Flower girl dispute with friend, DDs unhappy, help.

[FGDil]

My friend's daughter is getting married next year. My friend called me and told me her daughter wanted my DD (6) to be her flower girl. DD6 is quite quiet and doesn't want to be the flower girl. My friend said I should make her do it for her daughter. I told her I don't make my DD do things she doesn't want to do. In the background of the phone call, my DD8 was hopping up and down saying she would be flower girl. I suggested this to my friend. My friend said crossly, "She doesn't want DD8! She wants DD6!" I just told her, "Well, she can't have her." My friend is now not speaking to me and my DD8 feels rejected and has been grumpy with her sister in the day since this chat. I tried to explain to DD8 that she just wants DD6 because she is small and doesn't want an older child, it's not personal. I talked to DD6 and told her about getting to wear something special and she still won't have anything to do with it. So that's not happening. Did I handle this badly? Please tell me it will all blow over with the girls.

Forcing a child to do something publicly that they don't want to do is a recipe for disaster😂The bride clearly doesn't realise that small children will do their utmost to look after number 1 (and that isn't the bride).
Example: how the RF excludes children from public events e.g. Trooping, until they can be trusted in public.

You really do not need to fall out with anyone. Just say sorry we cannot make it due to childcare issues like another poster suggested and let it lie. It will blow over and you can all remain friends. Is she favouring your youngest a lot? Is it noticeable? I don’t think your eldest is too old at all! At my wedding I had a range of bridesmaids ranging from 7 to 14, I asked all the children including teens in the family and it was up to them if they wanted to do it or just come as guests. I never excluded anyone. One declined because she didn’t want to as that was perfectly acceptable. Just keep it light and breezy and keep saying, sorry but she doesn’t want to! I cannot make her! But don’t fall out over it.

Those social media photos are going to look absolutely cracking with a flowergirl sobbing in the corner because she doesn't want to be there. Friend and daughter sound like dicks and I'd tell the friend I'm not up to whoring my children out for jobs they don't want. Might as well dynamite that bridge entirely.

OK. Badly handled. Accepted.

I think OP accepted DD6's refusal?

I'd have declined immediately tbh, and not even asked DD6 - on the basis that she only wanted your DD6, and not DD8. Only asking one DD, when they are so close in age, is bound to be upsetting for the other! I wouldn't let one child feel left out like that.

I also wouldn't be happy about a DC being used as a photo prop in a friends DD's wedding - unless your DDs have a close relationship with the bride already?
However, ultimately it is your friend that is being unreasonable - not speaking to you because your DD doesn't want to be flower girl is ridiculous.

Not read all of the comments but I think asking a girl to be a flower girl and not asking her not-much-older sister is a bit mean. They sound like a pair of dicks

I agree, especially two close in age.

Exactly this. Flower girl? When was this invented anyway? All for some big curated show for nobody else’s benefit but the bride. 🙄

‘Quite’ I think this says it all! Poor DD8

Yeah, same here.

Wow that’s reaching

I also wouldn't be happy about a DC being used as a photo prop in a friends DD's wedding - unless your DD's have a close relationship with the bride already?

I agree.

I can only assume that bride and family have no little girls that are ‘suitable’ in their opinion to be flower girl so they lumped for your DD6. For photos, for instagram, for appearances

if it was for the reason that they are close and want your family included they would have chosen both girls.

they sound an nightmare.

sure you might have approached it differently but it’s done now, don’t give it a seconds more thought

I foresee a divorce in the puffing. Someone so shallow is not really wife material.

Nothing to do with the comment, but what a great user name !

You said it wasn't the same name? Confused.

Are you living somewhere stuck in the 1950s? A girl is favoured because she's quiet, the more extrovert child is somehow less attractive? Please don't stop your older daughter being extrovert, and work to support her confidence and personality. Your younger daughter also needs to be encouraged to think beyond being pretty and passive.
This is like stepping back in time!

Of course she didn’t name her baby after your DD 😂
It’s just a fun and kind thing to say to a little girl- “the baby is name is like yours because you’re beautiful and kind and hopefully she’ll be like you.” It’s a way of linking the baby to them and making the friendship special. They just liked the name!! (Possibly even making an excuse for why they didn’t copy it exactly eg:Anna/Anne, as they could think you’d take offence at not choosing their exact name!)

I've only read your posts OP.

A few issues here aren't there. The fact friend asked you for DD6 not DD8. The fact friend asked you with DD8 in earshot. The fact DD6 doesn't want to do it but DD8 does. The fact that other friend named her baby after DD6 not DD8 and that was clear as DD8 knows why she did that really - DD6 is so cute and compliant and DD8 not as cute and a bit louder.

So the best approach is DD6 is not a flower girl. Kids (especially girls shouldn't be made to do things they don't want to do when they are little, it teaches them that what they want doesn't matter. Or you're teaching them consent doesn't matter / people pleasing and all that). But I think you knew this anyway.

Friend is being a brideszilla, for now. Is she usually like that or is this a one off? If it's a one off you can gently tell her why it's been a problem and hope the issue goes away. If not revisit the friendship.

The other friend naming her kid after your cute quiet DD6. People telling you DD^ is cute and could be a kid model. This is issue 2 and the biggest issue really - could be a problem for your girls if you mum don't nip it in the bud at home. DD8 can't be brought up feeling inferior and not as pretty etc and DD6 (we've all seen the effects of this in older adult siblings, it's awful). You need to tell her how special she is how strong how clever she is how she's so fast or really good at reading or whatever. Same for DD6. Just not about looks.

The other friend is a bit clueless as well. But not much you can do about that save be aware of the issue above and make sure it isn't a thing now.

Finally - looks and kids change as they grow up. What is cute at 6 isn't always cute at 16 etc. So stop talking about their looks at all, really., and stop friends who do. Is the best advice.

She really did. Believe me.

I think it's awful that you said your 8yr old would/could do it as obviously if they had wanted her then they would have asked her.

Fine that the 6yr old doesn't want to & that should have been accepted.

Even if you're not uninvited why would you want to go?

I don’t think you actually know what introvert and extrovert means, introvert certainly doesn’t mean passive.

I think you haven't read my post.
Don't try to correct usage. Read the post.

You said it was a different name?