Husband lied about being on mounjaro

[Smartypantsloves]

First time poster so please be kind. Not sure if I’m over reacting so reaching out to see how others would feel in my position.

Bit of a backstory. Recently married. DH and I both wanted to lose weight before the wedding. He succeeded and lost a couple of stone within a relatively short space of time, whilst I completely failed. We had briefly talked about mounjaro, but never very seriously (or so I thought). We talked about being worried about any long term effects and both said we would prefer to go down the healthy eating/exercise route first. Fast forward to the wedding. I was happy for him that he had lost weight, a little disappointed in myself for not finding the motivation to do it myself, but ultimately I was happy in my dress and with the way that I looked on the big day.

After the wedding DH bragged that he had lost 3 stone since January and for the first time I questioned how he had managed it, with very little change in his lifestyle and zero exercise. In hindsight I realise he had been skipping meals and hadn’t had much of an appetite in the run up the the wedding. He was so busy at work so I just put it down to stress and him having a busy brain at the time. He just said he had cut down on his portion sizes and had been drinking less beer.

Anyway, to finally get to my point (thanks if you’ve made it this far)… Earlier today, I mistakenly opened a parcel addressed to him and saw the inside packaging was from an online pharmacy. I then realised my mistake so left the package unopened inside. Apologised to DH when he came home and unaware of any health issues he was having, I questioned what he had been ordering. He was slow to respond and without even opening the package, he told me that a friend at work had played a prank on him and ordered a mounjaro pen for him, basically saying he was fat after seeing the wedding photos (which he isn’t any more anyway). I immediately knew it was rubbish and it didn’t make any sense at all. I looked up the company and as I expected, saw that whoever ordered it would have had to send photos and proof of identity to get the prescription. Challenged DH and he admitted he had lied and apologised. He said he was embarrassed about trying it and he felt stupid for making up a story.

So my question is AIBU to feel really let down and concerned about him keeping this secret and then being dishonest about it? It doesn’t feel like the best start to married life. If he could hide something like this and then make up a ridiculous lie, what else has he hidden from me or lied about? Asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me first or why he had felt the need to lie about it but he hasn’t explained.. He does tend to bury his head in the sand and avoid conflict whenever possible. He would rather just say he is sorry and move on without explaining himself or talking things through. For clarity, if he had told me he wanted to try it, I would have supported him completely. His body, his health, his choice but to hide it from me just feels really dishonest and to be completely honest, it would have made me feel less disappointed in myself, had I known before the wedding what he had been doing to lose the weight.

@HoppingPavlova Just because you don’t know what your partner takes, and you actively choose to not know, that doesn’t mean that everyone is the same. I know what my DH takes. He knows what I take. I’m the one who takes our prescriptions to be filled each month. I tell him when he needs to go to the GP and get a new script. We attend specialist appointments with each other. We are fully involved in each other’s health. I’ve had a chronic illness our whole marriage, and DH has developed one in the past decade so we’ve had to be involved in each other’s health.

I find it odd you wrote 'I mistakenly opened a package addressed to him' I believe there should be absolutely no secrets within marriage including being first to open mail arriving to the home. If the opportunity is there to keep one secret from your partner it's offering the opportunity to have many.

This is my take on it as a mounjaro user. People are very against it if they don’t like the idea. I haven’t told several people who are openly very anti, really because it’d be embarrassing for them. My husband is a medic so was very open with him, he thinks it’s an excellent drug.

Congratulate DH on his weight loss.
Admit he looks perfect.

Claim that he needs to lose no more.
Use the rest of the pens that will arrive for him, for yourself.
Lose the weight that you wanted.
Both have a decent try at sticking with a healthy diet and not lying any more.

Id have been nervous to tell my now ex partner as hes hugely judgey about these things. But a partner of 9 years letting me think he'd done it on his own, really poor form and i dont think I could stay with them. Im not on the jabs at all but surely you share these things with your partner?

Lots of people ARE judgy. It’s hard enough dealing with the othering being fat to have it from people around you you care about because you choose to change.

people can be really horrible if you lose weight.

luckily for me I’ve lost weight before and kept it off pre WLI availability so I have a track record of doing it.

im just making it easier on myself now.

