Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

As money and holiday leave are both limited, I’d be re-thinking the whole shebang and probably withdraw from attending.

Your friend only wants your DD for the Insta pics and do you want to waste precious leave pandering to your pal?

PS. I think if you do go and spend all that money (with or without DS) you will look back with regret. A first plane ride for kids is special and if it were me I’d want this to be a family affair for a holiday not a friend’s wedding (who doesn’t sound like a very dear friend)

I would text her and decline to attend. Its bang out of order that she has been spiteful enough to say there wouldnt be a chair or a meal for your little boy. What an awful thing to say. She blatantly wants your little girl to be a prop so she can post pics on IG. It sounds like you are better off not attending. Any halfway decent friend wouldnt exclude a small child like this.

For me, it's not the logistics of it, it's how this woman views the friendship. She is happy to relegate the kid to non attendance and doesn't care how much OP is upset by this. THIS is what would upset me in OP's shoes.

I would move forward depending on if this is a one off brain fart on behalf of a really good friend in every other respect, or if this yet another example of self centeredness and assholery. It's this sliding scale that I would take my cue from.

There’s another recent thread on which the bride wants a six year old child to be a flower girl but not her eight year old sister - the younger girl is prettier with a quieter demeanour. It seems that along with common sense, kindness now doesn’t apply if it interferes with what the bride wants. OP l’d decline the whole thing. The fact that there will be no food and not even a seat for your DS is quite deliberately exclusive and very unkind. I wouldn’t allow my child to be used as a prop, and certainly not at the expense of a sibling.

The wedding is a year away.
Text bride a message ..

Dear Bxxx,
Your wedding is a year. If we are to afford it I need to be booking accommodation etc so to make it a wonderful family holiday.

To clarify with you that DD is in the bridal party and her family will all be attending. Me, DH and DB4. We will bring a lunch box with some fruit, crackers for DC but otherwise the children will eat simple food on offer.

Wanted to touch base before announcing the very exciting holiday to kids and paying for flights etc.

Cheers Xxxx.

Then leave it in your friend's court to reply within a week. Your friend needs your prompt as to how to behave politely to the family of her flowergirl and good friend.

Her response will mean that you are either soon organising an exciting family holiday or declining the invitation.

This happened to me as a child. My sister was a flower girl for my cousin, but I wasn't, as they only wanted the smallest cutest children. I wasn't even invited to the wedding. It caused huge resentment from me to my sister (of course it wasn't her fault, but we were both very small children, I think I was only 7 or 8). I can't believe my parents went along with it, it was so hurtful.
If your DS isn't invited, I would decline for your DD.

It’s pretty outrageous! “Yeah we want you both there and your photogenic kid the other one? Not so much “

This post makes no sense unless there is some backstory that the OP hasn't told us about eg the 4 year old has massive melt downs or significant special needs etc.

Most wedding venues provide free food for under 5s so it is unlikely to be a cost issue.

Yes, she could have had your son as a page boy. If you’d had two DDs she would probably have asked both to be flower girls.

I don’t think she’s a very good friend at all if she can exclude your little boy.
Just sounds so mean to me.
Pretty little girl for the photos.
Lovely little 4 year old boy. Discarded.

She is free to invite who she likes and you are free to decline if needed. There is no need to go in all guns blazing, calmly say yes or no.

I prefer a childfree wedding, especially at 4 years old. I can't think of anything worse and actively don't take my children to friends weddings. I wouldn't take one child without the other so would either not go or not take either child.

Another thing that didn't happen.

so weird that you feel like this tbh - why cant your daughter stay up late once?

i go away with my older child all the time and leave the younger one with dad

or else just go on your own and enjoy yourself

my 3 year old was dancing at a wedding until like 3am last year - no biggy as a one off

I have been that child left behind

Whilst it might not have affected my mother, I remember everytime this sort of scenario played out.

But if you were to go alone then the cost would probably be similar to taking your daughter. Just the price of a flight. So it seems like you can’t actually justify going alone either. Just decline and have a family mini break instead.

@Oakeydokeshes close enough to you to ask DD to be a flower girl. use your words and ask.
Can I ask something, how come a Delilah is invited as a flower girl but Samson isn't?
Well I've said he can come but I won't give him a chair or food.
I know, but I can't really expect a 5 year old to sit on the floor with a lunchbox whilst his sister is a flower girl. I just wondered if it was about money or space or him etc?

OP I don't know why you are explaining yourself you have nothing to justify. Your friend is being an arse not inviting your other child and it has nothing to do with expense or anything although the fact it will cost you so much just to go to begin with is something your friend should have in the back of her mind. You have nothing to explain at all, I certainly would not be going and leaving one of two kids at home just because the bride has no common sense.

The Bride saying they couldn't give him food or a seat makes me thing the venue is at capacity. She's thinking they can squeeze him in without the venue noticing.

I really don't think its the twenty quid for a kids meal thats the issue.

Just decline the invite and say you cannot make the logistics work

This, with bells on.
And I wouldn’t go along with it.

This! In bucket loads.

I'd decline. It seems like she is using your daughter as a prop - so she can have a flower girl for her wedding party. Is your daughter close to the bride and groom? If they were close friends, then they would understand the faff it would take you to get there/would be close enough to your other son, too. I would politely decline and say sorry its just not workable for your daughter to be flower girl or for you to attend.

Yeah, I'd politely decline and then never speak to her again but I'm a bit of a scorched earth sort of person! This is horrible of your friend.

People are so quick to dismiss small children and their feelings.
He will be nearly 5? Of course he will no.

Its a year away and I honestly think that when we have a family, sometimes we have to look at the bigger picture and make hard choices.

In your place I would decline and wish her well.
It's just not going to work financially and childcare wise.