Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

He likely wouldn't particularly enjoy the wedding so I would first consider whether there is a friend he can stay with.

If no other options I would tell her it's all or nothing due to childcare- i.e. you all attend or none of you do.

That sounds rubbish! You’d be having to look after your child solo (no tag team of one of you supervising ant the other catching up with other adults), sorting out all logistics of the child being in the wedding party, etc. If there was no childcare option, I’d prefer to just go in my own and have a fun night!

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though.

Odd to even consider going in “guns blazing”

Maybe decline the flower girl role and go down to the wedding on your own so you can enjoy it.

I don’t mean shouting, i meant ‘telling her bluntly why I’m upset’, which is ‘guns blazing’ to many!

If not chair etc sounds like its about the cost and paying perhaps full price for a 4yo who may not eat much

No don’t do that.
What do you hope to achieve from that? A forced invite for your son?

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

What did you reply to this? It’s so weird. I’d probably have laughed in disbelief and asked why on earth not?

She obviously doesn’t want your youngest at the wedding she’s not going to even provide a chair!

personally I would say thanks for the invite but sorry we won’t be attending

I just couldn’t leave one child at home and take the other

I would decline. She isn’t much of a friend.

You’d pay someone to have your four year old for days?

Why do you have to go in all guns blazing? Just explain that sadly you wont be able to make it as cant leave 4yo

Its her perogative not to accommodate him, but its also yours to not be able to go. There is no need to fall out

So she basically wants a cute flower girls for her photos and thats it.

If only one child was invited we wouldnt be going.

And the friend would have likely said - well quite clearly because i don’t wish to invite him, which I said from the outset

Don't go in all guns blazing @Oakeydoke and don't tell her you're upset, or why etc... Just decline. Say 'I can't come sorry. Hope you have a great time though..'

She's a bit dim if she can't figure out why.

Exactly
doesn’t seem to have occurred to the Op though
confronting her will do nothing. Force an invite… is that the objective of a confrontation?

Nothing was really finalised we just kind of left it there. One of those things where you don’t realise how miffed you are until you reflect on the call after!

Is he loud / boisterous?

I think you should contact your friend. Say something like

"Hi x, I appreciate you hadn't given much thought to little Billy attending the wedding but due to childcare and logistics they will either both have to attend (and have a meal and a chair) or I can come alone and leave both of the kids with their dad. Let me know what you prefer.

Why dont all of you go. Let DH and DS have a daddy son day out and you and DD attend the wedding. Then at bedtime your DH can have both children and you can carry on. You can have a family day out either side of it

The Op isn’t going to be the most objective on that, especially on this thread let’s be honest

No not at all. He’s like a little old man in many ways! Chatty but likes to please and follows rules.

I think get a local baby sitter for both children, let your dd be flower girl if she really wants to, and leave the kids with a sitter for the reception so you can enjoyit child free. She is thinking that a 7yo girl on her own would be manageable, but add her 4yo little brother to the mix and they would bounce off each other. It's ridiculous though to expect a family to bring one child as a prop and leave the other out.

This would be my approach too

This is genius thank you! I will consider it. The flights will be fairly expensive though (for us), so will have to weigh up whether them both coming along to not attend the wedding would be ‘worth it’.