I think the worst part is that you were trying too then carrying that sense of failure because you didn't but he did. YANBU to feel upset and deceived. I wonder looking back was the discussion really as you say, was it "we decided..' or you felt strongly against injections and he nodded along privately disagreeing. It would tie in with a non confrontation trait. I think you need to find out why he did it behind your back, why he felt ashamed and why he let you feel like you failed. I suspect he didn't think of your perspective at all and thought you look lovely as you are and hated the way he looked but was too ashamed. Either way a big chat is needed. I don't think the narrative 'if you lie about this what else do you lie about' is necessarily true. People aren't black and white honest / dishonest. I think I'm very open with DH but recently told him I only read on MN and never post cos I know he would be complaining about it and worrying about privacy etc. It doesn't mean I'm deceiving him elsewhere.

Love this plan!

For me the lies when caught would be worse than hiding his actions.

This is the real worry:

”He does tend to bury his head in the sand and avoid conflict whenever possible. He would rather just say he is sorry and move on without explaining himself or talking things through.”

This sounds immature and worrying. A lifetime with someone who lies to avoid conflict and doesn’t take accountability is going to be hard. Can you talk to him about this?

I don’t think that’s the same situation. OP and her husband were trying to lose weight together, and OP was feeling disappointed that she hadn’t managed it while he was talking about how much he’d managed to lose.

I don't think it's good that he lied to you and that he didn't tell you he was using MJ - it doesn't say anything good about his character especially letting you think you were failing when he had a massive advantage and that's why he lost weight

Agree you should consider using it if you want to but don't use his - he might be on a higher dose than you start on so do your own plan if you want to

Personally, as the person who has been lied to in our marriage, I’d see it as a red flag. If he can lie this easily he’ll do it again and again. Like you say, he buries his head in the sand and moves on, so gets away with it.
Eventually you will become resentful.

So have you lied to your DH? Because imo there's a difference between not telling him and lying about it. I've been on MJ for over 2 years, only my DH, DD and a couple of very close friends actually know that I am on it. My body, my business. But actually lying to your partner about it is something else.

From a medical point of view, it's incredibly stupid to be taking regular medication and not informing your partner about it. If he had a medical emergency, it's so important that medics know what regular medication you're taking.

That he would conceal that from you is very worrying, to be honest. Anyone taking Mounjaro is at greater risk of gallstones or pancreatitis, the latter of which can be very serious.

It's the outright lying that would upset me, Op.

I'd be annoyed too. Mostly because it was something that you were doing together and because you felt bad about not getting the same results as him when he had help! And he bragged about it! Silly boy.

YANBU. He lied and lied about taking a medication (which we don’t know the long term effects of for taking purely for weight loss). He wasn’t taking it for medical reasons.

Where you go from this I’m not sure. I guess you have to try and trust that he won’t lie to you about anything else but yeah it would put a bit of a damper on the pre-wedding time for me. You thought you were in this together and he covered it up so I’m not surprised you feel deceived.

Would you say when you discussed the injections before the wedding that you led the better to do with diet and exercise debate, and he just agreed with you? Do you think he lacks confidence to express his real feelings. I’d feel annoyed that I didn’t have the full picture and therefore didn’t have the same chance to lose weight at that point, however I’m getting the feeling that he doesn’t feel able to put his own points across, doesn’t want to upset you and therefore is doing things without you knowing

Your husband might think it is a reflection on your marriage

I’d be annoyed at the gloating and lying. You both discussed it beforehand and he felt competitive and wanted to guarantee weight loss so he went behind your back.

If he was just doing it in secret because he didn’t want to admit how he was doing it I’d feel sympathy but you both discussed losing weight before the wedding and he knew you were trying and failing. Instead of admitting how he was succeeding he seems to have been boasting. I think that speaks poorly of him. He should have said to you how he did it, as he should have known you felt bad and like a failure.

As an aside you said with hindsight he hadn’t changed his lifestyle and did zero exercise. All he did was skip meals and not eat as big portions. If you were doing it naturally that’s how you’d do it too surely? Exercise isn’t needed to lose weight. It’s healthy and good for you but it’s not very effective at losing weight as you can’t out run a bad diet.

How do you open a parcel addressed to someone else “by accident” 🤔

I think he has a right to privacy. There's still a bit of stigma about using WLIs. And it's not an awful thing to keep from you. I strongly believe you are still entitled to some privacy in a marriage.

Of course spouses should know if the other is on munjaro. Your marriage is probably not great if you can’t share something like that.

It is a reflection on your marriage it's a total lack of honesty. If you can't find the will power you should be able to admit that to the man you love, who lives you to pretend and lie to someone so close to you speaks volumes about you by and your marriage