Husband lied about being on mounjaro

[Smartypantsloves]

First time poster so please be kind. Not sure if I’m over reacting so reaching out to see how others would feel in my position.

Bit of a backstory. Recently married. DH and I both wanted to lose weight before the wedding. He succeeded and lost a couple of stone within a relatively short space of time, whilst I completely failed. We had briefly talked about mounjaro, but never very seriously (or so I thought). We talked about being worried about any long term effects and both said we would prefer to go down the healthy eating/exercise route first. Fast forward to the wedding. I was happy for him that he had lost weight, a little disappointed in myself for not finding the motivation to do it myself, but ultimately I was happy in my dress and with the way that I looked on the big day.

After the wedding DH bragged that he had lost 3 stone since January and for the first time I questioned how he had managed it, with very little change in his lifestyle and zero exercise. In hindsight I realise he had been skipping meals and hadn’t had much of an appetite in the run up the the wedding. He was so busy at work so I just put it down to stress and him having a busy brain at the time. He just said he had cut down on his portion sizes and had been drinking less beer.

Anyway, to finally get to my point (thanks if you’ve made it this far)… Earlier today, I mistakenly opened a parcel addressed to him and saw the inside packaging was from an online pharmacy. I then realised my mistake so left the package unopened inside. Apologised to DH when he came home and unaware of any health issues he was having, I questioned what he had been ordering. He was slow to respond and without even opening the package, he told me that a friend at work had played a prank on him and ordered a mounjaro pen for him, basically saying he was fat after seeing the wedding photos (which he isn’t any more anyway). I immediately knew it was rubbish and it didn’t make any sense at all. I looked up the company and as I expected, saw that whoever ordered it would have had to send photos and proof of identity to get the prescription. Challenged DH and he admitted he had lied and apologised. He said he was embarrassed about trying it and he felt stupid for making up a story.

So my question is AIBU to feel really let down and concerned about him keeping this secret and then being dishonest about it? It doesn’t feel like the best start to married life. If he could hide something like this and then make up a ridiculous lie, what else has he hidden from me or lied about? Asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me first or why he had felt the need to lie about it but he hasn’t explained.. He does tend to bury his head in the sand and avoid conflict whenever possible. He would rather just say he is sorry and move on without explaining himself or talking things through. For clarity, if he had told me he wanted to try it, I would have supported him completely. His body, his health, his choice but to hide it from me just feels really dishonest and to be completely honest, it would have made me feel less disappointed in myself, had I known before the wedding what he had been doing to lose the weight.

If you weren't also trying to lose weight and thinking you were doing it together it would feel very different to me. This feels like he cheated then lied.

I would find this very hard to forgive and to trust.

There are too many lies and betrayals:

Ordered it ‘behind my back’ after we had discussed it, watched me struggling to lose weight in the run up to the wedding, continuing to lose weight and bragging about weight loss after the wedding, continuing to lie even after in the face of proof.

I don’t buy the ‘shame’ argument as this was something you were open about, felt you were in together until you found out you weren’t.

I think people are allowed privacy within a marriage, especially when he knows you don't agree with his decision (we you say you "both agreed", it sounds like it wasn't really both of you agreeing!) And I can see how in his mind he was just going to try it for a couple of months, and then couldn't find a way out of the lie.

But it does sound unkind of him to brag about his weight loss, especially when he knew you were struggling.

I agree that people are allowed some privacy within a marriage, but not when you decide jointly to embark on a project involving your wedding!

as others have said there is so much shame when it comes to weight. There is so much judgement from some when people use weight loss aides to. Maybe in your discussions you came across a little more critical about them than he was comfortable with. Imo this isn’t a major red flag, but it would be something I’d store away and keep in mind if something similar happens again.

I believe privacy & keeping secrets are two different things. To me privacy is wanting space to get changed, or attending to personal hygiene. Keeping secrets resulting in upset if eventually found out is unhealthy which is why I believe there should be no secrets whatsoever within marriage.

I told DH a few weeks in to using Wegovy, and very few people know I've been using it. I wasn't sure how DH would react. He loses weight easily when he wants to. Being much taller and a male metabolism that isn't going through hormonal change means his metabolic rate is much higher. I wasn't obese, but mildly overweight, struggling with the fit of my clothes, feeling uncomfortable, continuing to gain despite trying to limit portion sizes and battling constant hunger for a lack of results. There's a lot of negativity about the GLP1s and a lot of judgement about "cheating". What it's done for me is turn the appetite down so I can comfortably eat less and feel better on it. As I understand it, the gallstones and pancreaitis risks are risks of any rapid weightloss anyway (and higher in obese people to begin with), so a steady loss helps to mitigate anyway, and should be less of an issue in moderate losses.

DH knows I've started HRT but not the specifics of brand and dosage.

It's most likely that he's felt embarassed particularly with the "joint" concensus about not using GLP1s and doing it "naturally" and that's made it awkward to admit he's had a support method. You're not unreasonable to feel peeved that he's been proud of his (assisted) results while you've struggled without. It is possible that the metabolic advantages of being male have increased the efficacy of his weight loss aside from the method he's used too.

