Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

This is definitely the way to go.

I agree that you shouldn't go in all guns blazing, but I think you need to tell your friend that logistically you are only going to be able to attend if the whole family attends (-unless you going on your own is a possibility? ). Just explain that taking one child but not two doesn't work logistically, and that DS will need a seat if he's going to attend, as he's too big to sit on your knee for the whole meal. Your friend can then make the decision whether to accommodate all of you or not. It may be there will be some people who decline their invitations and the friend will then be able to fit your DS in.

Flights?! Blimey where is the wedding?

Was your DH invited?

In the UK but somewhere that necessitates flights! Sorry to be cryptic.. although I guess this thread is outing anyway.

A destination wedding would put me off.

My four year old had a wonderful time at a wedding recently. It was a lovely occasion. Agree that I wouldnt travel without them

Oh, OK. Thanks.

Sounds like she wants your DD to look cute in photos and she sees your DS as an inconvenience. Telling you he’s not getting food or a seat when she wants your DD in the wedding party is CF territory!

I agree and think this whole situation shows that this person doesn't care about your kids (or even have the manners to consider them) and just wants to use your daughter for photos - so I would only do what suits you.

Your DD is going to be really excited about being a flower girl and will, more than fairly, probably be talking about it non stop in the lead up. On what planet is that fair to your DS? I’d maybe understand if he was a baby and they were saying no babies, just children but honestly how on earth is he meant to feel about his sister having such a special role in this wedding that he’s not even invited to?! Absolutely out of order

As she is a good friend, can you not talk to her about it to find out why he wasn't invited?
As you say it seems strange to ask your daughter to be flower girl but to completely exclude your son. Perhaps if no under 5s were going then you would be able to understand it better....or have you ever moaned to her about your son and she has taken that into account?

It’s also gross your friend wants the presumably
photogenic little girl to boost the adorable quotient of her wedding photos but her brother doesn’t even get a bite to eat!

How often does your friend see your children?

Just say really sorry but this won't work for me. Wouldn't be given food or a chair - grim. This would put me off remaining on friendly terms with her.

This is absolutely what’s going on in my head.

This will be a HUGE deal to DD, and she’ll talk about it until the cows come home. DS will absolutely understand it all and will be upset at being left out.

@Oakeydoke how often does your friend get together with your children?

In your shoes, I'd either go on my own and DH stays at home with the children or, if your DD would really enjoy being a flower girl, you go with her and DH stays at home with DS. They can do something fun together.

’Hi Sarah. Having had time to reflect on our earlier chat about your wedding, we cannot in all good conscience exclude Jack given that we would be foregoing our family holiday to attend. It is therefore with regret that we will have to decline, but wish you and Pete all the very best for your day and look forward to a girly hen-do!’

This is a no brainer for me - all go or nobody goes. You do not pick and choose from a family like that.

I’d say sorry we are a family we come as a package im afraid
leave it to her

This is nuts. Obviously she has to invite DS and feed him too.

God, I wouldn’t be tiptoeing around the selfish mare like that. She could shove her “girly hen-do” up her proverbial.

You’re overreacting, OP. Go if you want to, don’t if you’re going to sit about huffing that your four year old is not getting dinner.

He’s 4 though, he will survive. DD is old enough to be told not to rabbit endlessly in front of her brother. If DD was invited to a birthday party would you not let her go if DS wasn’t invited? Not convinced a 4yo boy has a real comprehension of ‘wedding’- let’s be honest, in reality a lot of waiting around for guests, and a set plate dinner he would be missing out on.