Flower girl dispute with friend, DDs unhappy, help.

[FGDil]

My friend's daughter is getting married next year. My friend called me and told me her daughter wanted my DD (6) to be her flower girl. DD6 is quite quiet and doesn't want to be the flower girl. My friend said I should make her do it for her daughter. I told her I don't make my DD do things she doesn't want to do. In the background of the phone call, my DD8 was hopping up and down saying she would be flower girl. I suggested this to my friend. My friend said crossly, "She doesn't want DD8! She wants DD6!" I just told her, "Well, she can't have her." My friend is now not speaking to me and my DD8 feels rejected and has been grumpy with her sister in the day since this chat. I tried to explain to DD8 that she just wants DD6 because she is small and doesn't want an older child, it's not personal. I talked to DD6 and told her about getting to wear something special and she still won't have anything to do with it. So that's not happening. Did I handle this badly? Please tell me it will all blow over with the girls.

I wish bridezillas would focus on the marriage rather than the Instagram photos, because that's what this seems to be about really.

Cruel to ask one child and not the other because she may not be as ‘cute’ on the photos. I’d veto the whole thing. They sound like horrible shallow people.

With such close ages I would have said no when both weren’t asked to be honest! Yanbu

I don’t understand why you would have had that conversation within either child’s earshot?

More ridiculous bride behaviour.
She doesn't sound much of a friend tbh.

I would have said no as soon as I realised she only wanted one of my daughters. And these conversations should not have involved the children.

Yeah this.

DD6 is cute and I've been told I should get her into modelling by many people, which I won't. It probably doesn't help that another friend named her baby after DD6 just because she was so cute. She told my girls this when she announced the name to them. DD6 gets a lot of attention. I'm worried the future relationship of my children is going to be bad.

She should rent herself a stunt child!

Very small house. Hard not to. I should have told her that I'd call her back later. That ship has sailed now.

I feel sorry for your dd8.

You need to ensure that others blatant favouritism of your dd6 doesn't impact your dd8. However so far you seem to be encouraging it.

What a way to give the 8 year old issues! Sorry, you just aren’t cute enough!
And no pressure dd6 but it’s all about your looks. It’s a life time of issues for both daughters!

Neither child should be aware of this, it shouldn’t be discussed near them.

I would drop the friend and anyone else that wants to use my child as an accessory.

But then you told dd8 it’s because her sister is smaller and younger and tried to talk dd6 into it.

Exactly. Your dd8 will be affected by this for years - potential low self esteem and resent. Awful.

Be careful how you handle things going forwards. I would suggest that you shut down talk about appearances quickly for DD8's sake. Do not allow people to compliment or comment on DD6. In future anything like this needs to be spoken of away from the girls and it's both or neither.

I agree. The bigger the wedding, the more likely you are to get divorced. If the wedding is the most important day, it doesn’t bode well for the marriage.

So your younger daughter is ‘cute’, and her older sister not so much? They may still be very young, but both will be aware that DD6 is sometimes favoured by outsiders. You should not have accepted your friend’s invitation for just one of them to be flower girl.

This tricky situation would have required a calm, in-person discussion with your friend. Instead you tried to bully your younger daughter into doing something she doesn’t want to do. You then made it worse by trying to bully your friend to accept DD8 as a second(ary) flower girl. And had it out with friend on the phone, where you could be overheard.

Clearly not your finest hour. You absolutely have to make sure that you treat your daughters equally in future.

Absolutely no way I'd allow one child to be flower girl and not their sibling. That way lies serious resentment, especially if it's already noticeable that DD6 is more beautiful than her sister. Yes of course the conversation should have been held out of earshot but I presume you were caught unawares. Does the bride have children or siblings? I struggle to see how anyone could think this is ok. I don't allow my son's godfather to give presents to him without us quickly bringing one out for little sister. Children cannot understand why one gets special treatment and one doesn't. Or rather, they might understand but that doesn't stop the feelings of hurt and being left out.

Is thia the most important thing about her?

DD 8 is quite pretty in her own right. I think part of the attraction to DD 6 is her quiet nature, which people find charming. DD 8 is more extroverted.

I can't help it if friends introduce their new baby with the announcement that they named it after DD 6 before I even know they are about to say it. Or stop people commenting as it's out of their mouths before I could stop it.

Are wedding normally only discussed in hushed tones and away from children, like murder and pornography..?

I remember being forced to be flower girl at age 5 along another, she cried a lot and kept running away from photos and anyone staring at her. I was painfully shy and hated every minute of it! I felt annoyed as my parents and cousin knew I didn’t want to do it but was forced to. You should listen to your daughter and not your friend. Children are not accessories.

I'm not making her do it.

It wasn’t about the wedding. It was telling someone her youngest doesn’t want to do it, necessitating some explanation of her shyness, anxiety etc, and in front of the excluded eldest who desperately DID want to do it. You disagree that much of the OP’s current issue arose because her daughters heard what she was saying?!

Sorry I think you’re being slightly ridiculous that OP should’ve psychically known what would transpire before having a very normal phone call.