To forgive DH for past behaviour?

[Fishfingersandwich8]

I posted some time ago, when I was pregnant and received responses that I should leave my DH. I was all set up to go but my DH begged me to stay. He said he would change and so I stayed as DS was about to be born. DH is the best Dad ever.

My mother was very critical of my DH (and me for staying with him) and I had to cut off contact with her for my own wellbeing. My DF was not involved in the fallout but I don’t see him either as he supports my mother’s view.

I have just discovered that my grandmother has been telling people that my DS is always ill - and it is being discussed that it is likely because of all the times DH shouted at me when I was pregnant - that stress hormones would somehow have crossed the placenta - or cortisol levels have weakened DS’s immune system. I have looked it up but it seems inconclusive - so I am right in thinking/hoping it cannot be too serious? Unfortunately, my grandmother knows DS has been unwell several times but only with colic and viruses - and was nearly hospitalised on two occasions. I feel very betrayed by my grandmother and regret telling her anything.

DS is my whole world. AIBU to forgive DH for his past behaviour?

Christ OP. Why the hell did you stay with him because he "begged". Beggars can't be choosers, especially when the beggar abused you horribly while you were pregnant. He knew exactly what kind of impact it would have had on your baby as it takes someone with a single brain cell to realise that.

Now your GM is rightfully concerned about your DS and you're seeing her as the enemy. This is (further) trauma-bonding you to your husband (who should have been your ex husband a long while ago).

He is not the "best dad ever" to your son and never could be. He is not your rock. No man who abuses the mother of his kids at any stage of her journey through motherhood could ever be a good dad. You're seeing his nice guy act until the dust settles, your trapped and he is has you right where he wants you, then his true self will come back out.

You don't want to acknowledge it because the truth hurts. But it is still the truth. Don't turn your back on the only people who have your and your DSs best interests at heart; certainly not in favour of the person who made them (and almost you) leave in the first place. Know your worth. If you can't do that then know your son's worth, because he deserves better than this.

This. All of this.

It says something that your mum did something well-meaning but wrong and she's cut off. H did something abusive but isn't. Misplaced anger maybe. Cognitive dissonance?

I've look at your previous thread, OP. It's sobering reading.

So I find your comment on this thread "My DH didn’t think shouting or blocking my phone could harm the baby"* *really quite concerning. You're minimising his behaviour - massively. He must have known it would harm YOU. And what harms the pregnant mother inevitably harms the baby, however subtly.

And then there's your mother. You really don't see her as a person at all, do you? You refuse to see that she spoke to your friends because she's worried sick for her daughter. No, instead you seem to be telling yourself that she did it purely to spite you - because you can't see her as a person with her own fears and needs. Likewise your grandmother.

I appreciate I'm wasting my time here. You are very determined to sing the 'But He's Changed!' song. You will not hear that people rarely change but quite often adopt a mask (while the underlying person remains - unchanged).

He's an abuser. Just because he's not actively abusing you right now doesn't mean he won't restart when it suits him.

But he must have known that shouting harmed you? Your husband should not want to harm you at all.

Honestly OP get back in touch with your mother and make amends.

Imagine you had a daughter and she went through what you went through, now tell me hand on heart that you wouldn’t do everything you could to get her out of that?

Well she was right wasn’t she. Sounds like your mum just wanted to protect her child. Shame you can’t see that. Especially now you’re a mother. You’ll regret this one day.

Yeah I think you have been extremely foolish. You’re selling yourself short and putting your child at risk. You will need your family when this marriage implodes.

But you clearly aren’t yet ready to listen to solid independent advice so crack on with burying your head in the sand. You should have left when it first happened but here we are.

Luckily for you your mother will hopefully still be there for you.

Sorry if I missed it but how old is your son now? I'm just curious how long he has been the best dad ever for, and what does that look like?

Abuse can have a very significant effect on children, even before they are born. It sounds very much like your family are just trying to do what is best for you and your son. You are a mother now, you should also be putting your son first above your abuser.

Have you spoken to your midwife or health visitor about the abuse? Or have you hidden it from them?

How old is your child now?

My abusive ex was good with our babies when they were very little. I did the vast majority of care but he played with them and things were actually better in the first maybe 6 months after birth.

However, what abusers crave is control. Its easy to pick up a little baby and go places relatively as usual. But then the baby starts to crawl and walk. It causes chaos and has strong opinions and tantrums. The abusers control starts to slip and so often the abuse restarts. The abuse in my case restarted majorly when child was about a year old and I left. Although retrospectively it never stopped- I just got better at placating him.

Does your ex still control you? Do you work? Do you get to go and see friends or have hobbies out the house and away from baby?

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. He'll almost certainly do it again.

And yes, the domestic abuse you experienced when your dc was in utero may well have impacted their development. Aren't you angry with your dh about that? He cannot possibly be the best dad in the world when he's willing to hurt you and your baby.

