and both said we would prefer to go down the healthy eating/exercise route first. Fast forward to the wedding. I was happy for him that he had lost weight, a little disappointed in myself for not finding the motivation to do it myself, but ultimately I was happy in my dress and with the way that I looked on the big day.

After the wedding DH bragged that he had lost 3 stone since January and for the first time I questioned how he had managed it, with very little change in his lifestyle and zero exercise. In hindsight I realise he had been skipping meals and hadn’t had much of an appetite in the run up the the wedding. He was so busy at work so I just put it down to stress and him having a busy brain at the time. He just said he had cut down on his portion sizes and had been drinking less beer.

Anyway, to finally get to my point (thanks if you’ve made it this far)… Earlier today, I mistakenly opened a parcel addressed to him and saw the inside packaging was from an online pharmacy. I then realised my mistake so left the package unopened inside. Apologised to DH when he came home and unaware of any health issues he was having, I questioned what he had been ordering. He was slow to respond and without even opening the package, he told me that a friend at work had played a prank on him and ordered a mounjaro pen for him, basically saying he was fat after seeing the wedding photos (which he isn’t any more anyway). I immediately knew it was rubbish and it didn’t make any sense at all. I looked up the company and as I expected, saw that whoever ordered it would have had to send photos and proof of identity to get the prescription. Challenged DH and he admitted he had lied and apologised. He said he was embarrassed about trying it and he felt stupid for making up a story.

So my question is AIBU to feel really let down and concerned about him keeping this secret and then being dishonest about it? It doesn’t feel like the best start to married life. If he could hide something like this and then make up a ridiculous lie, what else has he hidden from me or lied about? Asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me first or why he had felt the need to lie about it but he hasn’t explained.. He does tend to bury his head in the sand and avoid conflict whenever possible. He would rather just say he is sorry and move on without explaining himself or talking things through. For clarity, if he had told me he wanted to try it, I would have supported him completely. His body, his health, his choice but to hide it from me just feels really dishonest and to be completely honest, it would have made me feel less disappointed in myself, had I known before the wedding what he had been doing to lose the weight.

Oh dear, he's not got off to the best start, has he? Not a good idea to promise one thing, do precisely the opposite, and lie to your new spouse about it.
Don't know what to advise, but YANBU

DH doesn’t know I’m on mounjaro. I just didn’t want to have to explain myself or justify my decision, or have him think I’m taking the easy option. I guess I’m a bit embarrassed my weight go so bad and I couldn’t do it on my own so I don’t want anyone to know.

It’s no reflection on our marriage at all.

Generally, I would be understanding about him hiding it. Weight issues are so private and can cause feelings of shame.

However since you were also struggling and he let you think he was succeeding while you were failing, it probably feels like a betrayal. Particularly because we don’t think of men as feeling shame about their bodies.

I would try to be understanding and forgiving. This is part of marriage, learning how to communicate and be vulnerable with one another. Issues like this can strengthen your marriage if addressed and resolved.

Marriage counseling is a really good thing if you are able. You don’t need to wait until there are huge problems to learn how to communicate better.

I didn’t mean to vote but did so I changed to YABU but … neither of you are in this case.

I lost weight with Mounjaro and I freely admit, to myself and others I've talked with about it, that I did it the easy way.

And good for you.

But just because you feel that way about it doesn’t mean everyone else does.

I think from the financial aspect if nothing else it’s wrong not to tell a spouse. Any other medication surely you’d tell them about.

The actual topic of conflict is perhaps irrelevant as you are describing a known pattern of behaviour of his that you find difficult. He would rather not discuss difficult matters where you would rather find out about his motivation and reasoning. If this is typical for him then I guess you aren’t actually surprised by his behaviour?

He doesn’t know how much I spend on hair, toiletries, make up, nails, etc so I don’t see how this is any different. I’m not building up debt as it’s from my own spending money.

But I appreciate that’s how we do our finances - a joint account where we put in a proportion of our salary for bills, a joint credit card for any spending, and then the balance for ourselves. I know other couples put it all in one pot, etc so hiding where joint money is going is more misleading in that situation.

It depends on how you manage money and your agreements around it. It would not be an issue in my marriage.

I would wonder for a minute why it was kept a secret then recognise very quickly that it was obviously a sensitive thing for my spouse.

If OP had not also been trying to lose weight I would have just said he had a right to keep it private. He does. But OP felt like they were in the struggle together and he went and solved his problem but let her think she was failing.

