Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

This is the best solution. DH and DS go to soft play and McDonalds whilst you and DD do the flower girl/wedding stuff then you take DD back to the hotel for bed at 8 and then you go back to the venue to get pissed.

The problem with some of the advice above is that it will end up with a major falling out and it’s a shame to end a friendship like that.

In the end, it may not be a child friendly wedding and they don’t want overexcited 4 year olds tantrumming and running around or resent being charged £40 by the venue for a toddler to eat some chips and crisps.

I have no clue WHO these women are. I didnt need to push a baby out my vag to think sensibly and consider others.

She said your DS could come but wouldn't have a chair or food 😲😲😲🤯
that is honestly AWFUL.
Really poor treatment of your family.

I think you are overcomplicating this.

"Hi friend,
While we'd love to come it just isn't practical if the whole family isn't invited and you've been clear DS wouldnt have a chair or food.
So on that basis we need to decline - hope you have a lovely day and sorry we couldn't be there!"

Do not waste annual leave and hundreds of pounds facilitating the whims of a women who doesnt value you or your friendship

Agreed - not sure why PPs are urging the OP to go in fear of harming the friendship. This ‘friend’ has said she couldn’t provide a chair or a plate of food for the OP’s son.

She has been pretty short sighted about this. Trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, she may just be so busy with wedding planning that she didn’t consider your individual circumstances regarding DS. Now that she’s aware though, I would give her a couple of days to see if she gets in touch to clarify whether he can come or not. If she doesn’t, then you need to decide if this is worth ending your friendship over. I think there is a huge difference between having a genuinely child free wedding and inviting you and your DH but not your kids, and asking your DD to be a flower girl, but then stating that your DS wouldn’t have a chair or food if he came!! perhaps she just said that in the heat of the moment without thinking, but it sounds like this is going to be quite a large financial outlay for you, and if you don’t think you can justify that without the whole family coming, then you probably have to expect that this will change your friendship moving forward.

I’d just send a polite RSVP declining the invitation. Your son has been treated appallingly, very shabbily. He has to know you’re always on his side with stuff like this.

As you haven't yet told your DD about being a flower girl, i would be inclined not to go. It’s a lot of running around / excluding one of your children, for someone who is essentially being mean by not inviting your whole family. It’s her choice to do this, she could solve the whole ‘problem’ by inviting a 4 yr old.

I just think that it's completely insane to think that you can treat your wedding guests like this.

Just you go with your DD. You don’t have to leave early to put DD to bed. She’s 7. 7 year olds love a wedding and end up dancing all night, tiredness forgotten. Or just do what my parents used to do with me, find a quiet corner with a few chairs and let her sleep across them. She’ll get be fine and you can have fun.

I am someone who thinks that everyone has the right to have the wedding they want, and if that is child free then that is their choice - and should be respected.

However, guests also have the right to make their own choices and in a situation like this, based on all the information @Oakeydoke has provided, this would be a decline for me. I would have no qualms saying that the invitation doesn't work and DD won't be able to be a FG (and let's be honest here, the invite extended to her is all about props for the bride)

She doesn't sound like a great friend tbh OP, I simply cannot understand saying to my good friend - whose dd I have invited - that there is no seat or food for her DS4. She might well be thinking of the politics of other guests being told its child free, but your own costs and practicalities outweigh her wedding day desires.

I would go alone if family finances permit, and you want to go alone, otherwise decline and send a card closer to the time.

I honestly wouldn't go.
I bet your DD is very pretty and your "friend" just wants her for the photos. Poor girl will probably spend the whole day being posed and staged by the photographer.

I can’t imagine telling someone who was going to spend hundreds of pounds attending the wedding that their second child was not invited and that if they came, they would not have any food or a seat. He is at an age where he will understand that his family had a little adventure on a plane etc without him. To expect you to pay for childcare on top of the other expenses is unreasonable. I do think that you need to consider that this could possibly change your friendship if you don’t go though. I also wonder though how much she values your friendship to put you in this awkward position. If you really value the friendship then it might be best if you go by yourself and save the other money for a little family holiday for both of your children. I would not go as a three though and leave my second child out. One day I’m sure she will understand how unkind this was.

I’ve been to plenty of weddings where the young children have had a lovely time. A fun, family celebration.

I was thinking the same about OP's dd. I have seen it before within one family where only the 'cute and pretty' girls were chosen.

Same, we all flew to an Italian wedding a few years ago. Kids of all ages there, and it went on way into the night. Nobody spoiled anything or disrupted the service, in fact it was a delightful wedding that managed to be very chic and stylish but also fun and inclusive.

Yep. All of this.

Leave both kids home with DH, go by yourself and have a fun child-free day.

I would politely decline for all of you.

Agreed.

This isn't how I'd treat anyone i loved and cared about....

Its a party of course she doesnt have to be in bed at 8! Get child care and go to the wedding with your daughter, if you dont go you are ruining for her,

Alot of people have children in the wedding party and then none others. If she allows one family then she to do everyone and then has a gazillions kids there

It’s difficult because money is tight and if I was going to pay hundreds/thousands of pounds and use annual leave, I would rather it was a sort of family mini holiday (we won’t be going away otherwise next year)

I would say exactly this to your friend. It's totally reasonable.

All 4 of you got to Orkney or whatever far-flung place it is, the boys do something else during the day, the girls to to the wedding.

Maybe she just hasn't thought it all through and will reconsider if you explain

Even if bride is working to a budget it is spectacularly rude to expect her friend to bring her DD as a flower girl (and all that involves - travel costs, new dress, new shoes, hair styling etc) but not invite the friend's only other child. Its not like OP @Oakeydoke has 12 kids or something.

Weddings are expensive - for the Bride and Groom but also for the attendees.

Basically Bride/friend has told on herself - she wants a flower girl for her photos and wants that facilitated but can't be bothered to stump up a meal and a chair for the flower girl's sibling.

Utterly ridiculous behaviour and so. so rude.

I hope Bride To Be cringes herself inside out when she has her own family.

We have normalised rudeness these days.

@Oakeydoke - this would be a polite decline for me. Shame your daughter misses out but to be honest your friend is being v unreasonable.

Right. Don’t go. Save your money for your obviously very precious family getaway. Tell her you’ve been looking at the family budget and crunching the numbers and it’s just not going to work as it will mean no family holiday next year. Explain things really tight and that you wished you lived closer to each other. I mean how close is this friend? If it was your sister say then it might be different. But then she would probably not be excluding her nephew. It’s best to
ket her know now so she can figure out another flower girl. It’s good DD doesn’t know yet too.

Regardless of the children, I’m not sure why you’re considering attending at all - if money and leave is so tight that this trip would be instead of your family holiday then you can’t afford it (both in leave and money). If you’ve never been on an airplane as a family then the first time should be to somewhere your family wants to go, not as an additional cost to attend a friends wedding.

That's pretty weird.