Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

Really shows how people don’t see children as people, not thinking about how this will obviously really hurt his feelings, as it would anyone! (and as his mother you won’t want to let that happen and will have to take action to avoid it)

@Oakeydoke if he was an uncontrollable 4 yo then I could see her point. But most 4 yo’s are not like this and would happily enjoy the day with their family acting socially acceptable. My dc would have fallen into the latter category so I wouldn’t have had the heart to leave one behind, they would have been totally aware of being left out. I wouldn’t have had no choice but to decline the invitation.

Infact, I declined a wedding invite in another country when both my dc were not invited. They were family members and both dc would have been hurt if I told them the invitation was only for myself and their df. One of the married couple was my DD’s godmother ffs, so my 7 yo dd wouldn’t have got head around that. We declined and didn’t mention the wedding to the dc at all.

My kids have loved the weddings they’ve been to too. I’m not sure why people are so convinced they wouldn’t enjoy it.

I had a very similar situation once. One child (godchild to the bride) invited but not the other. The bride had been my bridesmaid, but I was not asked to be hers. I bluntly said that we’re not able to come since DC2 isn’t coming as childcare would be a nightmare as my whole family would be at the wedding. 3 days later she included us all. It was fine both kids loved it and behaved well at the wedding. She apologised to me a few years later after having her own kids, all good. I get it.

She just wants to use your dd for cute flower girl photos. Either go with no kids at all, both if they will be included or none of you go.

I think that is downright unpleasant of your friend OP. Why people think being a bride gives them the right to be rude and insensitive to people who are supposed to be their friends is totally perplexing to me.

The fact she said she wouldn't even provide food for a wee boy is beyond belief to me.
I would be declining the invitation to the wedding and I would feel differently about the friendship.

My friend didn’t bring her son to our wedding, he 7 year old was a flower girl. Her 5 year old stayed at home! He would have bored, weddings are boring for kids, they are also expensive. if you have a child care option I would use it. Your son gets a fun few days doing something he finds fun

So she wants your daughter for the pretty pictures. As soon as she said there would be no food for my son, four year olds don't eat a lot, I'd have lost all inclination to let my daughter be decoration. It's not about not wanting to feed him, it's about wanting to use your daughter.

Oof that'd be friendship ending for me, that's so cruel to your son. Bin her off!

This for me too. I would politely tell friend that and suffer the consequences.

Honestly, I genuinely wouldnt go if one of my children was made to feel like a spare part.

I would lose the friend over it.

I think it's probably money tbh, they'll be paying per person and wedding catering can be really expensive.

You'll be paying to attend too, so if you don't want to go alone or just you with your DD, don't.

Seeing as you don’t holiday, forget about the wedding and book a holiday for you all with the money

@Oakeydoke
Personally, I'd not go at all
It seems too much palaver and she doesn't want your DS there so I'd not bother.
She knows you've two children
But only wants DD there as an "accessory"
And a real true "friend" would never have left DS out either
Chances you were only asked because your DD fitted her needs

Both my kids love weddings. And ds would be very sad to be left out especially if there is a flight AND a party involved.

I like the idea pp had of saying to your friends something along the lines ”my dd would be so excited to be flower girl. I simply can’t leave ds out altogether, his feelings would be very hurt and he wouldn’t understand why he was being left behind at home. For that reason I think I have to decline the very kind invitation to make dd your flower girl. I have spoken to dh though, and I could leave both kids at home with dh and attend your wedding on my own, if you’re happy to have me a single guest. “

Nopety nope. She's lost the plot, forgetten how to be a decent human. She's dived too deep into her pinterest board, she's bumped her head. Wedding fever has consumed her and normal service has been put on pause.

I'd politely decline everything, smile and wish well with as much grace as I could muster. Then I'd hold on tight until the wedding is over and your friend resumes normal operating parameters

Dh and ds stay home and you go to wedding with dd.

Many 4 yr olds absolutely do enjoy weddings. My son enjoyed my sister's wedding at 4 and my daughter enjoyed my brother's also at 4. They were delighted by everything from the fancy card to the fancy hotel to getting to be all dressed up themselves. My kids love weddings.

He sits on your knee and shares your food, easy.

I've never known a 5 yr old who didn't enjoy a wedding, your friend won't have been happy with this whatever she says

This only works if it isn’t the brides decision to leave the 5 yo at home.

how good of a supposed friend is this ? Because no good friend of mine would do that !
if I was you I would call and tell her you are not coming .

Well, it doesn’t matter because this four year old isn’t invited.

Absolutely not.

So she expects you to spend probably the best part of £1000 on travel, accommodation, outfits, gifts etc and won't provide a seat at the table for your son?

I suspect your daughter is the ptettiest potential flower girl she knows.

Best if she isn't a flower girl.
I really don't get the whole invite one child and not the other.
Not everyone has childcare.
We declined lots of weddings when our children were younger for this reason.
Assuming everyone has someone who can take 2 or 3 children for an overnight is unreasonable.
Family invited our children so that was easier.

Right? So rude. It's not like it's a child free wedding and his own DSis is in the wedding party! I wouldn't take either of them. For what it's worth we had loads of young kids at ours, they had a great time.