Flower girl dispute with friend, DDs unhappy, help.

[FGDil]

My friend's daughter is getting married next year. My friend called me and told me her daughter wanted my DD (6) to be her flower girl. DD6 is quite quiet and doesn't want to be the flower girl. My friend said I should make her do it for her daughter. I told her I don't make my DD do things she doesn't want to do. In the background of the phone call, my DD8 was hopping up and down saying she would be flower girl. I suggested this to my friend. My friend said crossly, "She doesn't want DD8! She wants DD6!" I just told her, "Well, she can't have her." My friend is now not speaking to me and my DD8 feels rejected and has been grumpy with her sister in the day since this chat. I tried to explain to DD8 that she just wants DD6 because she is small and doesn't want an older child, it's not personal. I talked to DD6 and told her about getting to wear something special and she still won't have anything to do with it. So that's not happening. Did I handle this badly? Please tell me it will all blow over with the girls.

Maybe OP didn’t know that this was going to be asked?

So not hard to at all as calling back was an option.

That ship has sailed now.

Berating her for not behaving perfectly isn’t really constructive.

Bin the whole wedding, it sounds awful

If it’s the first time it is mentioned, you’re saying she broke away from the call and asked one daughter, in front of the other, if she and only she wanted to be a flowergirl?!

I’d be very very cross with your friend, tbh. And, yes, I’m sure it’ll all blow over. But, if he having harsh words with the people saying these things within your daughters’ hearing.

I think it’s rude that you offered DD8 to do it, especially when you knew she was listening.

You could have easily texted your friend or spoke to her when the good weren’t there.

You’ve disappointed your DD8 for no reason and it could have been easily avoided.
You can’t be annoyed at your friend for that.

However, she’s being incredibly rude by being adamant that DD6 should do it when she doesn’t want to.
You need to put your foot down more and if she falls out with you, she falls out with you.
She’s being pathetic.

I wasn’t there so how would I know what happened?

op was put on the spot

I can understand if bride just wants one flower girl, it's her wedding, her vision. What I can't understand is why the bride hasn't spoken to you herself - surely she's old enough to be planning her own wedding.

You can protect your children more from people who are shallow enough to judge on looks or unkind enough to invite one but not the other.

This situation is a great opportunity to change things for your DDs.

I'd avoid these 'friends' in future, they sound unhealthy.

No parent can speak for their child so I will aks them and let you know is all a parent should ever say to anything

I agree that it’s weird that the mum is arranging her Dads flower girls!

It makes me wonder whose the difficult one - the bride or the MotB.

Maybe the bride doesn’t even want flower girls.

The chronology is that friend mentioned the flower girl thing during a visit. I said I would talk to DD6. Then friend was going to call me to find out the answer. The conversation with DD6 was when I tried to sell her on the nice dress. Then the call where the rest happened. I promised DD8 I would get her a special dress too. None of us will be going now I think. I think I'm uninvited.

It's useful to assess what the parent could have done differently. We can't protect our kids from the regular troubles of life, but we can choose whether to pass toxic messages on from other people! Sometimes being a barrier is a parent's role.

Your friend is being an absolute bitch, beyond unreasonable go the extent that I'd be ending the relationship.

Your poor daughters.

She asked if she handled the situation badly and I’m saying that yes she should have had the conversation away from the kids. That would have prevented much of the stress she now has. People on here always seem to be “on the spot” and “taken aback” and so unable to think about things rationally. It astounds me.

Bride asked her mother to ask me.

People are being very unfair to the OP here! Of course she had to have the conversation in front of DD6 because she had to ask whether she wanted to do it. Without knowing other reasons why they're asking her, it's weird to flat out deny one child an opportunity without letting her choose.
Once OP realised that it was because of the cuteness factor, she's done completely the right thing about shutting it down and not giving it airtime.
And the people commenting on her mentioning her child's cuteness and saying 'Do not allow people to comment on her appearance in the future' have clearly never actually parented a strikingly cute child. My child, also 6, is one of those (and NO it is not the most important thing about her, but it would be ridiculous if we didn't realise it). She gets random people commenting on her looks in the street probably once a week, often more. We have no control over these interactions, they're said before we can stop them. And I'm not going to tell and old lady to be quiet and that 'actually she's also very smart and kind and funny which is more important'. There would be literally no point.
We tell DD that all the time, but it's impossible that she doesn't know she's pretty.

Which is fine but then you would say - let me speak to her and I’ll get back to you.

You wouldn’t speak to your DCs there and then, especially if one was reluctant or if one was being left out.

OP told her she’d get to wear a pretty dress etc - so it was either more than one conversation or OP was asking DD6 in front of DD8 whilst one the phone.

It’s always going to be a bad move to ask one sibling and the other, especially when they are two little girls close in age. That was their first mistake.

The second was treating your DD6 like a wedding prop.

Say no, and if they want to ruin the friendship over this then that’s their choice.

I think you've prioritised your 'friend' over your own family (including yourself) and there are lessons to learn.

So there is no problem.She said no and you have listened. You’re just worried about your friend’s reaction? Ignore your friends pleas. As if you can make children do something they don’t want to do! They’ll just cry or lie down on the floor and go all rigid when you pick them up! It would be very silly of your friend to fall out over such a thing out of her control.

I agree. Then to go on and try and convince dd6. This is all rather bizarre. The op sounds like she knew already why they were asking for dd6.

You should be asking how to fix what you did to dd8. She won’t forget this.

So you’ve never ever been caught off guard?

Wow astounding

What a ridiculous waste of emotional energy and time. This is a perfect case study of people who mistake “marriage” for “big instagram wedding”.

None of this matters. In a year you will all have forgotten about it. You all need to get a grip.