Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

Politely and regretfully decline, and explain how complicated this is for you, finding childcare for DS for a couple of days is easy for some people but clearly pt for you, if there is no one obvious to do it.

She clearly has no understanding of the difficulties.

PS How much food and space is one little boy going to take up at a wedding/reception FFS?

I agree with a number of pp heres, the ones who say she's really not a good friend, she just wants your DD to look cute but doesn't want your son and agree with pp who said just decline the invitation, she'll know why she's not stuipid.

Once you've declined, you'll feel better. Think what else you can do with that money.

Agree with this solution.

If its a lot of money, then a family holiday is the better choice for your family with that money.
Better to decline.

Some only have children in the wedding party. The cost of weddings now I can understand why people do this. If they allow one to go then they have to say yes to everyone else with children. If it’s a destination wedding I just won’t bother going.

Is she 'using' your daughter for flower girl photo aesthetics?

I'd decline.

The fact that you also used your friend's daughter as an accessory whilst excluding her son doesn't make it acceptable behaviour.

That's a really polite message. But much better for OP to just say, sorry logistics don't work for the kids. I will be there, can't wait! And mean it!

Her mistake was making your daughter an exception. Just decline her for flower girl.

Wedding dinner may well be £100 per head and he's likely to be finicky when he's tired and overwhelmed. I can see her thought process and I have similar aged kids.

If you can't go then that's fair enough. But it's her wedding and I wouldn't want very young children present for the ceremony either. It's her day and she can choose to avoid tantrums / noise disturbances if she wants. Maybe leave your partner at home with your son.

To me it reads like your DD is a cute little accessory to the bride's day, and your DS isn't even invited because he doesn't fit the aesthetic. I'd be really upset if I were you. Fancy telling you he can come but won't be allowed to sit at the table and have food when all of the other guests do. Oh and you didn't 'jokingly' ask, you needed to know, don't excuse yourself for asking a perfectly reasonable question.

You have a few choices, go and leave DS behind (not fair on DS), go and take DS, have him sit on a parents knee at the meal and share their food (awkward for all), just you and DD go (DS will not understand why), you go alone and tell the bride that you can't just bring one child, none of you go.

Whatever you decide, your 'friend' has created this uncomfortable situation and things are going to be awkward now.

@Oakeydoke I would decline. Go on a family holiday instead.

So your friend has invited you, your DH and DD to the wedding but not your DS? This in itself is batshit. Is it a child free wedding other than the flower girl?
I think I’d be more understanding if it was an entirely child free wedding but excluding one child seems mean.
If you could make it a mini break where your DD is flower girl before heading back to the hotel with DH and DS leaving you to enjoy the reception, that could work. This would work if there’s something fun for DS to do with your DH whilst you’re at the ceremony. Then both DC have something h fun to look forward to.

It's either kids welcome, or no kids. It can't be this child is welcome but that child isn't. This would be a 'no thanks' from me.

Exactly this!

There’s quite a difference in the behaviour of a four-year-old and a seven-year-old at a wedding, especially if 7YO is part of the wedding party while 4YO would just be a regular guest, so I do get it.

Weddings are boring af for young children and it can cause them to act out. She’s probably thinking the 7YO, as a flower girl, would be really excited and therefore well-behaved whereas you can’t really guarantee that with a 4YO guest during an incredibly long, drawn-out day - which can be v draining for little ones.

My friend’s sister missed her wedding vows/ceremony bc her 3YO had a meltdown so her sister had to take him out. My friend is lovely, not a bridezilla at all, but she was so sad her sister didn’t see her and her husband exchange vows. She never raised it with her or made it “a thing” (what’s done is done, no Time Machine to go back and change it) but privately with friends, she has shared how upset it made her. Maybe your friend is worried about something like that happening?

I've not RtFT so apologies if anyone has already said this but this is straightforward: DH and DS stay home, you and your DD go and have a lovely time. It's probably what your bride friend was envisaging this whole time anyway

Well this is entirely doable. How do you think single parents manage at events with multiple children!!???

How much do you think that this wedding is going to cost you in total OP? If you are being expected to outlay lots of money on flights etc then it is unreasonable and unkind to exclude one member of your family. If it was me I would give it a miss and spend the money on treating both of the children.

I completely understand no children at weddings but to ask your daughter to be BM and not have son there is taking the piss. It’d have been better if she’d just said sorry kids not invited (both). Or only children of immediate family sorry so your son and daughter not invited.

This for sure, if, as a family we didn’t go on holidays this would be an absolute no.

Why do you think it’s a destination wedding? We’ve flown to many weddings (and many of our guests flew to ours) because we have friends and family far and wide. 3 of our guests flew in despite living 30 miles away as the crow flies, because Islands are a thing.

That said, in your situation OP I wouldn’t go at all. It’s awful to exclude one child from a family of 4.

I just wouldn’t go, I’d try to make it light and breezy, apologise for assuming son could come, but now realising that he can’t, unfortunately you won’t be able to make it. That you’d love to see them both after the wedding to celebrate. I wouldn’t demand anything or go in all guns blazing

But the only person who’s going to be hurt by this is the OP, if indeed, she wants to go to her friends’ wedding.