Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

Even more of a reason to go alone and leave both children with their dad. What time does the ceremony start? You could fly on the same day as the wedding and then only pay for one night at the hotel.

Personally I'd be telling my friend that as she didn't want to accommodate both my children, wanting to invite one and exclude the other that we wouldn't be coming. I'd then be considering if I wanted to continue the friendship as it is a bit shitty to do that and also say that if he did come he'd not get food or a chair.

I wouldn't go. It's too hurtful to your ds.

I'd be cross that she allowed your dd to get excited before mentioning she was excluding your ds.

Just drop out. Your friend has treated your family badly. Use the money for a family holiday instead.

It's good your DD doesn't know, as there's nothing lost for her. Don't tell her, if she ever asks later (very unlikely!) just explain it was an unkind request to spend all family money on something that only half the family could do.

No, we come as a family of 4, or a couple to an evening invite with both children babysat, not only 1. Horrible. Weddings are disgusting nowadays, all about money and showing off for social media rather than family occasions. No class. I would also decline an invite without my husband. I invite all of my friend’s spouses and children to our own wedding, and would rather have had a cheaper one to accommodate that.

So obvious her friend doesn’t have children, and bet she wouldn’t put up with her own youngest being left out in the future. Often the biggest hypocrites.

It’s not rocket science. You all go to destination. Your husband (assuming this is the set up) takes DS out for the day on day of wedding. You and daughter get to enjoy the wedding. Your daughter can stay up last 8pm for a wedding! If not DH can come and pick her up whilst you party. Weddings are boring as hell with loads of kids in tow.

Adding, on what to do, I’d explain what you have on here.

That if your DS isn’t invited (or only as a begrudging afterthought) you can’t attend. You don’t raise your kids to favour one over the other.

Plus, the trip to the wedding would be a big commitment, as it’s a long way to travel. In order to attend (even alone), you’d be unable to take a modest family holiday next year. So, if she’s not inviting you as a family, you have to prioritise your family holiday over the wedding.

So, sadly, you’re unable to make it. Hope she understands.

Perfectly reasonable. When people are inconsiderate, you have to be assertive in response. The ‘no food/no chair comment was really horrible. Shows how her mind works. Why not just say: “Let me have a think and get back to you”.

So you genuinely think it is acceptable for a family of 4 to pay all that money to attend a wedding abroad only for half of them not to go? Ok for them to pay for flights, hotel but the couple can’t even cover a meal for their youngest child? No way would I ever attend a wedding like that and pander to supposed friends like these! Wow. Do not go!

Do not do this to your DS, its just horrible. I would not go. Your friend seem to treat your children as though they are pets or accessories. I can bet you anything that when she has kids they will not be treated in the same way!

I would also not fly to a wedding unless for a close family member.

I would save the money, explain your reasons why you can't go without both children, and book yourself a family holiday instead

Tell her no we won't be attending. I'd be more annoyed by the fact she said he can come as long as he doesn't expect to sit down or eat. Who invites a 4 year old somewhere for hours but only if they stand still and don't eat? She's basically making it impossible for you to bring your DS, which is obviously her plan. I'd rethink if she really isa good friend because she doesn't sound like it.
But I'd just decline and be honest. We won't be able to come as you have made it obvious my son isn't welcome, hope you have a lovely day (not sure I'd really want her to have a lovely day after her behaviour though).

Why on Earth she would do that?? And why DH and DS have to travel somewhere by plane for no reason whatsoever?

All because this woman wants OP's little girl as her flower girl?

Fuck that.

I would politely decline and if they ask why be honest but not confrontational.
If it was a local wedding then my answer may be different but to expect you to travel and stay etc and the expense and effort that incurs but only to invite one child is unacceptable to me,

It sounds to me that even OP is only invited because the bride needs a small girl as an accessory. If she could get away by just borrowing a girl I'm sure she would do that.

My 3 year old is still raging about the injustice of her dad and older brother going to Blackpool without her and that was in May. Completely get where you are coming from.

On the basis of costs (will you also need to buy passports for everyone?) I’d decline and try and save money for a nice family holiday instead. Much as your DD might enjoy the dressing up and a few photos, I’d imagine a whole wedding and reception is likely to be fairly dull for her anyway.

I can only base this on one experience I’ve had where the 7 year old was invited by BIL and his girlfriend, with all her cousins on a day out. My 5 year old was not invited as they thought she was too young. When the 7 year old returned she couldn’t help but tell her little sister all about it and mentioned it for a days. My youngest would cry a lot and seemed sad for a few days until no one spoke about it anymore. But she did start saying that she hated uncle x from that day on! She is 15 now and still doesn’t like him! I would strongly recommend that you don’t let people treat them differently, if it’s within your control. As it will upset their sibling relationship. I would actually decline the wedding as it is bad form to only invite half the family!

Given the cost there is no way I would go with one child excluded.

Don’t say any more about including DS, just RSVP declining. Message her saying you unfortunately can’t attend due to childcare issues.

Agreed

I think it’s a bit mean, but ultimately up to the hosts who to invite.

I’d probably decline.

I know. The poster I quoted was talking about 'adult place' in terms of cost, so I was pointing out they wouldn't charge for an adult.

In terms of venue space I would still ask them to look at it, and if they couldn't accommodate then we'd be unable to go.

It's a daft oversight from the bride and groom not to think of the 4 year old, and it sounds like he will be upset if excluded.

It would just be a no from me unless they found a way to accommodate him, if they couldn't then that's sad but at the end of the day I wouldn't let him be excluded, so we'd not attend.

It's unbelievable to me that you are willing to cancel your family holiday and spend £800+ that you do not have to spend, to attend the wedding of someone who refuses to feed your other child.

She does not care about you in the slightest. In fact she's taking you for a complete fool to be honest.

But the problem is that in terms of finances and annual leave, this trip would be instead of a family holiday.
Not actually worth the investment of time and money when one family member is excluded.

Yeah this is the way. No drama. Just ‘cannot attend due to childcare’. The daft moo of a bride will have to find another flower girl.