Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable to be miffed - I presume it’s a ‘no kids’ wedding outwith the direct wedding party?! If it’s not then there is something wrong! Why don’t you just leave your son with your DH, you have a nice day with your DD and get your DH to pick her up later and you continue on with your night?

One is in the bridal party. children who are part of the bridal party are usually loved, not props, part of the wedding party. The other an invited guest. If they invite a friends child as a guest, they have to invite the children of other friends and relatives. It adds up.

I am a bit confused it if I am honest, if you expected both of your children to be invited (fair enough) it sounds like you would have needed to leave at 8pm to get them both to bed regardless. How is this different from the scenario you leave at 8pm if it’s just DD?

This.

My friend was miffed his girlfriend’s three kids weren’t invited to my wedding, but it was £100 per head and I was already paying the £100 for her despite having never met her. Weddings are expensive and you have to draw the line somewhere.

OP your friend might have used all her space up at the tables, it’s likely not a shun of your son, it’s just logistics. The wording of no meal/no chair has probably been said to her by the venue to emphasise they 💯 won’t be doing freebies and she is taking them at their word.

If the whole family were going, OP's DH would leave at 8pm with the children and OP would stay on.

I’ve always found the child free wedding a bit odd. I’ve been to lots and never saw any children ruining any. But it’s particularly odd to ask your DD to be flower girl and exclude your DS. 4 is such a cute age… we had a 4 and 6 year old be flower girl and ring boy at ours… they were adorable.

Its an odd situation but I guess it’s the bride’s big day so the solution someone else posted about bringing DH and DS and they entertain themselves while you and DD are at wedding is a good one.

If you haven't already told your DD about being a flower girl I would hold off until you have decided who is going to the wedding. If you think you can make the trip a family holiday and find a fun activity for your son and DH while you and DD go to the wedding that could be a solution. It's fine to have a child free wedding (or child free except for wedding party) but your friend must know that her wedding is going to involve substantial travel and costs for you to attend and inviting one child and not the other is mean.

It’s your friend’s day, her say. You either go taking your D to be a flower girl and making her very happy, and leave your H at home looking after yr 4 yr old. If that option doesn’t suit decline the invitation. Sometimes children need to learn a treat, outing, whatever it is, doesn’t always have to involve them.

now YABU, your son would have far more fun on a special day out with his dad than at a wedding, and you'd still get the night to celebrate when DH takes DD to the hotel. Everyone wins.

The difference is you weren't saying one child was invited and not the others. A child free wedding is fair enough but I have a friend with a young son and a daughter and can't imagine saying bring your daughter to be my flower girl but your son isn't invited, it's ridiculous.

Don't bring either of them.

Your dd might enjoy the flower girl part but will be bored to tears by the time the meal starts. Your ds will hate the whole thing.

No food or chair for a 4 year old. I mean how much is he going to eat anyway. Seems bizarre and rude. I wouldn't feel like going after hearing that.

This is CRAP I have pictures and very good memories of myself enjoying being a wedding guest at 4!

I don’t understand why your son has to become very aware that he is being ‘excluded’. Surely there are lots of conversations in life where your daughter is doing something that sounds fun but your son is not. I’m thinking of things like school activities, going to a friend’s house, or a birthday party she is attending.

A four year-old does not know that in some situations he might be invited to a wedding as well.
What happens if you just announce cheerily that you and your daughter are off somewhere for the wedding this weekend and that he and daddy are going to the park/zoo/ pizza restaurant in an equally cheery voice. His disappointment might well not be what you are worried about (especially if you don’t ’feed’ it).

Imagine if you hadn’t directly asked and had just turned up with him 😱

Yep!

Thank her.
So go. Pack him a lunch box and let him share your food. A chair will be there.

To be honest I was thinking this.

On plenty of occasions my siblings or I had different things we went to or not, and so have my dc.

Honestly, at 4 if I said (not that I would phrase it as a choice, but IF I did): "do you want to come to the church service and you must be VERY quiet, or do you want to go to GP's and you get to take a pack of Pringles" they'd have chosen the Pringles! For SURE!

I think the hurt around this is yours OP. Not saying I don't understand it to some degree, but I don't think DS would be as enchanted by a long boring wedding with few other children and caviar blinis and langoustine bisque and lots and lots and LOTS of adults talking as you would.

ETA I mean honestly, I'm getting to the age where I kind of think "yeah, I'll take the Pringles and watching tv too."

No doubt it was a family wedding that you have photos from. When other family members chip in looking after the children and dancing with them, entertaining them. I get that with a family wedding being Irish but as OP is not family it isn’t the same. It takes a village of interested people at a child friendly wedding.

Yes it adds up. If that isn’t affordable, stick to a budget that’s doable without leaving people out/ruining friendships. The op cannot go unless both her children go.
Fwiw when I got married we said anyone we knew was welcome to come. Open invitation. Help yourself buffet. The whole thing (25 years ago) cost £2000, (I think at the time the average cost was 10k?) honeymoon was extra. On a shoestring, a fantastic time was had by all. Weddings need not be expensive or leave people out. If you really want people to be there, there are ways and means.

If they wanted him as a page, surely they would've asked?

Yes, they would have, and no, OP can't ask, but I was really raising that question to illustrate my point that the basis on which OP is wanting the DS to attend is different from the basis on which the DD has been asked to attend. The equivalent basis would be for him to attend as a page and fulfil that role.

The DD has been asked to perform a role that, yes, has a superficial aspect to it, but then it wouldn't be the first time a bride has fancied having a flower girl or two.

So really as far as you’re concerned the best option is for you to go on your own. Decline DD being a flower girl & leave both DC at home with DH.

I understand.

Yes, there is a difference between wedding party vs guest and I suspect that OP's DD is one of few children invited just because she is in the wedding.

How can you possibly know thar about someone else's child?

My 4 year old loved weddings