Husband lied about being on mounjaro

[Smartypantsloves]

First time poster so please be kind. Not sure if I’m over reacting so reaching out to see how others would feel in my position.

Bit of a backstory. Recently married. DH and I both wanted to lose weight before the wedding. He succeeded and lost a couple of stone within a relatively short space of time, whilst I completely failed. We had briefly talked about mounjaro, but never very seriously (or so I thought). We talked about being worried about any long term effects and both said we would prefer to go down the healthy eating/exercise route first. Fast forward to the wedding. I was happy for him that he had lost weight, a little disappointed in myself for not finding the motivation to do it myself, but ultimately I was happy in my dress and with the way that I looked on the big day.

After the wedding DH bragged that he had lost 3 stone since January and for the first time I questioned how he had managed it, with very little change in his lifestyle and zero exercise. In hindsight I realise he had been skipping meals and hadn’t had much of an appetite in the run up the the wedding. He was so busy at work so I just put it down to stress and him having a busy brain at the time. He just said he had cut down on his portion sizes and had been drinking less beer.

Anyway, to finally get to my point (thanks if you’ve made it this far)… Earlier today, I mistakenly opened a parcel addressed to him and saw the inside packaging was from an online pharmacy. I then realised my mistake so left the package unopened inside. Apologised to DH when he came home and unaware of any health issues he was having, I questioned what he had been ordering. He was slow to respond and without even opening the package, he told me that a friend at work had played a prank on him and ordered a mounjaro pen for him, basically saying he was fat after seeing the wedding photos (which he isn’t any more anyway). I immediately knew it was rubbish and it didn’t make any sense at all. I looked up the company and as I expected, saw that whoever ordered it would have had to send photos and proof of identity to get the prescription. Challenged DH and he admitted he had lied and apologised. He said he was embarrassed about trying it and he felt stupid for making up a story.

So my question is AIBU to feel really let down and concerned about him keeping this secret and then being dishonest about it? It doesn’t feel like the best start to married life. If he could hide something like this and then make up a ridiculous lie, what else has he hidden from me or lied about? Asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me first or why he had felt the need to lie about it but he hasn’t explained.. He does tend to bury his head in the sand and avoid conflict whenever possible. He would rather just say he is sorry and move on without explaining himself or talking things through. For clarity, if he had told me he wanted to try it, I would have supported him completely. His body, his health, his choice but to hide it from me just feels really dishonest and to be completely honest, it would have made me feel less disappointed in myself, had I known before the wedding what he had been doing to lose the weight.

Always the woman's fault never ever blame the man poor lambs

What would you say if it was a woman choosing not to tell her partner about a medicine she was taking?

Err I would hate it if my DH opened my post!! Unless it’s addressed to both of us.. how controlling.

Exactly. Letting you think that his willpower and effort has led to him succeeding where you hadn't is more than just 'feeling vulnerable'. If you weren't also trying to lose weight it would be different I think.

How would he have felt were the roles reversed?

I’m just thinking of them as two people, and how they’ve acted, and what possibly could be the reasons behind those actions. It really doesn’t matter to me if they are male or female

He decided to prioritise himself and lie to you extensively, when he knew your thoughts and feelings about your weight and the wedding. Boasting to was insensitive, at best.

wouldn’t go along with burying things under the carpet. If he avoids talking about difficult things that’s a problem.

In general agree with other posters that we are all responsible for ourselves, need and get to decide things about our bodies and minds, and what to tell or not tell others.

Same with money, but only up to a point - for example if the cost of the drugs was a lot for your household or you couldn’t as a couple afford for both of you to buy them then it wasn’t fair of him to spend secretly and prioritise himself financially.

non issue really, marriages require give and take. Maybe try it for yourself if you think it might help

The omission would be understandable, but the fact that he wasn't humble about it would give me pause as to his character, for sure.

I wonder whether, when you say ‘we’ decided to try it the proper way first it was more your opinion and he went along with it but for reasons known only to him he didn’t actually agree and didn’t vocalise this.

I think you need to do some honest reflection on the “we discussed it” and “we decided”.

Was that actually the case? Or did you voice your opinion and he agreed with you? He seems conflict avoidant so it’s possible you thought you had an open discussion whereas he had a different opinion and rather than voice it, he agreed with you and then went ahead with it secretly and lied to conceal it.

It’s not necessarily a marriage breaker but it may be something to consider taking to marriage therapy - he needs to understand that the lies are damaging to your relationship and you both need to learn to communicate with each other (and not accept his avoidance). This behavior is not a once off, rather a pattern that he needs to break - but he needs to want to break it.

Yes, I'd be concerned. Because when someone decides to lie to their partner like this its almost always because either they default to lies as the easy route to do what they want; or they feel scared to tell the truth. Sometimes the second one is because they feel controlled, sometimes it's learned behaviour from being controlled in the past.
Either way, it's a problem, because it often means whenever they suspect a clash between what they want and what you'll approve of, rather than be assertive and open and state their intentions, they will go along with you and lie.
This may be a one off, but its a pretty big secret and he's hid it well, which most 'honest' people would have struggled to do.
I think you need a conversation that's focused on why he lied, rather than he did a terrible thing by lying. The last won't address the cause and just teaches him getting caught is the problem. Then it may be a matter of making sure he knows he can do what he wants and doesn't have to go along with you and then lie.
But it's a hard habit to break, so I do think you'll need to factor in that what he says and what is the truth won't always be the same.

I’m not really sure it’s that deep to be honest. Two years ago I lost a stone on Ozempic, I didn’t tell my husband because he just wouldn’t understand basically.

