Flower girl dispute with friend, DDs unhappy, help.

[FGDil]

My friend's daughter is getting married next year. My friend called me and told me her daughter wanted my DD (6) to be her flower girl. DD6 is quite quiet and doesn't want to be the flower girl. My friend said I should make her do it for her daughter. I told her I don't make my DD do things she doesn't want to do. In the background of the phone call, my DD8 was hopping up and down saying she would be flower girl. I suggested this to my friend. My friend said crossly, "She doesn't want DD8! She wants DD6!" I just told her, "Well, she can't have her." My friend is now not speaking to me and my DD8 feels rejected and has been grumpy with her sister in the day since this chat. I tried to explain to DD8 that she just wants DD6 because she is small and doesn't want an older child, it's not personal. I talked to DD6 and told her about getting to wear something special and she still won't have anything to do with it. So that's not happening. Did I handle this badly? Please tell me it will all blow over with the girls.

I don’t know why you are getting such a hammering here!

You did the right thing declining. Just forget about it now. If the friendship is lost she wasn’t much of a friend.

I do think you went about it it in the wrong way, a phone call to your friend when your DC were at school would have been better.

I think you handled the phone call correctly (it's unfortunate that your DDs overheard but as you say it's too late to change that now). The only thing you did wrong was to try and get DD6 to change her mind afterwards.

I think the friendship is over. Am I also meant to dump the friend who named her baby after my DD6? I'll have no friends left.

Yes because that is really weird. Unless she made the comment in a jokey way. I think you have surrounded yourself with people who have an unhealthy interest with your dd and her looks!

As soon as only one of your DDs was invited to do this, I would have said "Oh that's a lovely thought but I can't really have one do this and not the other when they're so close in age". It should never have gone beyond that really. No need to even mention it to your younger DD if the offer isn't for both of them.

As PP have said, children are not accessories, and there's no way I would have caused sadness and rejection in my own family unit for the sake of someone's wedding photos.

You’re going to need to stomp the shit out of this favouritism for the sake of both of your girls and their relationship between each other. And hindsight is of course 20/20 but I would have said in the first place that both girls need to be flower girls or neither are. Your younger girl might actually have agreed to it if her big sister was by her side and 8 isn’t really too old to be a flower girl.

Btw I find it so odd that someone named their kid after yours. Not the same name because they liked it so much but after your very young child because she’s “so cute”. I’d have been a bit weirded out personally.

Better that than have friends who judge your daughters on their appearance and make their opinions explicit.

It's peculiar, in fact much of this is.

The baby name thing was not a joke. It was after my DD. Not the real names but it's a bit like of my DDs name was Anna and she called her DD Anne after her. Or My DD was Sylvia and she called her Sylvie. That sort of thing.

I think it's shitty of your friend's daughter to ask one DD and not the other when they're so close in age. You've said no because DD6 doesn't want to do it, so leave it at that. Your girls will get over it, just make sure you don't focus on appearances and praise their other attributes, personality is much more important etc.

It may be that you're in a personal growth phase.
How friends treat our kids can really change how we feel about them - and that's ok.

Everyone seems to be having a bad morning, having a go at the OP!

She got caught on the hop.

As ever, it's easy enough for us to say 'dump the friend and maybe the other friend too' because we haven't invested the time in it, and we won't be the ones left lonely. That said, on the brief stuff we've been told, it does sound like the OP could branch out into different associations.

Odd though, isn't it, how we come to define 'friends' and how they have that hold over us. Come to think of it, when we were kids we had 'friends' but they didn't last longer than two years, chances were you'd have another best friend two years on. Whereas as adults they're meant to be for the duration, or some bloody drama like this has to come along to let you know it's time to move on.

Op has explained the chronology and that’s not how it happened it seems.

Bride(zilla) is being unreasonable, and only cares about appearances

it’s done now, and the friendship can’t have been that strong anyway

So it really was for the Instagram photos.

Such a contrast to one of DD's friends who is getting married. Some of her bridesmaids are not conventionally pretty, but she has chosen them because some are family and some are close friends. These bridesmaids all mean something to her.

Right. So she wasn't named after her?
You're going to have to do a lot of work with yout daughters about self esteem and having worth not based on appearance.
That was a horrible phone call, I hope you've assured your elder daughter that you won't allow her exclusion.

If bride isn't even close enough to ask herself, it'd already be a no from me without even asking dd. As people are saying on the other flower girl thread, children aren't instagram props! You should be the one offended here, not your friend!

she just wants DD6 because she is small and doesn't want an older child, it's not personal

Well it is personal, isn't it. However, that's not your fault, it's your friend's. Honest to God, why are brides and their families so weird?

Yes it was worse.

OP wasn’t put on the spot and she knew what the phone call was about.

She then asked whilst on the phone and in front of DD8 if DD8 could do it instead.

I genuinely can’t understand OPs mindset.

I feel sorry for the bride and it sounds like her mother is very overbearing!

My friend introduced the baby to my DDs saying, "I named her this after DD6." So she was definitely named after her. DD8 didn't even react. I'm worried she's getting used to this.

That is appalling of the bride and of the friend facilitating her behaviour. Poor DD8! I can see why you wouldn't think to make the phonecall private because it wouldn't have crossed my mind that someone would reject an eight-year old child out of hand to be a flower girl when they had just asked her sibling, though I suppose alarm bells should have rung when they were not both asked initially.
It annoys me so much when people want the big celebration of their day, with all friends and family supporting them, but forget to give grace in return. It is a celebration of family and of love! If you want a flower girl and one child does not want to, why on earth wouldn't you accept the one who does when there is only two years between them!

You come across obessed with your childrens looks its weird to be honest

Well, you are asking if you handled it badly.
Responding to your Dd interrupting your phone call and allowing her to hear you suggest her was handling it less well!

Anyway, overall YANBU. Absolutely right to not pressure your Dd to be a flower girl. Did Dd8 hear you havjng another go? Bigging up wearing a special dress etc? After she had been turned down?

I would shut down people who go on about how ‘cute’ kids are and the natural route is ‘modelling’. ‘Neither of my children are commodities, thanks’

Your friend is being ridiculous.

Bit of a clusterfuck but the important thing now is what you tell your dds

You confirm you would never make either of them do something they didn’t want

You confirm you will always treat them equally

You tell them no one is going to the wedding - because you have got their backs

Maybe you go pretty dress/cool outfit shopping for the hell of it for both of them and let them choose somewhere to wear them - fun meal, panto etc?

No, everyone else is obsessed with her kids' looks.

Perhaps could be explained to older kid that 'cute' often means young, as younger kids are generally 'cuter' etc