Flower girl dispute with friend, DDs unhappy, help.

[FGDil]

My friend's daughter is getting married next year. My friend called me and told me her daughter wanted my DD (6) to be her flower girl. DD6 is quite quiet and doesn't want to be the flower girl. My friend said I should make her do it for her daughter. I told her I don't make my DD do things she doesn't want to do. In the background of the phone call, my DD8 was hopping up and down saying she would be flower girl. I suggested this to my friend. My friend said crossly, "She doesn't want DD8! She wants DD6!" I just told her, "Well, she can't have her." My friend is now not speaking to me and my DD8 feels rejected and has been grumpy with her sister in the day since this chat. I tried to explain to DD8 that she just wants DD6 because she is small and doesn't want an older child, it's not personal. I talked to DD6 and told her about getting to wear something special and she still won't have anything to do with it. So that's not happening. Did I handle this badly? Please tell me it will all blow over with the girls.

It's all a bit odd of the bride - her friend's mum's daughter? Are there no small girls who are closer to her, either members of her family or her own friend's children rather than her mum's friends?

If your younger daughter has been chosen purely on the basis of her looks, I find that a bit nauseating, to be quite honest.

You have done nothing wrong, OP. You could hardly force your younger DD to do it against her wishes - that would have been completely unfair. You offered an alternative - your older DD was happy to do it - so you didn't leave them without options.

It's unfortunate that this has led to some resentment between your daughters but it will blow over, don't make any more of a thing of it.

If DD6 is objectively 'more attractive' than DD8 and that remains the case as they grow up, it's something DD8 is going to have to learn to live with. My younger sister (similar age gap) has always been better looking than me - but as you get older, people know you independently rather than as one of two sisters, being compared is really a childhood thing. Don't make a thing of it, and don't encourage them to link their worth to their appearance.

It's still about the look, though, isn't it? I know it's tempting, but I don't think we should encourage this aesthetic in girls.
Can you do something with them both instead of going to the wedding?
(dives down under parapet!).

Not everyone lives in the White House, out of earshot of my daughter would be in the street, with house windows closed.

She really didnt. 😂Believe me.
You think your child is so uniquely beguiling that parents in the first flush of adoration of their own perfect newborn are so bedazzled by your child that that's why they chose a name?
Bonkers

That's cruel of them to ask the 6 yr old but not her 8yr old sister. I would have said no.
If you loose the friendship, then you're better off.

I know - you're right though. I understand that you're trying to do the right thing for both of your daughters, and somehow it's just become this thing based on appearance and perceived personality.
Just don't be part of it.

You need to stick up for your daughters more. This include DD6 whose relationship with her sister needs protecting. I wouldn't have entertained one child being asked while the other just two years older isn't. If people say stuff you can ask them not to and it they refuse don't spend time with them.

This reminds me of two sisters I grew up with.Very close in age. One was a large girl, very tall for her age, broad,large hands and feet with fine brown hair.

The younger one was very petite, loads of curly auburn hair, small and dainty. This was the 80s when people weren't as careful as they are now. The 'less aesthetically pleasing' sister became very quiet and withdrawn as she grew older and although I've lost touch with them both now, I know they didn't speak for many years. One incident was very similar to this, not a wedding but rather a friend wanting to take the 'cute' one to an exclusive flower show or something where photos would be in the magazine. Their Mum handled it badly, I only saw it through a child's then young person's eyes but she relished in the attention one of her daughters had and didn't address the imbalance at all.

Yeah, I thought that was weird. Apart from anything, what if their child is not as cute? Is she expected to live up to the OP’s child in terms of “cuteness”?

Some weddings are in that bracket of scary

Especially if someone is telling an eight year old they won't cut it as flower girl

I would be talking to your eldest about how toxic social media is etc. About people wanting her little sister because of how they perceive it will look with her being smaller and younger looking etc not because they think she is better.

Also how you look as children nears no reflection on who you are as people or how you turn out in looks or personality. That DD8 is very attractive qualities, is confident and that is so important and of course she is beautiful too but doesn’t tick tick cute little flower girl box that these strange people want.

That what marriage is and that a big white wedding is one day etc.

I think people are being a bit harsh on the OP - yes, she didn't handle it quite right but I think she was trying to find a balance where she wasn't trying to force one daughter to be involved in the wedding when she didn't want to but giving an opportunity to the other one who did. The real fault here lies with OP's friend/her daughter for only wanting the "cute" child to be involved in the wedding - it's really mean behaviour to exclude one sibling from the invitation.