He will be about a year I'm guessing. The OP sounded early third trimester in June last year.

So before the tantrums kick in.
Before they become truly messy (mess being something he seemingly can't tolerate).
Before he learns to say 'no'

If a man can't cope with you being down, vulnerable and stressed without verbal abuse to the extent you wanted to die, how will he cope with a toddler? They treat pushing your buttons to the limit as a hobby.

He's been a 'great dad's during the phase where no doubt the OP did the lions share. I'd also be willing to bet that the bar for 'great dad' is somewhere near the floor.

I am honestly taking everything on board. My mother sent messages to my two close friends telling them what my DH had done - I admit I never confided in them because I always confided in my mother. She let me down and I can’t get past that. My friends know my DH and they know my mother and they support my DH. They believe it was a very stressful time for him/us and that it won’t happen again.

You should be ashamed of yourself treating your poor mother like that.

I can see why you feel like your mother betrayed you, but I can also see why she talked to your friends. You are very obviously in an abusive marriage and when you chose to stay she correctly predicted that he would isolate you further. So, knowing she couldn’t get through to you, she (rightly or wrongly) let others in your life know that you’re being abused. The nice guy act won’t last forever and you’re eventually going to need people to fall back on. I do hope you can find the strength to leave one day, before your son is also subjected to control and abuse.

Also your friends are very likely pretending to support your DH because they don’t want cut out like your mother if they tell you the truth. You might find if you leave him they have very different opinions of him. I certainly wouldn’t support the DH of a friend who had treated her like this.

Presumably your DH cannot deny that he was well aware that shouting at you and blocking your phone was damaging to you, even though he denies realising that abusing a pregnant woman could harm her baby?

How old is the baby now?

Your mother was trying to help you by talking to your friends. Unfortunately, nothing will save you now.

She let you down and you can’t get past that? After she paid for IVF, after all she did for you and how much she supported you. But you can forgive your husband for what he did? Sure.

She hasn't let you down at all. She is trying to help you. She is worried about her daughter being in a relationship with an abusive man. Surely you would do all you could to protect your children?

Of course the man knows that terrorising a pregnant woman will also impact the foetus.
A previous poster mentioned a graph online about in utero trauma.

Your mother 100% did nothing wrong. Abuse blossoms in secrecy. Your mates aren't going to be honest about what they really think of the abuser.

In OP's last post she explained that her mum was so worried about her (after OP going to hospital alone as DH had blocked her phone, DH humiliating her for using a pessary for prolonging pregnancy) that she agreed to travel to be at hand any time during the pregnancy OP needed, and her mum and dad "used their life savings" to rent somewhere far away from OPs awful husband where OP could run away to and be safe.

How can you forgive your awful husband and not your lovely mum

Op if you do anything on the back of this thread, please read up about "narcissist enablers". I took the below from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/narcissistic-enablers/

Narcissistic enablers protect narcissists from experiencing some of the consequences of their own actions, but they sometimes also attack others who the narcissist feels threatened by.
Some narcissistic enablers don’t just passively enable the narcissist. Instead, they actively adopt the narcissist’s harmful tactics, such as gaslighting, coercion, triangulation, and projection.3 These enablers use these tactics as a defense mechanism, often to protect themselves from the narcissist’s wrath or to stay in their favor. By mirroring the narcissist’s behavior, they become extensions of the narcissist’s abusive dynamic.1

This is exactly what you are doing to your parents. Please speak to someone - your GP, a therapist. Hide it under having some postnatal depression if your DH gets suspicious. Or speak to Women's Aid. You're so entrenched in this fantasy you've created that you're not seeing the woods for the trees.

Your friends ‘support’ you because they fear you will cut them out too. Your mum paid for your IVF. Your husband abused you throughout the pregnancy and since the birth. Your mum isn’t the enemy here. It’s your abusive husband who has successfully isolated you from your mum.

Sounds like your friends are bullshitting you tbh. No way could my friend tell me what your dh did and I’d think oh that’s ok.

Now I might lie to you to keep you close but I’d think he was a giant thunder cunt. That he abused you at your weakest most vulnerable time. I’d hope you wouldn’t be having any more ivf for anymore babies for him to repeat his behaviour either. Because men who treat their partners like shit when they need them do it again and again when the same situation arises.

@worldshottestmomI agree with every word.

Im finding this thread particularly triggering as I went through exactly the same in pregnancy and his mask slipped again when my first was 3 and I was pregnant again. I was isolated from family but thankfully not my parents who he thought he could manipulate.

some friends were totally onboard and those friends were actively encouraged so I thought I had my freedom. Others who I thought I chose to cut off by my own choice were bang on the money.

I eventually left when his emotional abuse transferred to my children as they aged. We’re now “free” as we can be.
Mumsnet all those years ago helped me see.
I regret not leaving sooner as the damage is so incredible.
OP, leave for your children’s sake if not your own.