Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

I'm sure that's exactly it.

You'd be surprised. I worked in event/wedding planning and plenty of couples had a no child rule, but had made exceptions for certain family or friends.

Do people really do this?? It’s a wedding that’s a distance away and is a few nights, no way am I going to all that trouble and expense and not having my husband with me (in the sense that I’d enjoy it 10x more with him and not because I can’t cope etc). I’d never even consider that as an option, and I’m not one to be glued to my husband, but it’s not like going to the shops and leaving husband and child at home. I had a child free wedding but my best friends daughter was flower girl and it wouldn’t have even occurred to me not to ask her two younger sons too, the daughter isn’t a prop

Op there is no real reason the boy isn't included as a page boy or ring bearer

I get weddings are expensive and venues have a limited capacity.

But you either invite 4 or you don't Especially when she knows it involves travel.
I think I'd decline the whole thing, "really sorry but we've looked at the logistics and just can't make it work". I don't think I'd want to be a flight or hours travel away from my 4yo

If I left my kids at home and another child was flower girl and her brother was there too, I’d presume they were all very close to the couple getting married and were the exception - short of my own siblings no one’s whose wedding I’ve attended have ever been particularly close to my children so I wouldn’t think to compare the two - my cousin got married last year for example and all her nieces and nephews were there but mine weren’t invited- which made complete sense

OP if it's not DS that's the problem but a no child rule excepting flower girls then why not ask her just that. You might not the only one in this situation.

Her just straight up saying no food or chair for DS is disgraceful, but I'd ask her to explain first.

This one is an easy pass. Large expense, child with hurt feelings, bride that seems clueless to how random her request is…use the money to have a family trip instead.

I would just decline the invitation. it's too expensive, especially in these lean times plus excluding your son

No four year old is going to give a second thought to not being invited to a wedding. The ‘hurt’ here is to the OP’s pride.

This is worse! they will still have to pay a full adult price for a 4 year old that doesn’t eat much.

It’s not a one day wedding, it’s a few days away and a plane, airport etc - my 2 year old would be raging if we all headed off without her! If she had to stay with a relative for a few days without her big brother or parents she genuinely would be horrified and know she wasn’t with us

For me, it would be a no. If the idea of a father-son day while you and DD go to the wedding works for you, that may be a good idea, but I remember having a similar situation and an upset 4 year old who couldn't understand why they couldn't go too. Then I said no and I'd say no again.

Lots of people only have the wedding party kids and family kids. This is not unusual. Why does DD have to go to bed at 8? It is a special event surely she can be up a bit later? Leaving one at home - esp at 4 would not bother me but only you can answer that

He's 4.
No way would i go on a plane and leave him at home.
He would fully understand and be so disappointed, poor boy.
I'd decline the invitation and have a wee holiday instead that includes both your children

Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

I think your title is a very simplistic way of looking at it. Your friend sounds like she is not inviting children, except those who are part of the bridal party. Your daughter was asked to be a flower girl, your son (for whatever reason, age/male relatives on grooms side etc) was not asked to be part of the wedding so he is not invited to the wedding.

You can decline the whole invitation - flight costs for a wedding is an understandable reason to decline.

You can decline the flower girl role so that you can find childcare for both children, neither child is favored over the other and you and your husband can have a nice time at the wedding.

You can accept the flower girl role. Your son doesn’t come (childcare or husband stays home) and it’s not the end of the world as not all things must be equal between siblings. YOU must treat them fairly but there will be things outside your control that mean both won’t get the exact same thing.

I can’t really see what your friend has done wrong. Wedding planning is a minefield. They will never please everyone so they may as well plan the wedding they want and the guests will accept or decline their invitations.

Absolutely don't go, just say you can't travel X miles away and spend X doing so and leave your youngest child behind. As pp have said, if she ever has her own children she will be mortified by asking this but tbh even before I had children I would have appreciated this would be an unreasonable request.

If she really wants you there she will accommodate both children.

Tell her to shove her wedding where the sun don't shine...

I think she is unreasonable but if it is actually ok with her I 'd just bring DS anyway with a packed lunch. It's probably a good £100 per cover and she is trying to save money. Most four year olds don't eat loads of wedding style food anyway. If that is the only way he isn't really invited.

Soubds suspiciously like avoiding paying for the child.

I'd be seriously irritated if one kid was invited and the other not...

I'm fact I'd say:... Sorry friend but it's logistically impossible to get son child care, and it would feel u fiar on him... Where he'd perceive being 'left out', so we either all come (and he needs a seat and food!) or you need a different flower girl. We'll be sorry to miss the wedding!

I'd have to say: I've given it some thought and I'll have to say No to attending. It is going to be too complicated for us. I'm sorry to miss it, but I understand you can't accommodate all of us.

I wouldn't be going

That is a really weird offer - I want your daughter involved but your son can’t come at all? I don’t think I would want to go at all even without both kids after that sort of weird behaviour.
Yes it’s her wedding and she can invite/not invite who she wants but ultimately you have the option to not get involved.
It would be horribly unfair to your son to take your daughter & leave him behind.

I didn’t say it wasn’t doable, i said it sounded the worst of the options she had.

Well, sometimes we don't get to do everything other people do. Sometimes we do get left out. Such is life. If he does get upset, you can either calm that down or you can exacerbate it. If his dad plans an exciting thing to do with him, I bet he won't be that upset about not being a flower girl.

Would either decline the invitation or just go with daughter - leaving son and husband at home.