OP, if your "friend" ends your friendship and uninvites your family from her daughter's wedding because of this, it doesn't sound like any great loss. If she was a good friend she would have told her daughter "FGDil is a close friend of mine and it would be upsetting to only ask one of her daughters to be a flower girl. So we need to ask both of them or neither of them". She sounds like she's turned into Mother of the Bridezilla and is reinforcing her daughter's silly behaviour - so if you don't get to go to the wedding, never mind. Take your daughters to do something lovely that day instead.

Also, you need to let go of the fixation with your younger DD's looks - being a very cute child doesn't mean she's going to turn into some sort of supermodel. I had a friend at school who did modelling at primary age because she was an adorable-looking child, she turned into a fairly pretty teenager and is now an absolutely ordinary-looking adult. You can't stop people complimenting her, but you can just thank them and get on with your day, and make sure both of your daughters know that their value comes from how they behave, not how they look.

The shallowness is dripping from this thread.

Perhaps your friend was having a bridezilla moment, but if she doesn't apologise for her crass behaviour and you don't have reason to think that she will become more thoughtful and kind after the wedding, the friendship is probably over. 'I don't want DD8' - honestly, what a thing to say to her mum, even without knowing that DD8 was listening.

Being asked yo be a flower girl is an honour. Most little girls will jump at it.She will easily find someone else. Do not give it another thought

Where are you seeing evidence of her encouraging it? She has said she isn't forcing her to be a flower girl and suggested her older daughter could do it instead. She also said she is not going to get her involved in modelling, despite others' encouragement.

Sorry - you didn't handle this well at all.

Bridezilla is being exactly that - obsessed with her carefully curated photos etc. How did we get here as a society?

You @FGDil on the other hand - should have taken that call elsewhere at a different time and place where you could talk freely away from the children.

You also should have respected DD6 decision and just communicated that politely.

You should not have tried to "sub" DD8 into the role. That was not what was asked. Bride asked for DD6 - DD6 doesn't want to do it, end of conversation.

Trying to sub DD8 in her place was not a good idea - for the Bride or for your daughter.

I hope you are affirming and reassuring DD8 because from your short post, the focus on looks and cuteness is going to drive a wedge between your DDs if not checked. I have 2 DDs and came from a family of 4 girls so hopefully I know a little bit about what I am talking about. Please try to celebrate things other than cuteness and "could have been a model" etc.

They sound selfish and thoughtless. I wouldn’t dream of asking one without the other & even if DD6 had agreed I would have declined as what the heck is that saying to DD8. Nah! Leave them to it. Maybe they can hire one! 😆

Not only is it going to drive a wedge, but the psychological impact on the older daughter could follow her into adulthood.

I don't put the value on looks you think I do but the world seems to and I have to deal with it.

You don't just have to accept this. You can make more of an effort to protect your daughters from hearing comments that will affect them. You can talk to your friends and family (when your children aren't around) and tell them to stop with all the comments about your younger daughter being so cute and adorable. Explain to them how these comments will affect both girls and you want them treated equally, and you don't want them to grow up with self esteem issues. You can't do anything much about what friends have already said, but you can certainly do something to help prevent any further occurences.

End any similar telephone calls or in person conversations by saying you'll discuss it at a more suitable time, don't feel pressured into asking your girls something without thinking through how it might bother both of them, both short-term and long-term.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. Goodness knows I’ve had some conversations in front of my children that I probably shouldn’t have had - it wasn’t because of some special evilness on my part but more because the conversation went in a direction that I wasn’t expecting.

I am quite weirded out by people making a fuss of one child’s looks without considering the other but I can believe it; people are annoying and inconsiderate. I remember a set of identical twins at my junior school (admittedly in the dark ages) where one sister was considered very slightly prettier and it upset the other a lot.

Children who are praised for being “cute” (by the world, rather than the OP who sounds sensible enough) sometimes find it hard when they start to grow up. Having people say “Ohhhhh … you used to be so cute” to a gangly thirteen year old isn’t all that great.

You should be, she has a very valid point.

Katie, I am happy to discuss valid points about this, as you have no doubt seen. At university I studied Eysenck, it was fascinating. I am vexed at very young girls being put through the wedding scenario we have before us, and there is debate to be had.
What I'm not up for is some silly tit for tat resulting in capitalised insults. Not my bag.

I think the approach needs to be you and your girls agreeing how silly the friend is being, and it doesn’t sound fun at all for either of the girls. 🧒 I’d avoid the whole fiasco.

A bridesmaid based on what will look best on Instagram says a lot for how invested this bride(zilla) is in the wedding aesthetics rather than the sanctuary of marriage.