He hasn't handled the situation well, but it doesn't automatically mean that he's secretive in other parts of life.

I've opened parcels for DH by accident, most recently DH had an Amazon package that I didn't expect come in around the time I was expecting a similarly proportioned delivery and hadn't scruitinised the label for "Jane Smith" instead of "John Smith".

It's weight loss jabs not steroids from someone in the gym. Plus a passing glance at social media tells you men can very much feel ashamed by weight. I still remember being gutted to not be below 12 stone 25 years ago might be 14 now

This in spades. I grew up in a family where my dad had strong opinions about health issues and doing things the natural way. When I read "we discussed the potential health issues and decided to do it naturally", my interpretation is, the person with strong beliefs and a strong personality made their feelings known, and the other person went along with them, and maybe felt unable to say later that they had changed their mind.

I'm sorry if this is unfair to you OP - it might be. But it's one example of why someone might be secretive about this sort of thing, especially if your DH doesn't like conflict. Or maybe you're very articulate or charismatic, and he felt so convinced by your arguments, but maybe couldn't articulate his own feelings as well, or felt embarrassed when he wanted to change his mind, like he'd let you down. After all, just losing weight the natural way is bloody hard for most people.

My dad is very articulate and would always be able to make a convincing case to justify whatever he felt was right. But this didn't change how any of us felt, just meant that we'd know there was no point pushing in a discussion for what we wanted because he'd feel that we'd discussed and agreed something, and if he later found out we'd done something different, he'd feel "betrayed" , "trust broken" etc.

Unfortunately, having grown up in this situation and seeing it as normal, I now look back and see was I like this myself in my marriage to some extent. Now, in family relationships, I try to take a step back and think "am I really listening to the other person, and if they disagree with me, will they feel OK saying so?"

This may not apply to you at all, but possibly worth considering.

You are not being unreasonable and have every right to feel betrayed.

It was a shared commitment to lose weight, which obviously was not a competition but still very sneaky of him.

Expect more white lies and deviousness if you stay with him

I can see why he’s kept this from you, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a deal breaker. He’s probably a bit embarrassed that he needs medical help to curb his appetite.
A lot of people use it without telling others, including their nearest and dearest.

Shady as hell. He let you think that he had done better than you, he let you feel disappointment in yourself....he's a liar, it's that simple. And if he lied about this, what else has he lied about? You now know, going forward in the marriage, that to avoid any conflict, his answer is to lie. Not sure I could cope knowing this, tbh.

I see this as him prioritising himself financially in the relationship. I would say to him that I too want to go on WLI and see how that conversation goes. Is there enough spare money for you to also go on a long term prescription? If there isn’t and his weight is now stable then it’s your turn surely?

I suspect your husband's recollection of your conversations about the injections may be very different. "We both agreed" usually means one person made their feelings quite clear and the other 'agreed' for an easy life. Irrespective of this - health is absolutely the one area in which it is fine to keep private - even from your spouse. Your husband is healthier because he took medication to help him become healthier. Look at it that way.

I am very close to my husband but taking the injections is just not something I can talk to him about it admit at all. I think you should be kind and try to let it go.

He should have told you. Now you're married you are next of kin and if he has medical emergency because of the injections you need to be able to communicate that information to the drs.

I find it really odd that people keep medical issues from their spouse. My husband is the one person I’d want to speak to about anything medical. I would be annoyed he lied and then bragged about losing weight (whilst pretending he did it naturally).

Nope。You have no right to know!
However i think from a safety perspective it would have been advisable

It was really health in this example. It was more about them both looking good for the wedding.
They were supposed to be on the same page having discussed it.

I think Op needs to be careful. It’s the thing that annoys you in the beginning, that breaks your marriage in the end.

It's the lying

It’s on his nhs records, it’s really not something people can only take if they tell others,

you do seem to be reacting very badly and I do wonder if much of this is about the fact he succeeded and you didn’t, and that’s what’s annoying you.

He was concealing this out of embarrassment and his coverup lies were so pathetically unbelievable that you needn't worry he will make a habit of it.

I'd feel betrayed as well OP. I do think people have a right to privacy but I think that was forfeited when you both discussed weight loss and using drugs to do so together. If he wanted to be private he shouldn't have bragged about it to you, and when you asked him how he'd done it he should have said he'd rather not discuss it not lied (which btw I think was cruel when someone is going through the same thing). And the same when you asked him about the medication. I'd also be very concerned about him letting you breve you were 'in it together' when he was doing something totally different in secret, and about lying to your face more than once. I'd be asking him to discuss it again not to get apologies but to understand why he did this, why did he feel embarrassed when he knew you wouldn't judge as you'd also considered it. Why did he not consider how you'd feel when he was bragging about losing weight when you couldn't. Why did he lie to your face rather than saying he didn't want to talk about it. He needs to understand how upset you are and how worried you are that this means he won't share future uncomfortable subjects with you

He’s a bloke, he was embarrassed- be kind. Maybe you need to think whether you do or say anything that would make him feel he needed to hide it

Good grief, are you saying a married couple should be able to freely open each other’s mail? I don’t agree with that at all.