To me, that signals an attachment issue. I’d focus on that - does he usually have trouble trusting and being vulnerable?

Hi op. It’s really not great is it? Your dh not only lied twice about it, he actually bragged about losing weight in front of you too.

Was that to make you feel bad or was it just because he was genuinely happy about the weight loss?

And would he still be lying if you hadn’t found out?

Either way, YANBU to feel let down that he would lie to that extreme. And I agree, it’s not a great start to married life.

How well do you know him op? My worry is that if he lied about his, what else has he lied about? Money? Family? Career? Etc?

The point is now, how are you going to react to it? Personally, I wouldn’t let him bury his head in the sand about it. I would very calmly but firmly let him know that you are very disappointed about the lying, that when he is ready, you want to hear what on earth he was thinking and make it clear in a marriage that while it’s his body and his choice, the deceit is unacceptable, and you want to be clear about this for the future, and is there anything else he needs to come clean about? I would grey rock him until he offers a satisfactory explanation and apologises properly.

It might just be that he was busy at work and with the wedding and he didn’t think he could manage to lose weight on his own without the help of meds. But why the secrecy when you had discussed it? And the fact that this was a joint project and he unilaterally and secretly chose to break the rules is a bit crap of him really. So sorry 💐

Men can be made to feel ashamed of health related things in general. That is not right or fair, but it's like the way women are "allowed" to cry, thought of as the go-to for childcare jobs etc. He possibly didn't want to upset you if you'd said you were concerned about health issues too. I just wonder how he hid it all this time, assuming you live together and share a fridge.
But please, don't spoil this precious time. Gently say you will always support his choices, and you understand it might be male embarrassment, but please can he share things like this with you going forward, because you are a little concerned if he won't commit to doing this in the future.

Congratulations on the weight loss but if I knew you in rl I would bet a significant amount of money that your dh already knows.

He truly has no idea.

I kind of get his point of view, I didn't personally suffer from it but I know a lot of people feel shame at the idea of 'cheating' and/or are worried about comments from others.

Consider also the possibility that you were taking the lead in those early conversations about being concerned about side effects etc, and he felt like he didn't really agree but once he knew your thoughts he didn't feel he could admit that he wanted to try it.

I'm surprised you didn't notice anything in the fridge or little bruises from the injections.

If he asked you directly would you lie to him? That's the but I'd be struggling with - if my DH lied straight into my face.

Mounjaro doesn’t actually need to be kept in the fridge once opened.

And I don’t always bruise when I inject either.

So it’s really easy to hide it. I collect mine on the day I’m due and keep the pen in the little wallet that I keep my tampons in.

All relationships are different, but honesty is really important to me. Having said that, if this was just about him not telling me due to embarrassment or fear of judgement, I would find it easier to understand. It’s lying to my face that I struggle with more I think as it’s just inexcusable to me. Would you lie to your DH if he found your medication? Congrats on the weight loss by the way.

No, I wouldn’t be able to lie to him. He’s never asked me about Mounjaro or how I’ve lost the weight so it’s not come up. And because I’ve been doing it slowly, I’ve not had the sudden drastic weight loss that you see with others. But if he asked me direct, then I wouldn’t lie.

Thanks for clarifying, my experience was with Wegovy. I would say I get a bruise 90% of the time.

If you hold your skin taut when injecting, it generally doesn’t bruise, but does also depend on how sensitive your skin is!

This makes a lot of sense thank you, and yes I think he does struggle with being vulnerable and talking about his feelings, whereas I’m an open book.

I'm a huge stickler for the truth too, but medical issues are kind of exempt in my opinion - I don't think it's realistic to expect automatic disclosure of everything from your spouse. Obviously you should share anything that is going to impact the other person or the marriage, but health is deeply personal and nobody should have to share until they're ready to do so. And yes, that might include telling white lies as cover if you're put on the spot.

I think your disappointment about your own weight loss might be clouding your judgement here.

You are not the same person you may be married but he is entitled to privacy

Agree, it was really crap of him and I won’t be able to move past it until I feel like it’s been properly addressed. The trouble is, I know he will now try and avoid the subject for as long as possible in the hope that it will just go away.

And no I don’t think for second he was bragging about it to make me feel bad about myself. He would never do that. I think he was just really pleased with his progress. And we have been together for 9 years almost, so I like to think I know him better than anyone. In a way, I should probably be reassured by the fact he is such a rubbish liar to come up with such a ridiculous story, but I just felt insulted tbh.