Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

Your friend is not lovely if she thinks it's ok to invite one child from a family and not the other. She is totally without empathy. In my view you should explain her request has made you feel very uncomfortable about her values and none of you will be able to attend the wedding. You cannot let your little boy know he is seen as 'lesser', and believe me, he will be aware whatever you do. I think you know this, and do you really want to remain friends with someone like this?

Hi OP, I think I’d give it a miss tbh.

It’s a lot of money to fork out when only one or two of you can go, as you’ve said. Not all guests will accept a long distance wedding invite due to time and cost.

Why not decline the invitation and book a break for the four of you instead!

Also, half terms and weekends bring out a lot of nasty comments- ignore them!! 😀

Maybe not your four year old, but if I had just packed bags and taken one child on holiday with me and left my 4 year old behind with relatives for a couple of days he would have been upset.

Or do you have a 4 year old that has no sense of self or awareness of his surroundings?

I think all 4yos would know unless they had special needs.
4yos are in school they aren't babies who wouldn't have a clue

No need for "uncomfortable with values" type rant

Just say logistics don't work and let her work it out for herself

Ideally in a phone call and so you can have a conversation. She may realise on reflection it's a mad idea. Sounds more like cluelessness about parenthood than outright malice to me.

Yeah 💯…not sure what the previous poster was talking about. Though she has commented on a couple of my posts over the last few days so maybe it is a me issue 🤣

We had a child free wedding. Apart from my 3 year old goddaughter who was a flower girl (no siblings at the time). My MIL announced that her niece was bringing her 3 year old son and he could be a paige boy. I said no thank you but we squeezed him in next to his mum to avoid a family drama. If we had had all of our friends and family's children there would have been no room for adults.

It could be that the OPs friend thought she was being nice by inviting the daughter to be a flower girl but hadn't thought about the other child and was put on the spot.

I would be honest and say I'm so pleased you are getting married and excited for you. Attending the wedding is going to stretch us beyond what we have financially. It's nice you want DD to be a flower girl but this is going to cause upset with the children who won't understand why they are being treated differently. For our family, it's not going to work.

I personally think your friend is being exceptionally rude. Nothing against child free weddings or bridal party children only, but you don't split siblings and you certainly don't do it when you're asking a family to fly across the country. Whoever said children are not a prop, and how convenient to have you there as the minder, nailed it! If you want to be completley honest, you could tell her that too.