Husband lied about being on mounjaro

[Smartypantsloves]

First time poster so please be kind. Not sure if I’m over reacting so reaching out to see how others would feel in my position.

Bit of a backstory. Recently married. DH and I both wanted to lose weight before the wedding. He succeeded and lost a couple of stone within a relatively short space of time, whilst I completely failed. We had briefly talked about mounjaro, but never very seriously (or so I thought). We talked about being worried about any long term effects and both said we would prefer to go down the healthy eating/exercise route first. Fast forward to the wedding. I was happy for him that he had lost weight, a little disappointed in myself for not finding the motivation to do it myself, but ultimately I was happy in my dress and with the way that I looked on the big day.

After the wedding DH bragged that he had lost 3 stone since January and for the first time I questioned how he had managed it, with very little change in his lifestyle and zero exercise. In hindsight I realise he had been skipping meals and hadn’t had much of an appetite in the run up the the wedding. He was so busy at work so I just put it down to stress and him having a busy brain at the time. He just said he had cut down on his portion sizes and had been drinking less beer.

Anyway, to finally get to my point (thanks if you’ve made it this far)… Earlier today, I mistakenly opened a parcel addressed to him and saw the inside packaging was from an online pharmacy. I then realised my mistake so left the package unopened inside. Apologised to DH when he came home and unaware of any health issues he was having, I questioned what he had been ordering. He was slow to respond and without even opening the package, he told me that a friend at work had played a prank on him and ordered a mounjaro pen for him, basically saying he was fat after seeing the wedding photos (which he isn’t any more anyway). I immediately knew it was rubbish and it didn’t make any sense at all. I looked up the company and as I expected, saw that whoever ordered it would have had to send photos and proof of identity to get the prescription. Challenged DH and he admitted he had lied and apologised. He said he was embarrassed about trying it and he felt stupid for making up a story.

So my question is AIBU to feel really let down and concerned about him keeping this secret and then being dishonest about it? It doesn’t feel like the best start to married life. If he could hide something like this and then make up a ridiculous lie, what else has he hidden from me or lied about? Asked him why he hadn’t discussed it with me first or why he had felt the need to lie about it but he hasn’t explained.. He does tend to bury his head in the sand and avoid conflict whenever possible. He would rather just say he is sorry and move on without explaining himself or talking things through. For clarity, if he had told me he wanted to try it, I would have supported him completely. His body, his health, his choice but to hide it from me just feels really dishonest and to be completely honest, it would have made me feel less disappointed in myself, had I known before the wedding what he had been doing to lose the weight.

He definitely wasn’t keeping anything in the fridge as I would have noticed. Unfortunately, I spend entirely too much time in there, which is part of the problem! 😂 and nope no bruises either 🤷🏼‍♀️

Don't you think he needs to know in case you experience side effects? He would say no she is not on any medication when in fact you would be and it could adversely affect the care you receive.

I’m well aware of that thank you, which is why I apologised for mistakenly opening his parcel. I don’t disagree with his right to privacy but think I’m allowed to be concerned when he outright lies to me. That’s not the sort of marriage I want.

There’sa lack of team spirit here that would make me really angry. He’s supposed to be your mate in life. You were both facing weight loss challenges. Why didn’t he let you in on it?

I don’t think this is that uncommon. I have a friend who lost a shit load of weight, and never admits it was through the jabs to anyone. I only know because I stayed at her house and saw it in her fridge! I guess the problem is, once one person knows, you can’t guarantee it will stay private. Even if that person is your partner. It was obviously very important to him that no one else finds out.

Interesting perspective, but this didn’t feel like a harmless, white lie. As I said, I might have felt less like a failure if I’d known his weight loss was achieved with additional help, but that’s a separate issue really and not what has upset me the most. And each to their own but in my marriage I want my DH to be feel able to share any concerns about health issues with me so that I can support him through whatever comes, and vice versa.

I had considered this as well.

I'm sure everyone wants a marriage where they feel able to share their health concerns, but I'm not sure everyone wants a marriage where they're expected to. Not before they're ready, anyway.

He could just have been sensitive about it.

But I would be a little concerned that it might be more of a way of not engaging or taking you into account. If the initial "let's do it without injections" decision was more him just keeping you happy, saying what he thought you wanted to hear and going off and doing what he wanted behind your back.

It's not a given at all. But maybe something to have at the back of your mind incase there are other examples further down the line.

You can opt to share with your GP so it’s on your medical record.

But why the secrecy when you had discussed it

This is an easy question to answer. Everyone and his dog has an opinion on WLIs. Usually a negative one - OP herself says they discussed it and 'We talked about being worried about any long term effects and both said we would prefer to go down the healthy eating/exercise route first'.

I mean the assumptions there. ..it's loaded. Massively. I am a long term user, down 6 stone. People have no clue. I have made massive changes - including healthy eating and exercise. Why would I not? It's costing me a fortune! People are weird in how they approach it but if asked directly and sensibly, I will tell the truth. But plenty have approached me with a giggle and a gossip, like it's funny to them, in which case I have been far less open. In one case, I literally nodded, smiled and walked away.

It works. Leave us be with the assumptions, ill-informed misunderstanding of how WLIs work and the gossip. I totally get why some people choose to keep their medical choices private.

I see why you’re perturbed @Smartypantsloves

I agree with others that it is different as you had made an agreement, he broke it, then lied. I don’t think you are overreacting

We all have the right to confidentiality about medical matters. Marriage does not automatically change that.

I can't stand a liar but then I spent over 10 years being gaslit by a liar of an ex so its a touchy subject for me.

