Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

She clearly just wants a cute little girl to be part of her procession and has decided your DD will do. I’d probably decline to go.

Weddings are family occasions in my view, we had kids at ours and it was joyful. Children are part of life and people in their own right, I hate this idea that their presence somehow spoils celebrations.

I would politely decline the invitation in this case. I think inviting one child and not the other is really not on.

No 4 year old knows what a wedding is or cares about going to one. And i defo don’t think they are cute taking over the dance floor. Why can’t your daughter have a day with you and her dad being centre of attention?

I'd just say really sorry we can't make it work. I wanted to let you know early so you can reorganise your wedding party.

Just don’t go.

To your friend, your DD is just a pretty accessory to look good in the photos. That’s why she is invited but not your son. Your friend doesn’t give one crap about how this will make the son feel or you or the family feel. It’s a dreadful way to behave.

Your ‘friend’ is behaving horribly.

Completely agree

Appalling CF-ery! Wants your daughter as an accessory and won't even feed your little boy?! Tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck.

I think it's pretty poor of her to invite 3 of you, have DD be a flower girl, but leave your other child out. From her saying he can come but won't have food or a seat at the meal it sounds like she just isn't prepared to pay (and/or has filled guest space to capacity) rather than doesn't want your DS in particular to be there, but it's a pretty tight way to try and do it without really consideration for your situation, but weddings are tricky to manage.

If she's normally generous I would try not to take it to heart. Just work out how you would prefer to attend (or not). Would taking some snacks for DS and you and DH taking it in turns to have him on your lap/take him for a walk/etc. during the meal (an excuse to miss the speeches if they drone one...) sound doable? How bothered is DH about attending? Could he come with you and have a day with DS then pick up DD later when she's had enough and maybe you could all have another day there to enjoy a family day nearby? Would it be more fun just to go on your own? Or is it all to much and you'd prefer to stay home?

Don't tell her you're upset. Weddings are too much a one off, huge, stressful event to let it affect your whole friendship. Either make the best of it or if it's just a catalyst that's made you realise she's never really been considerate, take it as a cue to fade her out.

We had this exact scenario 10+ years ago. Turns out bride wanted our cute & quiet 5yr DD but not our boisterous (but perfectly behaved) 3yo DS. We went along with it but I was really hurt and tbh our friendship never recovered and has faded now. I wish I’d declined.

I'd decline invite and DD can't be a flower girl.

My 4 year old certainly did!!

Can you just go by yourself and leave both kids at home? It would my only compromise. DD isn't being treated special while DS is snubbed. He can't even have a CHAIR what the fuck is that all about.

If she means that much to you go alone. But I'd just respond to the invite "not able to attend" and leave it at that.

He can't even have a CHAIR what the fuck is that all about.

@Uniqueusername3 I'm sure it's the head count. They'll be charged per person so another chair is an extra ££.

I don't think it's such a big deal that one child goes and the other don't. That's how things go sometimes and it's only a bit deal if you make it.

But i find the friend's approach quite odd. It feel a bit selfish to invite a 7yo to what seems to be a child free wedding, because you want her to throw flower petals for 5 min. But yet not be ready to make any accomodation for her family or sibling. It's just quite selfish overall.

I was a bridesmaid (didn't use the term flowergirl) with a 4 year ol pageboy and it was fine. You don't invite one child and not the other, unless there's a very good reason.
And saying he can't have a meal! She presumably hasn't confirmed numbers/plan, as she'd need to have confirmed about your daughter before putting in a final list, so unless it's a tiny venue, surely they can squeeze in a 4 year old!
I'd just say no, you're not getting a babysitter for one child. She can invite the whole family, or no one. Invitation, not summons!

That bit was rather odd.

However, I don't think having a 7 year old flower girl but not a 4 year old is such an unusual cut tbh.

Strange if it's about the chair though!😂

Why don’t you all travel, you and DD go to the wedding, DS has a fun day out with DH then he picks up DD on the way back to the hotel/air bnb. Then everyone wins

If you’re close enough for your girl to be chosen as a flower girl, then it surely goes without saying your son is invited as well.

Feels a bit like she wants a cute little flower girl for the wedding pics!!

Yes, presumably she is meaning head count, not chair!!

These threads always divide posters.

Some are well-accustomed to more formal, adult style wedding where there are no children except maybe those very close to the couple plus child attendants. This is quite common in London, where receptions are formal occasions, often at hotels in quite restrained surroundings.

Others think of weddings as whole family affairs, and often this is more a more rural wedding, with a country house type setting, lots of lawn space for children to run about etc.

On the whole, I can understand if the head count is a lot and there is no "child price" they might well not want to pay a caviar blini and champagne head cost for a four year old.

Tbh if your dd would really wnjoy being a flower girl and ds wouldn’t really enjoy it anyway (esp if there aren’t many other kids) why don’t just you and dd go. She’s probably struggling a lot with numbers and it would probably cost her £50 to give your ds a meal and a place and might mean someone else can’t go.

I was 50/50 meaning it would depend if it was mainly adults with only very close family children other than your daughter as a flower girl. That was until I read he can come but no chair or food. This would be enough for me to decline the whole invitation

It’s just she doesn’t want to waste a guest spot on a four year old. It’s not that complicated!

Does she have kids? She sounds weird and thoughtless.

Yes, we cross-posted (see above). I agree.

It is just the mention of a "chair" sounded amusing.