Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

Why would it be an adult place? The bride/ groom could ring the venue and ask if they can squeeze him in. They wouldn't pay for an adult's portion of food either way.

The couple should have factored him into their initial workings, especially asking the sibling to be a flower girl, so it's their mistake.

If they couldn't accommodate him I wouldn't go, it's not fair.

I agree that your friend has not thought through her invitation to your daughter as flower girl. Your response depends a bit on location of the wedding and timings of the day. If you could make a week/few days of it and have a lovely family holiday, then the only difference from your original plan would be that dad left with the kids after the ceremony/before people sat down to supper instead of at kids’ bedtime, so if that is a 2 hour difference and they’re in a fun place for a holiday then I’d just do that, if it is a 6 hour difference and you won’t know many people at the wedding then maybe not. If the wedding is in a rubbish place for a holiday then I’d just stay home and have a fun holiday somewhere else. Your friend is thinking of her own interests, which is fine but means you should too.

Why don't you all fly to the wedding location and stay in a hotel or AirBnB. On the day you and DD go to the wdding, DH and DS go for some other treat day out (e.g theme park or whatever is in the area). Then DH takes DD from bedtime as planned.

That’s a massive generalisation. I had 4 year olds at my wedding that had a great time, and my children attended various weddings at around that age. I was a flower girl when I was 3 and loved the whole day.

Tbh I just wouldn’t go - her request is rude and bizarre and I wouldn’t let my child be treated this way . I get child free weddings but it clearly isn’t so she is just excluding one of your children. If she really cared about you being at her wedding she wouldn’t be making it so hard for you

You are very close to her but do not seem to have felt comfortable asking the most basic of questions

I know and to actually say it to a ‘friend’. I can understand child free weddings but sounds like she just wants your daughter there to look pretty OP.

How far off is this wedding? She's at the point of only just confirming flower girl but the seating plan is done with no spaces?

If you do go, have you looked at trains? I regularly fo a journey from north Scotland to England and people ask why i don't fly.

But a friends and family railcard means the kids cost next to nothing and by the time I factor in the journey to the airport, time before check in, collecting luggage, getting from the airport, it's not that much quicker. I do very early if possible as it seems to go quicker and kids sleep some of it.

Or can you make a family holiday round it if travelling all that way? Is there anywhere nearby to stay rather than what is likely expensive wedding accommodation? Because I wouldn't worry about leaving early given the demands on you.

Oh, people are projecting- don't take it personally. I think your friend is rude and I would decline.

I think the “friend” is incredibly rude to invite one child but not the other. Cruel!

Having read all of your responses I’d turn down the flower girl role and just go alone.

Ok so just to address a few things.

Me and DH both work full time, we are fairly skint, we have no ‘village’ so tag team our annual leave to cover things like half term holidays.

A trip away on a plane is a very big deal in our household, simply because we’ve not done it before as we can’t afford it, we’ve always taken local holidays. I understand some people won’t see a short plane ride and a days leave as a big deal, I get that, but it is to us.

Even if I just took DD, the cost of going would be £800+ once everything is factored in. I would also have to take a day of annual leave. This would be for a 2 night stay. We would then have to bin off our annual ‘few days away’ that we normally do locally. It’s pointless spending even more flying my whole family up only to not spend that time together and for DH to spend even more taking DS on some kind of day out near the wedding.

To us this is a massive amount of money and while I am absolutely happy to spend it to celebrate my friend’s wedding as the main focus, yes I had hoped we could turn it into a mini holiday, I was hoping to stretch it to 3 nights or so and then do something as a family the day after the wedding.

Yes, DS would be upset. He’s a switched on little boy and has never been on an aeroplane, he would find that very exciting. I also think he would enjoy the wedding judging by family parties and how much he’s enjoyed them.

No, I haven’t yet told DD she will be a flower girl, because it’s nearly a year away and to a 7 year old that’s a very long wait and if I’m honest I don’t want to be bombarded with ‘is it nearly here yet’ type questions for months on end.

Unfortunately we simply aren’t a family that flies away for the weekend on the regular and every penny is accounted for at the moment. Hence this being a bigger consideration for us than it might be for others.

Thanks for all your comments, I’m reading them all. Lots to think about.

You can’t have a Sophie’s Choice scenario with a wedding! It’s crazy.

I’m afraid I wouldn’t be going. The “he won’t have food or a chair” line would very much offend me, especially if I was expected to use leave and travel
some distance to the wedding.

Frankly, if she is close enough to your children to have one of them as a flower girl, she’d want the other there too. As one of the early PP said, children are not props and nor are her friends for that matter.

Rooms have max capacity, doesn't matter if its a baby or adult they count.
It might not be the money thats the issue for the bride. That said I wouldn't go along with the crazy idea of leaving a child at home

It is shitty of her to invite your dd and not your ds. 1 four year old
is not going to massively add to the budget.
i would either-
all go and make it a mini holiday. Your dh does something fun with ds in day and picks up dd for bedtime. Tell ds it’s you and dd only so he doesn’t feel left out and sell the fun daddy day out to him.
or
none of you go decline due to child care/cost.

Hi OP

IMHO, your ‘friend’ is bang out of order. She should invite your whole family if you’re one of her closest friends and DD is to be one of the wedding party.

I assume she doesn’t have kids if she thinks it’s fair to invite one and not the other. Disgraceful.

It’s performative. Taking the bit of your family she wants to make the wedding look good (i.e. your DD, with you as ‘supervisor’) and dispensing of the rest (i.e. your DS and DH).

People behave so weirdly about weddings.

So basically she wants your DD there to look cute on the pics but isn’t keen on your DS because he’s a boy and doesn’t fit her aesthetic as well? Fuck her, I wouldn’t be going.

It’s clear your friend only wants DD to be flower girl for “looks”. It’ll look cute in pictures. But she doesn’t actually care about your family as a whole. I wouldn’t be going.

I think I would go with my DD and leave DS with his Dad. Even the best behaved 4 Yr olds will get bored and play up I expect. Think of it as a girlie time.Can Dad take DS for a day out .

I agree about that line too. Very unkind.
i wouldn’t go either. Your reasons are justified.
also - OP - your user name is wonderful. I loved OakyDoke. The theme tune still lives in my head.

I'd make it clear that her wedding is taking every penny of your annual holiday fund, and consequently will be your only trip that year. So leaving your son out of it isn't an option.

I would just pull out. It all sounds too expensive and complicated. Just say logistically it’s too complicated. I agree with the PP who said she’s only inviting your daughter for the instagram moment.

Exactly this. PPs seem to be missing the factor of the cost and annual leave. OP doesn’t have the time or money to be allowing her ‘friend’ to use her DD as a wedding prop.

Either decline then or go with your DD if £400/500/600 or whatever is an amount you are comfortable to spend.