My husband has been on it since April I'm not supposed to know. But the side effects from it when he increases the dosage, the mood swings, the bruises on his stomach are such a give away,. Never mind the credit card statements . He lies to anyone who enquires. I've told our adult children because of the erratic moods. It's such a bore now because he will no longer go out socially as we used to because he said he doesn't want to see me stuffing my face when he can't. He queries what others eat too even our grandson to his face which has caused a row because I said he wasn't to do that.

Nope. I’ve been married for decades and I’ve never told him about any medication I’m on. Why would I? He is not my Dr so why would I tell him? If I have a relevant health concern I’d tell him (but I’m sure I have several I haven’t mentioned as no direct relevance to him and I’d just have to explain and he has no medical background so I find it frustrating).

I also don’t know exactly what medication DH is on unless I go through the medicine basket, and why would I bother with that? He has a GP I’m happy with, see’s specialists I’m confident in, so I can’t see how it’s relevant to me. I assume he tells me of any relevant health conditions (so I could guess roughly what meds he would take) but it’s really up to him what he tells me.

For me I would find the lying bad enough but I would try to understand. I’m losing weight with slimming world and was looking into the jabs/ pills and I’m not sure I would have told anyone. What would bother me is the bragging about it. I have lost 2 stone since I got married and I’m not too happy about how I look in my pictures so if you were trying to lose weight and he is rubbing it in about how he looks then that would piss me off

For those who think it’s fine to keep it from their spouse about WLIs, do you realise how serious it is if you need a general anaesthetic, and particularly if it’s an emergency situation?

In an emergency situation I’m guessing that the spouse would be asked about medications and health conditions while they’re busy prepping the patient and attempting to keep them alive. WLIs delay gastric emptying. When someone on WLIs needs a GA they need to undergo additional fasting before surgery. In my country it’s a standard 6 hour fast before a GA, and some fluid restrictions. For a WLI patient it’s an additional 24 hour fast with clear fluids only, then a modified 6 hour fast with tighter restrictions on fluids. Thirty hours of fasting in total. That’s so the WLI patient’s stomach will be empty enough to not pose the risk of aspirating the contents while under GA.

In the event of the stomach not being sufficiently fasted and empty the anaesthetist can administer a large IV dose of a particular antibiotic beforehand and the stomach will be empty within about 15 minutes. Knowing that the patient is taking WLI means that a small invention can lead to a much safer surgery and better outcome.

@Smartypantsloves I’d be pissed off and angry that DH had kept it from me. Really shitty way to start a marriage. I’d be wondering what else he’s lying about or keeping from me.

People keep mentioning bruises from WLI. Why? Not everyone bruises. Both my DH and I am on them and neither of us bruise.

I know so many people on Mounjaro and similar who keep it a massive secret, and some.of those who still religiously go to their slimming world/weight watchers groups and scoop up the applause and slimmer of the week awards. The mind boggles.

If he actively saw you struggling with not losing weight and omitted to tell you I think it’s pretty awful tbh. In general as a couple I personally think you chat about most things in life, it’s a pretty huge aspect of life to not talk about and I disagree with someone withholding something, in the least if something happened health wise and they ask you what he’s on it’s a big thing to leave out

I do understand his perspective feeling vulnerable around weight loss and taking the drugs, but as someone who was married to man who would always choose to lie than be vulnerable, this would be a massive red flag to me. There is also a difference between mutually agreed privacy and actively lying about something when directly asked. I wouldn’t be angry, but I would be very concerned about the future of your relationship.

I’d suggest couples counselling now to try to work on your communication. This isn’t about the weight loss, it’s about why he didn’t feel he could be honest with you. I bet there are other examples in your relationship too. I don’t suppose he was at boarding school was he (projecting!)?

@FeralWoman While that’s all correct, I can tell you not many partners know what their other half takes, the most you get is ‘they take something for blood pressure, I can’t remember the name, oh yes, it’s (and they give the name of something not remotely related to bp)’. So, while knowing if someone is on a WLI is handy in this scenario, there’s a lot of stuff like this that would be handy for purposes of interactions etc but even when couples ‘share’ this information, the output you get is often rubbish and you’d be better off carrying a card/list in your purse or wallet than sharing the info with your partner.

I’ve been using a low dose of wegovy.

thr only person who knows is one best mate. And my employer as they’re helping with the support.

my new partner doesn’t. My other best mate doesn’t. Will I tell them? Not sure.

am I lying? Not really because I have done the massive lifestyle change too. New job. Exercise regularly and my diet has changed. I’ve gone from 3 k average steps to 7k and weekend walks with the new man that have been as much ast 30k 😳

ive used it as it’s supposed to be used. To kickstart everything and I’ve just stayed on a low dose.

im perimenopausal and a carer. when I started my mental health was in the bin and there was no way o could’ve even started without help. I can’t do it all but HAD to lose weight for the new job as I’ll be working at height and there are limits for the safety gear and I was on the cusp of being too heavy.

I feel much better. My sleep is still shite and the drug is curbing those omg I didn’t sleep well sugar cravings whilst I wait to get some hormone support.

The think is when you say WE agreed you weren’t listening
he obviously wanted to do mounjaroand didn’t stand upto you and agreed for a quite life and told you what you wanted to hear

in all honesty if he would of been honest and just put his foot down and say he’s going to take it how would of you reacted in all would you of just gone ok then

The fact he is avoidant and refuses to discuss difficult topics in general, would be very difficult for me. I am not sure I could have married someone so incapable of resolving conflicts in a grownup way.