Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

Did she say why DS isn't invited? Is it his age or are there any behaviour related issues?

A 4 yo won't enjoy a wedding. I wouldn't bring him even he was invited.

If you have to travel by plane being away for days I wouldn't take part at all.

This actually wouldn’t bother me if I booked childcare for my DS.

I would just decline the invitation. It’s become normal to treat wedding guests like this, but it’s still perfectly acceptable to refuse to go along with it.

Is she only having children in the wedding party and no others? Even so, it feels very off for 3 out of 4 family members to be invited.

Is she only having children in the wedding party and no others? Even so, it feels very off for 3 out of 4 family members to be invited.

It depends on the child. My DS at 4 would be really upset if we all went away to a wedding and only he wasn’t invited.

I would say sorry but you can’t attend.

Wouldn’t be given any food or a chair? Fuck that.

I think this is bizarrely insensitive. I'd say that your boy is part of your family and honestly you'd expect your friend to know that without it being pointed out. I'd find out her concerns about him attending and attempt to allay them but YANBU, its weird and rude.

I can't believe she would invite one child and not the other. That is seriously mean. You either have kids at your wedding or you don't.

She can’t seat and feed one child when she was jumping for joy another was coming? I’d guess she’s told people no kids but the flower girl they could explain. She should have thought it out first!!

YADNBU. This is insane. I can almost (but not really) understand only inviting one child if she’s a flower girl, but then to suggest bringing the other, but he’s not allowed to eat or sit down??? Bonkers. Just explain that you wish her a lovely day but it’s simply not possible for you to accommodate her plan.

If shes a good friend, can't you go with DD and DS stay with his dad?

Why can’t your son stay at home with his dad and you go to the wedding with your dd? It’s probably because 7 year olds girls are more likely to behave than a 4 year old at a boring event.

It’s a bit weird of her to say that, I think you either have children there or not (or just immediate family children). I’m a big fan of child free weddings, but it seems odd to exclude one. You have worst of both worlds, having to find childcare and having to supervise your other child at the same time!!

I would kindly decline if one child of mine was excluded. It’s a big deal taking a plane and going away.

Does she have much of a relationship with your kids? It's a really mean thing to do and almost comes across like she wants your daughter there in a pretty dress as part of the show to make herself look good but not your son

She wants to use your daughter as a prop. She doesn't give a crap about you or your family and I wouldn't attend at all after that.

Yeah that's shite. I would decline. Only one child invited out of my 2? No thanks. I will have to say no.

I suppose I could but DS would be really disappointed. It would also mean not fully enjoying the wedding as DD will probably need to go to bed at 8, so I would have to leave early with her. Before the plan was for DH to take the kids back to our accommodation for bedtime while I stayed on.

Weddings are expensive, and if she’s working to a budget, then I can understand why she’s not keen on giving an ‘adult place’ to a 4 year old. Can you not just go with your DD and leave DS at home with his other parent? Or are you on your own?

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

that’s weird given she’s obviously very much in early stages of planning so could easily accommodate.

fact she isn’t willing really indicates how much she doesn’t want him there. And that’s her prerogative. Thoughtless to invite the older sibling but - well, if I have learned anything from Mumsnet it’s that many posters have very different friends to my friends (and I feel incredibly relieved and blessed about that!)

I saw a video today where a friend allegedly messaged a long-time friend to say according to theor spreadsheet, he was owed €15, as his gift was €150 and his dinner was €165.

Bride/groom behaviours have become so ridiculous now, nothing surprises me anymore. If it's a major inconvenience to you when it's something that should be easily remedial, just say no. The less people pander to foolishness, the sooner it will end.

I’d just decline

My thoughts exactly.

I’m astounded that she expected you to bring one DC as a flower girl and not invite the other. If he’s a tearaway she could have said something but it can’t be that as she had no intention of giving him a seat at the table and a dinner!

I’d decline - fairly frankly, to be honest.