I also have Botox, cheek fillers, and an annual skin boosters. I don’t tell him purely because the concept of regularly having loads of injections in my face I think would freak him out!

No reflection on anyone’s marriage he probably was struggling to lose the weight and thought that you might not respond in the way he wanted you to or you might not be understanding. I think you just need to get the root of why he felt he had to hide it from you, would you have responded negatively?

I’m on Mounjaro. I spent a long time doing my research and deciding whether it was right for me and didn’t discuss that thought process with DH. I did tell him that’s what I’d decided to do once my first pen arrived - not seeking permission, more out of courtesy I suppose. Aside from anything else I felt he should know in case I suddenly became ill, had an accident or something and doctors needed to know what medication I was on. He thought it was a bit daft, but accepted it was my decision and paid for out of my money. He also had a word when I was clearly on too high a dose and became quite underweight/started to look ill, he was right and I dropped down to minimum dose and look much better.

As someone on MJ for over a year, I recently only told people how I managed to lose weight. I didn’t tell people initially because it feels like cheating and people (especially thin people) see it as cheating, because they have never had to deal with food noise. Getting to a mindset where you realise it is a medication for a condition like any other medication can be a huge leap. It’s medication for an addiction.
Im not defending his lie, but he obviously felt somewhat ashamed by not being able to “eat healthy/less and exercise” to lose weight like “everyone else”, or in my husbands case, just stop drinking beer for 2 months to lose weight! Also, by the sounds of it you had discussed WLI together already and you were more against it than he was. WLI have been around for decades, they aren’t a new fangled thing, it’s just they are now available through private prescription. Most of us have thought long and hard about the route we’ve chosen, after countless “eat less exercise more” attempts. My NSV is being able to open a share bag of malteasers and them lasting a whole week (and even then I forget I have them) rather than one sitting.

If anything he should have told you when he realised you could feel disapointed you had not lost weight. He should naturally have put your feelings above his vanity. Tell him! If he is an inherently 'good' person he will get better with time. It takes some people a while to trust and share things with others. If hes prone to avoid conflict its probably his go to and you need to spell out the impact that will have on your partnership. On the other hand bet there's a shed load of women jabbing lips and cheeks on a regular basis who claim 'its natural'!!

I can’t stand lying. He hid this for months. It would make me question everything he said going forward. It would be a big issue for me.

I think he should have told you OP.. imo it's wrong to take medication without telling your partner. What if he'd had terrible side effects or a nasty reaction ?
I think it's a poor show this early in the marriage and you need to be hanging serious words that he needs to be more open with you going forward.
X

This is what I thought when reading the post.
He clearly didn't agree with trying it the proper way first, why he didn't just say that , none of us can know .
There's also a difference between secrecy and privacy.
He kept his mounjaro use private. But the lying about it turned it into secrecy, which would annoy me. How do you accidentally open mail addressed to someone else?

It’s not early in the relationship though. They’ve been together for 9 years and avoiding discussions and ignoring issues until the OP stops talking about them has been described as the DH’s usual behaviour. That’s not been a big issue until now, clearly, otherwise they wouldn’t still be together and they wouldn’t have got married.

Keeping his medical info private I understand and I think this may be common. HRT, anti depressants, even the extent of how severe a diagnosis is.

What is more of a concern to me is him avoiding conflict. That may be what eventually ruins your marriage. Sometimes it frustrates the hell out of the partner. Other times the conflict avoidant people pleases and simmers with resentment. This can turn into contempt. Other times they just say what you want to hear and do it behind your back anyway.

FightRight by Gottman explains conflict and how to have constructive conflict.

For him a peaceful life may seem easier but it is unlikely to be easier forever. (I assume he wants to be married to you forever).

Now I am older I wouldn’t entertain a man who is conflict avoidant or a people pleaser. As @rwalker he didn’t mention it for a quiet life instead he did it anyway and didn’t tell you. So in effect he lied. Is this a common tactic of his? Lie and do it anyway? Look at how he behaves with family, friends and colleagues - does he lie to avoid uncomfy conversations?

@Smartypantsloves , please read the above response carefully. Men are often particularly vulnerable to feeling embarrassed about not being in control, I suspect your husband felt much as the lady who gave the above response.
You have a wider and more important issue which is that you say your husband doesn’t want to discuss in any detail any issues you may have, I would try and sort that out as soon as you can because in my experience open, honest communication is imperative in a good relationship. If you want him to be honest with you in future I’d give him a big hug tell him you love him and that he can talk to you about anything. Good luck!

I’m married to a man who often lies and it can be about big things (affair) or ridiculously small things. I don’t know why my dh lies so much but I wonder if it’s to do with his childhood of not wanting to get into trouble etc? I heard him lie to his mum and others too.
My advice would be to seek counselling now - if he’s willing. It’s heartbreaking to live with someone you’re supposed to trust and not be able to. I think taking Mounjaro and not telling you is a big thing to lie about as you had discussed it before. It’s not just that he didn’t tell you, he lied by omission and then lied to try and cover it up.
I hope you manage to get through this and it’s just a rocky start to a good, long and happy marriage.

I told my husband in case I got any severe side effects and needed to go to the hospital. I didnt tell anyone else, only him. I feel it would have been irresponsible to keep it from him. This is something to consider.

I'm on the jabs. Haven't discussed it with my husband simply cos I am so sick of the endless cycle of weight talk that has just endlessly gone round in a circle for years!

I get it. He didn’t want to talk about it. But I also get that you’re a bit upset. Don’t blow it out of proportion. It’s not an earth shattering thing.